When I first started to break down and realized that I had a choice. To stay with the Old program as instructed by adoption, or forge a new road for me, Mama Jean, and Mama. I chose to forge anew. Which meant tearing down all that I knew. And it also meant to tell my truth to show why.
When I first started to breakdown. My mind was the first to go. It was like my whole system said to me, stop. Stop lying. Stop lying to yourself that it doesn’t matter and that it’s ok like it was was the first thing. It was as if my mind just started to shut down. I remember trying to push forward like I always did, and stuff it. But my body and mind had teamed up on me.
I remember trying to sing at funerals. I am a singer. And doing funerals is a blessing to me. I feel singing folks to the other side is a ministry. God gave me a voice and people seemed to like to hear me. I feel God anointed my voice. And when I couldn’t even get up on time to get to a funeral I quit doing them. I remember having to send an apology letter to a woman I had agreed to sing for, due to the fact that I didn’t wake up in time and missed the whole thing. That was so horrific for me. Because it had never happened and I was embarrassed that I seemed to not be able to function like usual.
And no matter what I did, somehow, my joy was being taken from me about singing. And it scared me. What was wrong with me? And I went to doctor after doctor to figure it out. But no one could find a thing. Except cysts on my liver, like my Daddy died from. That scared me so bad. It was like my body was saying, cough it up. All that you stuffed. Cough it all up. My body had hanged up on my strong mind that had kept me going, as if to say, its time to clear this all out. It’s time to lighten the load.
I was not happy about this. No. I was not. I am a strong willed woman and have pushed through life for years without even grieving a loss like loosing your Mama. And yet? I knew. My body was right. My appetite stopped. It’s was like my body was saying, “ I need closure about this and it’s time to grieve” it was like my body said to me, “you must recognize this loss even if no one else gets it, because you do”, “ now stop lying about it and tell the truth or else. What the else is? I don’t want to know. But I will not take my precious research to the grave like Mama. No. Not for prides sake. For pride goeth before a fall.
So break it down is where I went, so God could build me up again. To be humble is to be grounded. My original truth grounded me to a lie and I am not that at all.