I guess my Mama thought disappearing wasn’t like death to me.

As I write my feelings about a lot of things adopted, I just Marvel. How? Did woman and do woman believe the things they believe? How did my Mama come to such an incomplete conclusion about me? Like what gives?

I mean these are the questions that swirled around in my little head growing up. And no one can answer them except her. And she still not telling me the story? I wonder. Does she ever read stories? I know she reads cookbooks. Maybe that’s the problem. Cookbooks tell of recipes and ingredients. Stories tell the same, by there is a narrative, a story line that flows throughout the entire book.

I admit. My story looks bleak right now with Mama so silent. But does she not realize that every story has a sad chapter that’s usually right before the happy ending or sad ending. I work for a happy ending. That’s my intention. Mama and me needed to clean the old slate. Or at least I did. I am not who she thought I was, nor am I who she thinks I am now. Lack of context has caused her to bolt and run. She just did not have the whole story. So how? Can she even begin to understand?

And it looks like she simply does not want to understand? How is this possible? I just wonder? How she could just keep going on and on living a lie? And act like she’s not who everyone knows she is now. How can she continue to bury her head in the sand? What is the point? Does doing this mean it didn’t happen? Does her actions change my feelings? I think not.

And what I see is self inflicted ignorance. Does she think that God does not see? I know God sees me. And I am not going to lie to make Mama happy, and risk God design with my would be unwillingness to be honest. God knows all. And even what Mamas hiding from. No one is invisible. People can not use the truth against you if you tell on yourself. I own my feelings so God can change them. I tell on myself so I will not go back. Back to feeling like my Mamas mistake. I am not a mistake. That’s her story, not mine.

My Mama leaving was death to me. And I got no counseling, or support to face that loss. Nope. And to say that I need professional help is a nice pat answer to ease ones mind. But, it nonsense. I am fine. Just a bit pissed off. And what I am experiencing because I was honest is a shame. To be excluded from my own family is hurtful and cruel. That’s what being Adopted gets you.

Woman who do this leave a wake of pain on the children they leave. Because when the lights go out and no ones around, I missed her. Yep. What do I want? My Mama back. In her right mind and coherent. I wish for her to be educated and knowledgeable about adoptions affect on her child , and for myself as well. So, we can go forward knowing, we chose to change the script. But she appears to like the story like it is, and I am not pleased with that outcome.

I guess I should just let it go? But my body will not let me. My body says, go home. Work it out with Mama. Talk to her and make it right again. Tell her your feelings, she will see. And it’s hard to do that, when your up against such lies. It’s hard to turn her ship around when she feels she did her best and want to keep her life the same. Without me. That’s hard to face. But I am facing it.

People have problems with their Mamas all the time. Many stop talking to them and just go on. I really don’t want to do that. Sure. She’s taking this very personally. And so did I back when I was born. I took it hard. And was sick with grief and longing. That’s what I stuffed because there was no way home. She cut me off from family roots. But God have them back to me? Why? Just to hurt me again and again?

We can quote scriptures all day. But is God happy that we are like this? No. I think not. I know I am not happy about it. And each day I have anxiety and lack of appetite because of this. I experience the affects of stifled grief and can’t seem to stop my body from wrenching over the pain of loss. My heart palpitates. And I get tired and loose mental clarity. I struggle to just do things, like clean house and my art that I do love because my Mama, doesn’t care. I am not going to lie. It’s rough facing this.

I get upset. Because she is a Christian. And I have read the scriptures about Children and parents. I know God’s not down with how she’s choosing to act. And yet? She’s still acting like she is. She’s still being a dead beat. My Dad embraced what she and he made. He blessed it. And yet Mama can’t even see a blessing in my truth. That even though, I still am knocking.

It’s disturbing she thinks I am a demon sent from hell. That’s a hard one. The day she called me and told me the scripture that talks about the fruits of the flesh was hurtful. Like what? She’s not fight me? She’s fighting what I think. The only way to rid herself of my thoughts is to talk to me like two people. I sometimes wonder? Does she just want me dead so she can go on?

And yet how can a Mama think like that? How did she get where she is? How did she convince herself that it’s just ok when every adoption book printed says what she’s doing is not a good idea? Well, one answer is she doesn’t read adoption books even though she is a mother linked to adoption, on paper. And now in life. It’s out in the open and she still hiding. It’s all out except her side.

I feel that there are lessons to learn for she and I. Lessons that she and must complete before our time is up. Lessons that help us to grow spiritually and mentally and bodily. Lessons that evolve us, into who we need to become. What was the point? What did she want me to learn by doing this choice? Has adoption given her what she truly wanted? And if not? I feel, we have lessons to learn together.

Silence is not always golden. Silence leaves so much unsaid. Silence is no mans gift when another goes on ignorant. I wish to hear from her, her side. Does she think blocking is healthy? I wonder does she tell her counselor about us? Or does she just act like I am dead? We could go together and talk. But I’ve gotten no invite to her professional.

I write here because I am tired of holding all these questions in. And I am not talking behind her back? I am talking in front of everyone. Because I want answers. Like hello!

What is a birth right when any Mama can throw it away for another? Why even give rights at all? Children are treated like their Mamas dogs in adoption. They can just sell us to the highest bidder and no one even gives a shit. Except us.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

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