It’s hard to brace yourself for your Mama rejecting you. That’s a big pill. And religion relinquishment and separation from her causes a deep cut into the very identity you come from. For me, it totally cut me deep. It cut me in two. I could not forget where I came from because it’s part of my DNA, and yet I could not forget, and yet with a new Mama, I had much to learn and catch up on. Mama Jean and I didn’t have a 9 month meet and greet.
Relinquishment is the energy I was born into. And I grew up unsure of what I could
Hold onto. Would Mama Jean do me the same as Mama? Would Mama Jean see me like Mama? Would she see through all the baby fat and rolls and see the demon my own Mama saw in me? Would she be able to love me? Beyond what Mama saw? And could she hold on to me? Because I wasn’t sure I could hold onto her. I was to scared of being rejected again.
Relinquishment cut very deep into my identity. It shaped my whole world. And Mama Jean had her work cut out for her by the woman who I came from. I now had a whole inside me, that my own Mama cut out and took away. And yet the seeds planted the nine months we shared grew despite her absence. I tried to be like Mama Jean, but my body defied me. It was like Linda, possessed me and I had no choice.
I never knew how strong the DNA was h til we met and I saw who I came from. And it blew me away and totally disrupted what I knew, a fresh and anew. And I felt so guilty. Guilty that I could be like Mama Jean. That I came from a Mama who could do this to me. What kind of Mama could I even be? But Mama Jean had faith in me. Faith I could see growing like a counter seed to my Mamas seeds.
It’s like those seed grew together. Two trees within me inner twined. Mama Jean worked tirelessly to plant good seeds and weed out the bad seeds with her love and commitment to me, the seed that came from another. She put herself in harms way to carve away and cut the poison out of me. That’s huge. For me.
There are many things I don’t understand. But one thing I do is unconditional love. Because Mama Jeans loaded with it. God must have filled her full of it because she like a fountain of love that I drink from. And I know, that that’s God Love in her. She may not know the scriptures and may not quote them, but she expresses God’s love without a word. Her deeds have cut a groove within me. Her love has made me wonder.
Many of her actions have caused my pain to hurt. And she saw that. She saw my hurt and tried again and again and again. I guess that where I get this undying ability to keep trying with my own Mama. I do want her to see what Mama Jean did for her child. And it hurts that Mama fails to respond. She fails to see Mama Jean in me and only sees her mistake.
I know Mama Jean prayed I. Her own way for me. With every step and every deed. She prayed a prayer of works in my life. She worked tirelessly and never backed down. She keeps showing up and giving me her brand of love. And I guess I got used to it. I guess I wanted to share it with Mama. But Mama can’t see. She’s blind to the truth of what she did so long ago and has told herself another story.
Mama Jean helped Mama back in the 60’s. Mama got a hall pass because Mama Jean took me on. And Mama didn’t have to deal with what she made, nor with what God had made within her. And I don’t see that it made Mama stronger. Because she can’t even get me. Denial serves no one. Lies are always found out. And things down in ignorance will always be learned. Mama now knows the affect she had on me. She now knows I never forgot who’s I was and whom I came from.
And relinquishment made a cut deep in my identity. I had to go on without my history and heritage. I struggled to learn the history of my new family while dealing with grief no one wanted to see. We do that. We just paint o er it instead of digging it out and dressing it. That’s all we knew. But we have learned more about identity and the human psyche. And digging deep is what’s needed to ex sponge what once was and turn it into what is.
I kept my two identities separate. I held my DNA patterns within and yet they got out anyway. And many of my actions were dismaying to me. Mama Jean and I are so different and yet the same. We are two people who needed love and yet from two different worlds that met. Mama Jean seemed to have a different brand of faith than Mama. And I was the unwilling at times student. But teach me she did. Her love demanded my attention. Her love covered Mamas cut and helped me go on to grow up.
When God called me home to Mama, I was scared. But I trusted. My body knew it would not be easy. And I would have to hold Mama Jeans hand while I witnessed it all again. It has riveted me and made me cry and wrench with an old pain as I witnessed my family of origins go on as if I wasn’t there. I’ve had to look at what I came from to see what my struggle really was. And Mama Jean did not back off. She did not block me. She has listened to me talk about the other woman in my life for my whole life. Standing in the wings of my play, loving me.
And it was high Time I extradited that. It was time for me to deal with Mama. It’s was time to test Mama Jeans faith out. Would I be strong enough? Yes. Could I face this? Yes. And would Mama Jean still love me? Yes. She did. And yes she does. More so, now because she knows what I did and went through for her as well. I held on back. I clung at times back. And she came through for me and Mama.
A scare remains. To remind me of many things. And so I teach you what I learned and struggle through. Not for pity. Not for fame. But for Love. It’s not easy being adopted. Nor is it easy to adopt someone else’s mistake. Woman speak ill of the children God makes within them and think the child within can’t feel and hear it. And that’s not true. I heard it all and it had a profound affect on me. And Mama Jean, well she was the clean up crew. And she matters very much to me. She’s my rock and my stream.
My story is hard to read. It’s fragmented, misses pierces, and yet is a twisted love story between to woman and a child. Mama Jean may not be where I came from, but she is home at last within me. I’ve thrown out Mamas lies told in her own ignorance, to make more room for Mama JeAn. I will not say I am totally hers. For that is a lie. But I am the child from Linda she made her own.
Thanks for diving at all with me.