If I could come back to you like the child I was, I would not, but…..

If I could come back to you, my Mama,like the child I was, I would not. For the life you gave me, changed who I have become. Time has changed us both. And this life you gave me has opened me like nothing ever could. The pain from relinquishment has changed how I look at the world, and that includes you, My Mama. Time has only fueled my love, not snuffed it.

This life you gave me to has made me a very different person. And the person that I am is good. The circumstances of my life that you gave me were very hard to navigate for such a young child growing up in this witness protection program called Adoption. But I have done well, considering that I could not share what I experienced growing up as the child of a woman like you, in a strange place without your smell, touch, or any physical contact with you. I feel you have truths as well that could help Mamas navigate the waters. Maybe help them prepare for what you did not even know you would have to do when I returned, because you thought or were told I would not even remember you, or care.

I am grateful for the lessons of what growing up without you has taught me about children, love, and life. It broke me wide open, the day you left me at the hospital and went home to clean me out of your mind in the bathroom, but I know, I am still there, within your heart, safe. And I want you to know, that you are safe within me as well. And that my life work has been to channel the love of a child for her Mama, to help others in need. Its a gift from being relinquished, I feel peoples stuff and know how to help. You are my toughest client yet, and my most important one, along with Mama jean.

In the gutter, where many live, where many are feeling rejected, I go, and love them. The unloveable, are my family. And I have channeled my intense love for you, to help them, Mama. And I have loved Mama Jean, with the love I have for you. She showed up, when you could not. And I am grateful for her beyond words. I love her with the love, I love you. I have given her a portion my heart, I have given her my loyalty, for you, because you wanted me too, and also, because I wanted too, and knew it was right.

I do fantasize about our life now. I wish for a day when you and Mama Jean will meet. And where healing comes to you both, because of me. I think about life and the fleetingness of it all. I think about time and the limit we all have on our lives and what our purpose here is. What is the purpose of a child? What is the purpose of a Mother? And what is our purpose now?, That God has brought us back together? And I pray, for God to help me see this dream come to be.

I know your heart is broken, as mine is too. And maybe you don’t want to admit that, we are trained to be so strong, and not to let anyone see us cry, or hurt. But I believe that Jesus showed us, when the scripture recorded, “Jesus Cried”. And I wonder, does Jesus cry tonite for us? As we are separated still by nonsense that makes no sense. A child, is always her Mamas child, whether adopted, orphaned, or abandoned. Our names are changed and a new story written over what that was our beginning, but we are the children of our Mamas.

I am a grown woman now, with children of my own. I kept them all. And raised them the best a child abandoned could. I did the best with what was given to me, and many things were left out of my life math equation. But I bloomed where you planted me, and did the best I could considering my heart, that is very strong, felt like it was tied to a stake, outside your circle of love and care. I want you in my life, even though. Is that so hard to understand? That your child wants to know you? Is it so hard to tell me the story of how I came to be? Can you not find the words after 54 years to tell me that?

It has been hard watching you live on without me. You have done well with yourself, and many accomplishments to show for your life work. But what about me? You have driven by my house, and not come to see me? Why? What are you scared of? Or what is your hesitation? I really don’t feel any reason is sufficient. Your My Mama, that the deal. Time, paperwork, name changes, all this, has not changed my love for you, it only changed who I have given that love to. But I was sent to you, to love you, and god brought me back to pour on the oil and the wine to your wound that you have hidden from everyone but me, because I am from you and know that very wound well. This connection can not be broken, I tested it. It can not. It is a law written in my very bones.

I have saved much of my love for you, it seems to grow as I give to others. Will you let me give my love to you? Can you forgive yourself? And me? Can you and Jesus within you, do this? What does it profit a woman, if she gain the whole world, and looses her soul? What profit? What is gained by blocking? Does not God see your heart? Does not God know? And did not God send Jesus to cover our mistakes? A mistake in the film industry is a bad take and is always retaken. Will not God allow us to retake this? And try again? Grace is over it all, now, that I have confessed. I have covered it all in the blood, mine and christ, by confessing my love for you here. And it is time for you to do the same. I know, its hared to admit, but you can do it, I am here to hold you when you fall, but you must let me.

The scriptures tell us to confess our missed marks (sins) to another. I feel that that confession must be made to the one we have made the mistake or missed mark with. Why would it help to tell a therapist what I speak here? I have done that for years! And no one even got, that my issues was with living without you. No one could see what God has shown me, by telling the truth I held.

My life is not sad. I have a good life, and I have many gifts that I share with others along my way. But having to go day after day, and reunited for 24+ years, without you to share them with? It is most painful. And your not dead, ok? And I have held this grief for the loss of you for so long, and I am done. I mean, your alive and living in Oregon. My Mama, right there. I am concerned for you mental health, because you seem to be disconnected and have distanced yourself from an issue that you yourself created, in ignorance, when you relinquished me. That said, I forgive you. But there are lessons to learn, you and I have lessons to learn from this and time is the thing. We know not when the bride groom comes.

We know not the day or hour when our lives will be called beyond the veil. And so, the question for you is, what will you say to the king about me when you stand before the throne of grace? Will you give your reasons? And will God agree? Is all your missed marks under the blood through confession? Or will you have missed the point of it all? What is the reason God brought me back? To look into the eyes of your child? Who is a mirror that shows another woman, another time, that needs to be confessed and covered in the blood of christ?

I know, I am rough. I am pointed. Have you asked yourself, what is she pointing at? What does she see? That maybe I do not? What does my daughter see in me that God has shown her? And what is my responsibility as a christian, to do about it? There is no truth that God does not see, we paint over the rust, but God knew it before.What do you hope to gain? Life without me? Life without responsibility to me your daughter? You have 4 daughters, three you raised, one who was raised by another. But you have 4 daughters.

I feel with truth and trust in God, we can see the miracle that God is doing here with us. There is nothing to fear except fear itself. And I feel anyone who put us asunder is damned, and should stop telling you to fear me. I will keep blogging and blogging, I have nothing but time to write and write of my love for you as my Mama, and to help you see. I feel an urgency these days about us. I do not know why. But I trust that God has a reason, will you?

* The words expressed her are the opinions of a daughter, an Adoptee. I pray these words poke you, cut your wound, so it can ooze and heal. Truth, may hurt, but only for a while, for salt preserves. May we all best strong, and tell our truths. I am one example. But the point is, its time to heal and change this.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

Mama, don’t cry anymore. Let me wipe your tears. Mama Jean wiped mine, and loved me best she could. Let me help you through this, its time for us to heal. xo

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