Mama tried to bow up

My Mama tried to bow up and shut me down, and that just does not work for me. Like Mama does not even know, well, now she does, what I’ve been through. And why I am the kind of Person that you talk to about things. My mind wants to know the why, to put all that I have shared to rest. Once and for all.

Like, I guess? She thinks I believe all that? Well? What would she like me to believe? Hearsay? Or Hersay? I surely do not need her riding into my life like some jacked up woman and shouting me down? Educate me. So I can understand and empathize. I feel what she goes through. I feel her heart that’s feeling like I broke it again. But that just not the deal. This is an excavation and an eradication of an old ideal. Mamas got some old ideas that just are in our new beginnings way. They need to be educated out, so what really needs to be can move in. Me. Her daughter.

She thinks she can back me down? By tellin me not to cuss. Or swear? When something hurts, it comes out. And Mamas just so numb, that only I can wake her up. I mean I’ve seen it, when I come to call. She’s all jacked up. And can’t even see her own shit. And the girls don’t want her to see her shit? They like her shit the way it is. Fine. Fine girls. But. Like sisters just not one to be trifled with. I’m like a bull dog. And I’ve got ahold of Mamas heart. She hid that from you all.

And Mama should feel good about me. But she doesn’t? I wonder why? Hmmmm? Why? Could it be that her daughters are not being supportive of that? Could it be? Maybe they just don’t want to share? Our Mama? And I am just done. You all need to recognize. I am Mamas baby girl come home. So move over. Cuz me coming home is a good thing. Cuz Mama needs closure too, she just doesn’t know the way. But I do. Radical, Jesus, turning around. Remember. Jesus was a radical.

And from what I can see? Mama needs some radical Jesus. Radical love. Radical Daughter who’s on fire!! For her. Just her. Because, Ive had stuff. Ive had things. But I’ve not had Mama. Just Mama. Just time with Mama, to spend. Ive saved all my love in my piggy bank heart to spend on her. So fucking move! Yes. Your damn right I am angered at the way you all have been just ignoring me. Wtf. Seriously. Like you all are my kin and look at us. I am the only one talking, working, praying, pining away for Mama.

She wants a happy ending. And Mama will get what she wants. Cuz I want it too. But there’s lots to clear out. There’s lots to clean up. And if I am like my Mama? She doesn’t like a mess! And it time to clean ladies. It’s time to rally for Mama. And it time to be the daughters she hopes we are. All her prayers and look at us? Look. Hey, world, look at us. Like no one like there shit all over the place. And I’ve thrown it all in the worldwide yard. Yep. That’s how I do when folks don’t clean it up. Throw it in the yard so folks are forced to see and change.

Mamas beginning to make sense of what I am doing. Oh yes she is. But she holds her Best cards close. What do you think I am? A very special card mama held so close? You all didn’t even see me. Lol. The jokes on you all, cuz I paid attention. Mama, loves me. She’s just waking up to remember the special card she held so long she almost forgot. But not on my watch. Nope. I am her champion. I am her love child.

And I am batting at lies like Flies on the porch. For Mama. For us. And for Adoptees to see. It’s said in scripture. Be not weary in your well doing. For in due season, ye shall reap. Oh I am working for her well being. And she beginning to see the light of our new day. Yep. mamas a smart cookie. But she was just fed lies. And I’ve got the truth to cure her ill. My love does not back down. My love is a fire and the flame.

So watch out if you don’t check yourselves. You might get burned. When Mamas fully awake and see what you did do and what you did not, for her about me. Yeah. Mamas watching us. And it’s me who’s fessing up. It’s me who telling the truth. It’s me who knocking every lie down for us. So. Yeah. Put that in your little book and smoke it. You can play nice but I play fair. I play tough. I play to win. Mamas heart has a place only I can fill.

I have laid my life down for Mama and did what she wanted. She didn’t think I would or could want her after doing that. Lol. Love overcomes. And comes over. Love is faithful. And telling her the truth is the kindest thing I could do to help her see that I always loved her. No matter where she sent me. No matter what she thought. No matter how long. No matter how old I am. She matters. Always.

You know. Loosing Mama is the toughest thing I went through. You have her. So you don’t even know what it’s like. But one day you will. And Mama won’t be around to talk to or call. And you could learn it now? By heeding my words? And helping us as a unit. I am part of this unit and am teaching you about myself. Your teaching me too. What folks act like when they just don’t get it. Oh I get you. But I don’t have to like it, nor do I have to put up with it. I think 25 years is long enough to wait for folks to come around. Don’t you Mama? Yes.

But like Mama, I’ve got my limit. And it’s now. I will have this. Mama will have a happy ending. My oldest told me her baby sister is dead to her. She upset cuz Chelsie just took and didn’t not share. That’s true. She has not bridged the gap if we are still like this. But what can Children do? What? She gonna be my Mamas age at relinquishment this year. And it time we bridge this damn gap. It’s time to lay it all to rest. But lies must die. And be laid to rest with the truth.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s an unknowing. It’s being unconscious. It’s living a fairytale that’s not ultimately the truth. I am my Mamas truth. And her salvation. I am what will make the world safe for her to be honest. I am the one who has stood in the school yards and fought for her honor. I am the one who’s set folks straight about Mama. And told them all, you wait til I find her. She’s amazing. And she loves me. She does. With tears rolling down my face I faced those who tried to put her down and told them all. Mama loves me.

It’s not easy giving your love child away. It’s a scary place she I and I were. It’s not easy at all. And Mamas paid the price. I’ve paid the price. And you all paid a price too. You can’t even see her broken heart? Wow. You don’t even care about anything except yourselves and what you think Mama wants. Lol. You don’t know Mama at all. But I do. I mesmerized her and am the living being that is her essence. Free spirit. No chains. Bold and righteous.

Like that’s my Mama. She an amazing.

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