What’s left? After you clear the dross off the top? Dross is the impurities that are in raw metal, like silver. When heat is put to silver and makes it turn back into liquid, dross which is embedded within is released, and floats to the top. The silversmith, the metal worker, skims it off to reveal pure silver.
I’ve had some heat put to me. And all the dross came up. All the impure ideas and thoughts have come up and out of me like dross. And this blog is where I skim it off the top to show, all that was planted within me. Many seeds have grown weeds of thought. Many well meaning people that have spoken their truths to me, have planted seeds within me. And those seeds grew. But they were not my ultimate truth. Those seeds were dross.
Unless heat is put to a life, the dross is hidden. Unless we allow the ultimate fire to boil the silver to it highest point, the dross stays within and the pure silver can not be seen nor formed into beautiful things. Mama’s got dross too. Her thoughts, after heat was applied, came foaming to the top, and I could see. She had some impure thoughts about me. Many of the thoughts Mama has had for years about me. But those thoughts are not me, they are hers about me. Thoughts are things. And thoughts are part of creation. We think about making a sandwich, then we make a sandwich, or not. Thoughts come before. Thoughts are creation.
Mama and I had a lot of thoughts that just did not match. We both have spent time away from each other and there was a lot we heard and felt and thought about what reunion means. Does framing thoughts down stop those thoughts? Does not speaking them make them go away? I think not. For I found many still alive and kicking in Mama, many that she had when I was within her. Time had covered them over, but they were still there.
It’s no fun showing Mama the weeds she thinks are dead. It’s no fun being the vessel that told the nasty truth and showed Mama what she had buried alive. Because thoughts are ideas. And you can’t kill an idea, you must transform it, how? By the washing of the word. My word. My truth. Washes hers. And hers washes mine.
Me and Mama needed to take a long look in the mirror of each other to see. As I have spoken, Mama has read. And Mama was blind. But now she sees. She and I were lost. But now we are found. What shall we do now? Staying lost or going back to sleep is not an option. Once blind and now seeing? We can not go back to what was. She’s got the girls to deal with. She got to get the family ready to receive what has always been a part of them. Me. And I ready myself for them. 25 years of readying.
Our time has come. And I will not stand before God and say, I just could do it, it’s to hard. I will stand faithful and vigilant. I will stand up for this triad and our struggles. I will not back down. And I forge ahead to victory. My dream is unity. My dream is the closure of this gap in our minds that have missing pieces. Our missing pieces are each other. And I feel strongly that as a member of my family that Mama needs to accept Mama Jean as her partner in raising me. And she certainly needs to find the silver lining beyond this dross.
I want to just mention here that I am, a multi level thinker and a multi direction thinker. That means my brain moves in many levels and direction. Adoption gave me that. My mind sorts and researched what it told. I ask questions and prove it disprove a notion. I was labeled ADD when I was young. But Mama Jean would not keep me on Ritalin. Thank God. But my mind thinks in many directions and around and around. It is different. I don’t think like most. But I feel t is a gift. My mind has adapted to the disruption in my story. And I process things differently. I ask questions. I test the answers.
This is what I have done here to Mama. I’ve hit her with questions and barraged her with words to cause her dross to come up to be seen. I woke her up and she really doesn’t like to be woken. But that’s ok. She’ll get used to it. Comfortably numb is a song, and not a way of being for she and I. We have a call on our lives. And Mama, just did not see that one coming. Neither did I. But this story that brewing like the coffee Mama likes to drink is a good one. God has shown me where we are going. I’ve seen our promised land.
And unlike Moses, Mama will partake. She will get in, as I have Air to breath. It will be so. Even though she doesn’t see the promised land god has shown me. I can now
Begin to describe it with words that come from thoughts. It’s freaking beautiful. But it gonna take work. No slackers aloud. So Mamas got to dig deep. For God’s glory is all around us. But we must rid ourselves of this dead weight. That’s confession. Riding ourselves of our old story and confessing our missed marks is part of lightening our load.
Once Mama has had her coffee that I am brewing, she will look into the eyes she once saw for only a moment. Eyes of a child filled with love that she loaned to a woman. Because you can’t really give a child to another. It’s a law that God wrote within each child. But I shared my love with Mama Jean. But she can’t have it all. There’s some that’s only for Mama. I know. I know. But I’ve tested it. And it’s a law. My hearts has love for only Mama. That’s doesn’t mean I don’t love others. It means a special portion is always reserved by nature for the Mama we come from, no matter how Mama is. She can be nice, or mean. We love our Mamas. We may Not like how they act? But we love them.
And what my Mamas did not see was that they share me. Mama tried to be invisible. Lol. But I resurrected her from within. I embody my Mamas essence. I am a walking talking piece of her flesh. Yesterday I was helping a duck in the yard get to the other side to join the others and I swears to you, Mama was there. It freaked me out. And yet comforted me. So surreal when you hear your Mama come out. I was talking to the duck and my voice? Well. I have to record us together so you can see it. It’s so amazing. A blessing a curse these days.
My Mamas are in a love triangle, with me in the middle. And they are just not getting what they do to me by staying the same. I’ve changed. I’ve grown up. And the time for these old fairytales is gone. These two woman are tearing me apart and don’t even see. My heart is torn between them. And I want to stay together and need their help to do so. You know that bible story about the woman fighting over the child? And the king asks who’s the Mama?
And they argue? And them the king threatened to cut the baby in half? And the Mama concedes, and the Kong’s them knows who the Mama is? Yeah. That’s me. God has me on the chopping block and my Mamas are so in their own worlds they made with my life to see how they tear me apart by staying the same.
Why my children have become
Numb I’ll never know. You want Mama back? Get to work and help me. I’ve trained you. You know the mark I seek to hit. You feel it each day when we are off course. Home means all included. mama Jean is family. And we need to get acquainted. Why in the hell would I let this go? There are states of conduct. And rules of engagement. We are engaged and yet act like we are not? This is a slight. My Mama is being held to a higher standard than before. Both of them are being called Higher. But me. The child they claimed to be loving. Would not love demand change for the child’s betterment? And if not? Then love had nothing to do with what they did. Nothing.
From what I see? My Mamas have some answers to give. And they have some work to be done. Because I made them lazy. Mama never had to raise me? Lazy. Mama Jean never had to be without a child. Lazy. I’ve had to be their puppet. But Pinocchio is now real. No strings. And no wood. I am flesh and blood standing In The streets of life calling my Mamas to stand attention. I am doing it in front of you all. Because there was no place for an adopted child to hide. I have had to own this badge I wear called adopted. And own it I have. Many Adoptees hide it. Or try. It’s useless to hide. I flaunt my badge. Why have a badge if you don’t wear it?
But my Mamas seem to
Not like my badge? They want me to Settle down and be normal? Normal? Normal? Lol. Adoptees are not normal. We are extraordinary. We are evolved. So. I’d love to comply, but am unable to do so. Adoption changed me and we can not go back to the way it was. And you lady’s are now going to have to change, like I had to at two days old. And this time? I’ll be the tour guide. And I can assure you I am way better than you two. I’ve learned the lessons. And I’ll teach you what I learned living like this for you both. And I’ll be way better. Oh yeah. Way nicer.
I’ll actually teach you. And I will listen when your upset and confused. I will
Explain things so you can learn as you go. We will Work together. Two only children. Two Mamas who are only Children. I may have been raised an only child. But I am one of ten. The middle child on both sides. So. I am in a good position to see it all. And I have seen quite a bit lately. Most of which is my Mamas and family lala gaging around. Most of what I have seen is stubborn people not see a wave coming and no preparation. I’ve seen my family take me for granted. I’ve seen my sisters on my Mamas side take what’s mine by birth right. My place is not theirs to decide. God Decided long ago and placed me with Mama and you three girls. And Nick, who’s silent as well.
Yep. I am angry. But anger is an energy that is a catalyst. It causes in to move. And now is our time to move and get to what is. Get to being family. As children of God we must graph Mama Jean in. Physically. She’s earned the right by showing up. And I’ve popped you all real hard to prepare you for her kind of logic. Sometimes we must toughen up. You all have been living a lie and have gone soft. It’s time you know the rough life I lived for all of you to live a life without me. I’ve come up to see all of you. And you spurned me. Me? Your sister, your daughter, and for Chelsie, your Mama. Looks at your actions. I kept coming. I kept showing up to do the work. Look at what you have done and said.
I know what I’ve done and said. I recited it here. Sooo. Who’s hiding now? I have come clean. Told the nasty truth. What shall you do? I will, drag you all kicking and screaming, just like the nurse did me. Because Everyone knows who you are now. So whatever I do, is linked to all of you. And if your not with me? Well. You know how it goes. People will talk. What do you want them to say? Or you can just show up and begin doing the right thing. Which is piecing us back together for God’s glory. And go our family tree that has been torn apart by this act.
There must be a new beginning. It’s hard
Changing an old pattern. True. And everyone’s soooo comfortable the way they are. But, when we do not obey the call? What then? Is God’s blessing on us if we fail? What shall we tell when we stand before the king?
- Lord, my sisters was just to intense.
- Lord, I tried
- Lord, I was just to busy
- Lord, I just did not understand
- Lord, I had better things to do.
- Lord, I failed
- Lord, I didn’t see you there.
What? Is this what you want? Live life to win. Our reunions is a win win for us all. There is much for us to learn of each other. And much to let go of so we can create better. We clear the dross to reveal pure silver. But the heat must do it work. We must submit to the ultimate Smiths process to obtain purification and be made a new.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.
I am praying for us all. It’s time for healing.