It feels like…

I have gone through a complete 360 in my whole process of thinking since I made the choice to just talk to the world about being adopted. And it feels like I am essentially breaking down. I really hope I don’t stop functioning all together.

My body is going through it for sure. I have hot flashes. And at first I thought it was hormonal, but I have been really paying attention, and as my memories come back to me? I have been dealing with this for my whole life. I have just been misdiagnosed. Forever.

Below is an article about grief and the affects on the body. I have all the symptoms. I’ve never put it together until the pain would no longer allow me to push it down. And Support? What’s that? I’ve been carved on and drugged. But, no one even realized that I was grieving the loss of my Mama. And that’s why I blog. I suffered and still do as my grief demands that I acknowledge it and express it.

Like this is my life. And it’s very unfortunate that my Mamas upset. But, that said? I need to get over her. She doesn’t see a problem with her actions? That’s just so sad, that I came from a woman so, well, let’s say, oblivious to her own affect. But, I want to move on. Grief has been the only energy that I remember about her. And I sure wanted better for us. But she doesn’t seem to want to work to have better. What does a daughter do? She gets real, and comes clean despite pour Mama’s lack of awareness about even her own actions affect on me, her child.

It’s abusive. It’s hurtful. It’s ludac she thought I would just blow away and not be upset? My sisters seem to be used to this kind of behavior form Mama. But, I am not. Abuse is abuse. I’ve helped so many people who have been abused in my life? I know it when I see it. Mama just calls it something else. She should not have had children if this is how she treated my sisters. That’s strong, I know. But geez.

And it time for me to reconcile my Mama images. Because I held her up on a higher stage than she deserved. And the woman who showed up aid for that. She took the heat. And I am giving that to Mama now. Mama Jean showed up, loved me for me, and she deserves better. My Mama? What a mess. Down deep? A mess. Supportive? LMAO. It’s all about her. No room in her mental inn to like, be a Mama. As she told me on a recent visit? She busy. Doing everything except what God calls all Mamas to do, show up. And my Chelsie is upset at me? Look who I came from?

She can be nice to anyone else, but me. And that just, So shallow. These words will make her angry. But well? To bad. I’ve lost her. If she can’t see? Well, I will not enable her to co tinier to be blind and make it easy for her. She did not make it easy for me. Relationships are not easy. And my Mama actually thought? She did not have a relationship with me. Funny. We have a relationship. I relate, she blocks that relating. So stupid a move.

I mean if you make an enemy, don’t just hide. They sooner or later will be at your door. Why not fix it? Seriously an over sight on my families part to think they can just flick me away. Lol. They don’t know who I came from. And they don’t know who raised me. What a hoot. College educations or not. They really are behind the curve on this one. I e done my homework. Something Mama Evidently doesn’t like to do.

Here’s the text I read from. If your adopted and trying to figure out why your in pain and can’t stiff it anymore? Read and learn. Accepting something no one even validates is hard. But it is worth it to yourself to self validate how you really feel when the lights are off and no ones around. And remember, we all mourn alone, but with courage, it doesn’t have to stay that way.

I love the you that’s trying to be born again. Stay strong. Message me. And I will pray for you. My prayers seem to work. And it does help my pain when one person is relieved of such a pain as we Adoptees carry alone in plain site.

Read. And know. Your pain is real.

If you’ve recently experienced the passing of a beloved family member, friend, or animal companion; you’re well aware of the power grief has over your quality of life. In truth, nothing is more devastating to our physical well-being and psychological/emotional equilibrium than the death of a loved one. So much so, Larry Malerba, a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine (DO), argues it’s very likely “the most common ‘natural’ cause of chronic illness is unresolved grief”.

What then is unresolved grief? While there is no clear timetable for the grief experience, unresolved grief is used to describe a grief experience which takes longer than what is common for a person’s social or cultural background. In addition, Dr. Malerba tells his audience “this unprocessed grief is commonly a source of anxiety, irritability, depression, other emotional disturbances, and even mania and psychosis.”

Certainly, anyone with unresolved grief has trouble taking care of daily responsibilities, and not just because of the emotional and mental effects of bereavement (such as disorientation, and a painful lack of capacity to initiate and maintain organized patterns of activity (Source: Maurice Lamm). Often this inability is the direct result of the discomforts of the physical effects of grief he or she is experiencing. But your grief doesn’t need to be unresolved to bring with it a set of physical symptoms; anyone mourning the death of a loved one can manifest them at any stage of the grieving process.

The Most Common Physical Symptoms of Grief

In the opening to The Atlantic’s article “Understanding How Grief Weakens the Body”, contributor Cari Romm noted the close linguistic connection between grief and illness, as found in the phrase, “sick with grief”. And today, she noted, “medical knowledge suggests that our bodies already know what our words have long implied: that grief can, quite literally, sicken”.

Sadly, when you’re in the midst of grief, it’s all too easy to discount the importance of, or ignore these symptoms altogether. But, when you consider the physicality of your grief affects the quality of your grief experience; in the long run, you really can’t afford to do so.

Ignoring your physical symptoms of grief will inevitably lengthen your bereavement considerably. Here are some of the most common physical reactions to loss, including the death of a loved one:

• general tiredness and extreme fatigue at times

• random pains and aches, such as headaches, rib, neck or back pain

• an inability to sit still, restlessness

• gastric distress, such as an ulcer, inflammation of the esophagitis, or colitis

• shortness of breath

• heart palpitations

• loss of appetite or it’s opposite: comfort eating

• insomnia

• finding it hard to sleep or fear of sleeping

• muscle weakness

• increased blood pressure, risk of heart attack and blood clots

• anxiety attacks

• suppressed immune system

If you’re experiencing any of these physical symptoms of grief, it is highly recommended you see a physician for a conversation and a rigorous physical check-up.

What Factors Contribute to Our Grief Experience?

In the excellent Natural News article, “Could Grief be Causing Your Chronic Illness?”; the author writes of the numerous unique factors within an individual’s process of grieving, including his or her level of “psychological maturity” as well as their level of “understanding of the nature and purpose of grief and loss.” There are other very important factors affecting the success of a person’s bereavement:

• The amount of support given by friends, family and coworkers

• The individual’s physical, spiritual and mental health at the time of loss

• The existing cultural and social attitudes about death and grief

When Then, is the Work of Grief?

It’s all about cultivating self-awareness; checking-in with your body daily (if not two or three times a day) to assess how it’s doing, and writing down the symptoms you’re experiencing (with the date/time noted). Look for patterns, and don’t ignore them when you see them surface.

Couple this self-awareness with enhanced self-care. Of course, that means tending to your basic physical needs: eating the right food, getting enough sleep, and regular exercise (all of which can be compromised by grief). But it also means taking care of yourself on a practical level; for example, do your best to keep your house clean, your clothes laundered, and your bills paid. Other suggestions can be found in the article How to Manage the Effects of Grief and Stress.

Remember, You’ll be Forever Changed

Without doubt, grieving the death of a loved one is a life-changing experience. In the following passage, Ann Lamont, an American novelist, described the lingering effects of grief in physical terms in this passage, quoted widely throughout the Internet:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” (Source: Grief Speaks)

Online Sources:

Romm, Cari, “Understanding How Grief Weakens the Body”, The Atlantic, September 11, 2014

Gupta, Sanjay, “How Grief Can Make You Sick”, Everyday Health, updated 3/10/15

Lamm, Maurice, “Psychological Symptoms of Grief”,, accessed 2016

Malerba, Larry, “Could Grief be Causing Your Chronic Illness?”, Natural News, May 12, 2011

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