Waking up to how you feel and felt is rough.

Coming into my Authentic self is a very rigorous process. Identifying feelings that I have felt for so long they are like a program that’s been running In the background of my mind since I was born. As a child abandoned by my Mama, I have clung to lies for years.

Lies like-

  1. Your Mama loved you soooo much, she gave you away.
  2. Your are chosen. (I just love that one!) not!
  3. You are so lucky to be adopted. Luck had nothing to do with it.
  4. God sent you to me. No? My Mama did. And I know why.
  5. Once a Mother, always a Mother.
  6. You only get one Mother, so love her. Hilarious! Not

I found my Mama. And she told me she was just a donor.

I found my Mama and she did not want to be what she is, a Mama, to me.

I found her? And she rejects me.

I found my sisters? They don’t give a shit about me? Like my Mama said,”they don’t need me, they have each other”

I’ve tried this way and that?

Well, as I write here? Well, now you see why I write here. I write to show you all, the lies told to me, and adoptee.

I have had to prove or disprove what has been said to me by asking my Mama.

She told me on one of our visits? I am not your Mama? Like, ok? Then who is Chelsie to you? She’s mine? Soooo? Yeah. Kind of a double standards there for Mama.

Waking up to this truth has been horrific and mind blowing! She just keeps blocking her daughter over and over. I feel for my sisters. But they seem to like her like that. They can’t back me up on calling Mama on all her bullshit.

But, I personally am grateful for the truth. I still would like to have the story. Yep. And my birth certificate. And I will go to court and file like everyone else. But, like who protected now? Me? Or Mama? Who’s well being is considered now? Mine? The child? Or pour Mama? She was a grown woman when she made her decision.

And God’s laws are written of the tablets of

Our hearts. So. She will have to answer to that law. I confessed missed marks are judged. And God does not appreciate his children being rearranged to suit ourselves. I am loyal to God. God sent me back for a reason. And that reason was to see what she had become without me. She was given one last chance to own what she did and to alter her course. She wants to go on without God’s grace? That’s her choice. God will deal with her. I wash my hands of this.

It is out of my hand now. I have done what I was sent to do. To love her and to be honest about what I went through. Now. She must deal with God about it. God alone knows her heart and I was shown what is in her head that has poisoned her.

Lord, I give the woman I came from called my Mama to you. You alone know what is to come for her. I bless what you have made me from, even if she can not. I know, I am a gift. And I give you alone the love I have for the vessel that you made me from. Thank you Lord for sparing me. Thank you for keeping me strong. Thank you for showing me why. Help me help other Adoptees find justice, so they can heal. Show me the way. Amen.

Thank you for diving deep with me today.

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