Ugh.

This is so difficult. Trying to make your family see something they don’t want to see is challenging. It’s upsetting and stressful. All I want is my Mama to understand. And it hard to tell her how my life felt growing up. And compassion’s all I need and a hug.

It really so distressing when your sisters don’t even have time for you. And don’t seem to want to take the time to get to know you. It’s so upsetting that the people that are your DNA family are not even equipped to even give a shit and know what to do?

Like all this time has passed and this is how it is for us, the adopted who want their families back. And this is how it is.

But being reunited with your Mama, means that your being reunited with your past with your Mama. And time does not erase what your Mama has hidden from the world, her other children, and especially from herself. Co

Ing Home to yourself is to embrace the tragedy of a Mama thinking such things as mine has in regards to yourself. Many, were not true.

Mama Jean protected me as long as she could. And she trained me to be strong by telling me the hard truth. She toughened me up and yet still showed me compassion. And that how I see real love. Love is not sugar and cream, it grit, and guts to love despite the odds and the musings of the one you came from.

I now know that I am a piece of Linda Marie that Mama Jean honed, and pruned, and cared for like not even my own Mama could. She is a trooper. Despite all my confusion and anger, she keeps showing up. She is faithful. And that is something my Mama is not. She is faithful to herself. Mama Jean has taken a lot of heat from me for not being like my Mama. And I had to go back and see where I came from and how they act under pressure to see how far I have come beyond that.

I never felt so unloved by Mama Jean as I do with my Mama. The minute I made first contact with Mama, she rejected me again and again. But God lead me to her anyway. I feel now, to show me what I was saved from. I am a very loving person, because of Mama Jean, not Mama. I’ve gonna up to see Mama, and driven all day, with gifts and food to share and been turned away, had Police called on me, doors slammed in my face by those that are called sisters. That’s my family.

Yesterday was hard. But I feel something broken in me. I feel a pressure that’s released. I’ve done all I can to make her see, but she’s gone. Mamas dead. The Mama I remembered and loved so much? Is gone. And a woman who’s gone mad on her own lies to save her sanity has taken over and blocks me from her view. She only see what she told herself about the baby god made inside her. And I am done trying to make her see me for who I really am.

She’s the crazy one. I am not anymore. I was. Crazy to think I could make her see. And god let me try. But she’s just not there anymore. The woman I knew is gone and time has grown over what once was. And I am not the baby she knew, nor am I the disgusting story she thought I was. I am not her, I am not my Dad. I am they, after being raised by an angel who never gave up on me.

I am grateful for Mama Jean. I am not grateful for adoption. I am grateful for a woman who I was not born from that showed up to love a mad woman’s child. And that’s how I see it today. Mama just doesn’t get it. I don’t think she ever will. But that for God to decide. God within her. Paper did not change who I was within and who I was from. Paper changed who I am now because of it.

People talk to me about my blog and Facebook posts, people that know me. And they all tell me supportive things that they love about me. Mama can’t see that. Mama can’t even see the good in me. Neither can my sisters. And when Mama does dies, or when the woman I came from dies, I won’t be there to comfort them. Because if you can’t take my bad? Why should I help them when that day comes? They will feel the sting of grief like I did at two days old. And I will not comfort them, and they will know what their sister felt. That’s not what I wanted. No.

But you can lead someone to the water. But they must be brave enough to drink.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

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