And I say. Your crazy. Like? Yep. Love? Yep. Respect? Hell yeah. She walked silently with me through life. Holding my hand while I swung this way and that trying to gain balance in a life with so many unanswered questions and complication. Adopted life is complicated. And I guess asking questions just became a way of life for me. And I would watch the reactions and learn to read them. People are fascinating.
And Mama Jean has been most fascinating to me. And I have studied her every move. So well that I can anticipate them. She’s gotten used to that. And I have backed off, so my Eldest could help her and learn her more. Because it’s a tradition of mine to care for her. And to take care of things for her. To try to ease her pain of loss from long ago. It’s not as tender, she’s got a callus where her heart was torn out. Don’t be sad. She’s got me.
And even though she and I have this code that calls for honesty. That’s how we trust. And I struggled to tell her as well as Mama my honest truth. I love them both. And did for a minute fear loosing them both. They mean so much to me. How do I tell them I hurt anyway? How do I tell them I forgive. How do I tell them I survived. And How do I tell them I want them to meet? Oh. How do I set it up so it’s smooth? How do I get two Old Best friends to finally meet? It’s so outlandish. What will they say?,”an Orphan can not ask such a thing?”.
And yet that is what my heart says is the next step. Mama Jean earned her blessing for raising me. I feel God would be honored. I am bold and irreverent, But I have a good point. And time is of the essence for these two ladies. I talked to some mean woman on line who talk smack about Bio Mamas like they think they know. And some that don’t get A-Mama in our own ranks. Should not be. My feeling is we have a mission. Seek home. Find Mama. Follow your hearts. And not forget who showed up.
This is what my heart said to do. Throw that old mess up on a blog and let them see and read what this did to you. There is no doubt, my Mama even said it, I need help. And yet no help has come and I’ve known this since birth and could not even tell what it was that I felt. Because if my love for her, I lied by withholding the truth I felt. For fear of loosing her. But Mama Jean stayed and loved me even though at times I hated her. She sowed seeds of love into me. Knowing one day they would bloom.
My Mama needs to bless me and Mama Jean. For her work with me. And her care for me. Are you saying manors has no place in Adoption reunions? I may tell my nasty, But Mama Jean respects that. So. It’s a very complicated thing to come out with the truth you hid from your A Mama. But she’s bonded to me now. That’s the thing. They both have had me. It’s like your bodies at war sometimes trying to make it work and not seeing it work from the two woman that controlled how your life was.
Like they are not working together and wonder why my kids are as they are? And the family? And this is just a stream of consciousness post. So I am surprised I ended up here with this. But oh well. If the shoe fits. Wear it. I mean yeah. Like they have not even met after 24-5 whatever year reunion. Wth. Victoria?!? What’s the delay? Your SCA queen FOR how many years running? And why have you not helped Mama see this needed gesture of good will from our family to hers?
I seriously worry about Mama these days. What ever is she digesting about the world around her? Is she getting out of her comfort zone any? Who has taken her to a concert lately? Angela will. Btw. But like what else besides spending time on you the children she kept, and churchy whatever she’s doing, does the woman do for mental stimulation. Why must I be the one to remind you about Phil? Your father and her husband. I do believe he took her places and showed her things. She needs mental stimulation from all of you beside doing for you. She’s a person. She has needs. Lift her up. Make her feel good too.
What have you done to help her with me except neglect? What gives?
And now your all gone, what do you do to spend quality time with our Mama? I don’t know? Or do I? You don’t tell me? ….Because move over I want some quality time. I think you all have had long enough to squander her on yourselves. And you need a wake up call. She can do what she wants. She doesn’t have to take me up or show up. But I would be lying if I didn’t make a very worthwhile attempt to persuade her to bet on me. I bet on her. Because Mama Jean worked with me. She loves me.
This is how my conversations go. Round and around a subject to go at it on all sides. This is the only place to get anyone to hold still long enough to read and listen. Getting your attention is a job. You all are loud and filled with your own selves. Please Don’t get onto me about being crazy? I don’t need you to do that to me too. But we can learn. It sounds defeated. And yet I know it’s not. I am uniquely yours and Mama Jeans, and God’s always. So how can that be bad?
I am writing to all of you. I can talk to more than one person at a time. All at once. That’s how I am. I want to feel good about who I am. Why can’t you?
I guess I am a circular thinker. I circle a subject and hit every point until folks see what I see. And much of what I have seen has caused me pain that was more pertinent than the good. It left a mark in me. An ImPression that changed how I see things. And I feel it is my blessing to the world. I see what people hide. Because I was hidden and hid. And it also made me feel what folks feel without telling me. I can feel things folks try to hide from view. Like Mama and her pain.
Like when I went to see my Mama, I just heard from my Grama Roush that I gave my Mama a look that made her see her there for a flash. I am telling Mama so she knows it’s gramma. And to prove I see and hear things she used to. We are a very visionary family. All my children have it to some degree or another. I see it. And bless it. They are gifted. Very intuitive. The church has other names for it. I am publicly speaking about it now. I am safe from being locked up.
Psychic abilities are accepted these days. And I am very psychic and blooming in my gift these days as my knowing grows and my connection increases. I am showing you all what Adoption did to me. And I have written about my struggles to hide my love for my Mama because I am so connected to her I know what she would do. And yet she can’t see me doing that to her. Waking her up to who she is as well. And that we should celebrate. Each other. Family. Mama Jean.
Yes. I realize that many will call me Crazy. And if that’s how you feel? Well maybe adoption should be stopped. Cuz I don’t need this kind of shit. If folks can’t accept me. I just can’t change. I was changed. I love my Mamas. And want them to meet. While we have time.