And plucked me out of her garden and gave me to a lady.. she knew I was a rare wild flower. She loves them she an Indian. Indians know these things. Weeds are nature’s carpet. And keep Mother Earths soil protected and nourished. So glad I know who I really am. Cuz Mamas lies can’t hurt me now. Weeds can take a lot. There grow where ever and when ever. And they don’t need a lot. They grow to find what they need and bring it up to share with others. Weeds rock and they nourish. They are draw to land that needs their help and plants that would die without them. I am my Mamas weed. Draw to her soil to amend what has been depleted in my removal. She needs the salt of my truth to preserve herself completely, lacking no love for her whole self. Including the part that made me. Yes. That part needs lots of love and. Validation as worthy and right. Because I came from that dark place of Mamas life, to come back and shed the light onto it. Sun light is healing as well. I shine the sun on a woman’s psyche that has been denied light for to long. The part of this woman’s psyche I am the essence of and so is Chelsie, and everyone that know her. Her mentality has an affect on us all. And what woman does not with to be accept completely? I personally may not like Mamas behavior, but I still come and go through the drama and crap to even have a few minute with the woman. Like that’s love guys. Not madness. That’s love and respect. I don’t have to agree with Mama to respect her. She’s a strong woman and must be stood up to. She demands it. And so we dance like this. She and I. Child and Mama. We dance a dance we’ve know since my birth. And you all are getting in the way of our steps. Cuz we are getting wild and dancing all Crazy. And you’ve never seen Mama do that now have you? How is it that an unwelcome guest like me can gain access into her home? Hmmm? So silly they are Mama. Not to see you and I have been dancing for years. I know you want me home. I want to come. But I to have some requirements. Conditions. If we must have them and it seems that how you like it. Mine are honesty and communication. And just when we get started. You stop. So we don’t really finish now do we? No. And I wish to stay and work it out. The way we have been doing it is so dull and ruthless. Surely we woman can do better? And I am unable to come again. You must come to me as a token of trust. I’ve used my three tries. Now it is solely on your plate. I’ve carried you as far as I can. You must do your work. Work needed with the girls and reading and facing. I just am unable to come for another one of our visits with your other daughter who I thought was my friend But is only looking out for herself and keeping you the same as always. Ugh. So dumb.
It is tearing at my heart and hurting me to see you like this. A woman of God. Reading reading and doing nothing. You let me go. Again. And yet God brought me right to your door. Your answer. Your prayer. You let Vicki punch at me and so did I. I wanted to really see her colors so I fed her hate for you Mama. She hates this part of you you made and set free. She hates me. And somewhere in you? You hate yourself to allow her to do so. Look at it. Face it. It’s the nose on our family face. But. Mama. I came anyway. And kissed and hugged you twice. It’s so hard to keep leaving when I want to stay. I don’t know if you will die and it will be our last time? And I am tired of our relationship only being like this and you sweeping it under your proverbial rug. It’s hurting us all. And death will not heal that. If you die. We will only hurt more for failing to get us all right.
I am a good weed that God helped Mama Jean grow so she could go back and heal her Mama. I bring salt. I am Christ’s child and the salt of your earth. You are made from earth. I am made from earth. We all are. We must not loose our savor.
There is a story- watch.
There are those sent to help folks see what we have never seen before. We get used to things a certain way. And those sent to help see things others can not. They see far ahead at the course we are on and see what is to be. I am one of those people. Sent to Mama and yet had to leave. I’ve learned what that means. To give birth and to give up a child from the child’s point of view. I share that point of view here and it is very pointy. And people pull back from the cut of my words and hence do not revive the surgery they need to cut away at lies to reveal a broader truth that what they’ve known.
That has been my life as an adoptee. My life’s lesson is to know others and know myself. To observe to learn, for I am a fool. A fool is one who does not know. Untrained in a certain pattern, they have limitless boundaries to explore and observe the causes and affects going on around them. They must be whomever comes out of them. I knew not who I looked like until I was thirty. I was a strange duck that most people accepted in my home town. God help them. Mama Jean would make sure of it. She wanted the best for me. Her best. Spare no price was to High if I needed it. She made it happen.
She’s loved this wild weed that blew in. And she’s nourished me and tended my wounds. She is my friend. Beyond the title Mama. She’s higher. We choose each other. Giving her the name Mama is a word. And growing up I will be honest. I did not respect the word Mama. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Mine was gone and I really didn’t want to think about why. I stuffed that. But Mama Jean kept coming. She’s determined as hell and loves me like heaven. She does not back down. Thank you.
I feel she is a unique kind of weed as well. She’s got spider senses. That woman bonded to me through intuition like no other. Snap. And go. Bonded. Mama may have not wanted me. But God sent me a woman that did. We looked at each other. So different. And yet we boned. And tried to forget the bodies that gave us shit. Our minds bonded and she melted my heart. Surrounded by thrones to protect it. She seemed to not get cut by them. She had a way to see past my prickly leaves. Hell. Sometimes our prickly leaves collided. But we just brushed it off and went on. New day. We try again.
And there comes a time when God show you you need to dig deep and pull up some nourishment for the one who nourished you. Mama Jean got sick. I mean bad. And I had to practically drag her to my house to care for her. She was stuck in give mode. And it was time for her to see the return of what she invested in me. It’s only fair. She took care of me a lot. And she knew how to get past my thorny leaves.
Being honest has changed me. My thorns are falling off. Mama Jean didn’t change at all because of my nasty truth. She already knew. But I needed to get it out. And she knew that too. And if I needed to get it out, then my family needs to get it out too. But they don’t know Mama Jean and her ways. Well. They’ve been dealing with her for a while and can’t realize the change in me is Mama Jean. She’s in me. And she does not appreciate anyone treating me like I told her my family treated me. She was shocked to hear I kissed Linda? I imagine she thought I would smack her? I have come a long way Mama Jean. Haven’t I? They just don’t realize how far. That woman’s worked on me. So you are right! I am not like you exactly. She in me. She’s been pouring the salt of her truth into my wound. To help me heal. I hadn’t really seen it until I gave myself permission to speak what I felt without judging it. Just expressing my feelings and perceptions to everyone. And not hiding in a room telling a person who I pay to care to listen to and file? How does that change a thing? You give them the info and yet the one you struggle with goes without the truth needed to change? When we see the affects we have. We change. I know my affect may seem negative. But it for a positive results. In math two negatives make a positive. This time is a negative added to a negative which will make a positive. Most people can’t do the math. Their brains are like mush.
I just feel like we all need to look at the labels we have on things. Including myself. Always. I must maintain integrity as well and keep working on myself.
Let’s all do the work. It’s worth it. Invest in your Mama, invest in yourself. Her hand feeds your future. Her hearts beats for your purpose. Even though she may give you to another, she made the best decision she could. Teach her what that decision meant. Show her the beauty amongst the perceived weeds.