Another tweet.

Wonder if Mama sees? Another pop

Shot at me by someone who does not get it. Meanness. Like wow! This what she said about me? Wow. Brain damage? Great. So loving and helpful. But this is what I have gotten for daring to stand up for the Mother Child bond that is never broken.

My response and a lovely woman’s back to me. deal with it? I am. Exposing it and those who think the know and do lent have a clue.

That’s the thing. People think they know their Adoptees

A tweeted to a lady who has an adoptee from China yesterday. And all I was trying to show her was what she just can’t see. Her child has a Mama and she in China somewhere thinking about her baby. She left her in the streets and that says a lot about China, not the Mother who had to abandon her child, due to China’s rules about daughters born. Still, China is living in the dark ages. And America profits off such ignorance. And that her daughter would appreciate her trying to find her.

All she kept tell me was, their was no way. And I marveled that she found a way to adopt this woman’s child and take advantage of her dismiss and yet can’t see that this child’s Mama is still important to this child. As our Mama are all important to us Adoptees. We want to understand what happened so we can help.

I just wanted to inspire her to keep trying to make a voice for Chinese Adoptees who are now cut off from their roots. And it got mean. Because people don’t understand the side I am trying to show them. The side I myself hid for fear of it happening again. If I could be left once by my own Mama? It could happen again. And I want the world to be a better place. And they made fun of me.

And I am used to this. It’s not the first time I’ve been made fun of for caring about the woman I came from who gave me away. And I want to know what happened to make her do such a thing. I want the real answer in its complete story told by her. I may not succeed. But I try so that it sets a stage. So that it’s down in history that I made a mark to show an adoptee remembers. And goes home.

This woman is walking on a ledge to let people talk smack about her Mama. She put herself at risk of loosing when she is grown and has seen what or what not was done by her and for this child to bridge the gap so she can go home and find her Mama. It will be tough for her without help from the woman that adopted her and claims to love her so much.

And as I took the heat for daring to speak the side of the adopted, I saw the colors of these people. As I told them my truth they blocked me. So I know I got in by telling them Adoptees don’t tell adoptive parents their secret love is still loved. Inside where it’s safe and no one cane take her. People that adopt just can’t seem to see that children have history that they adopt. And that that history does matter.

All I got from them was, what can we do? Watch this video. See how bad that Mamas was. You don’t know China. We can do nothing except take what was theirs and run. And leave a child’s Mama down. That’s what I see. We let ourselves down thinking it makes it better.

The question is: Then why do we search? Why do we go home?

For me? To get the real story so the lies can go away and stop haunting me. That’s reasonable to ask. And yet so hard to get.

And I want people to look at our struggle for answers that are real. They just made fun of me. And that’s ok. They will see when it’s all said and done. And if she doesn’t heed my words. She will see her child go. Back home. And she will know. She chose to do nothing to help the girl she says she loves so much.

Thanks for diving deep

God bless.

People think I don’t like Mama Jean

And I say. Your crazy. Like? Yep. Love? Yep. Respect? Hell yeah. She walked silently with me through life. Holding my hand while I swung this way and that trying to gain balance in a life with so many unanswered questions and complication. Adopted life is complicated. And I guess asking questions just became a way of life for me. And I would watch the reactions and learn to read them. People are fascinating.

And Mama Jean has been most fascinating to me. And I have studied her every move. So well that I can anticipate them. She’s gotten used to that. And I have backed off, so my Eldest could help her and learn her more. Because it’s a tradition of mine to care for her. And to take care of things for her. To try to ease her pain of loss from long ago. It’s not as tender, she’s got a callus where her heart was torn out. Don’t be sad. She’s got me.

And even though she and I have this code that calls for honesty. That’s how we trust. And I struggled to tell her as well as Mama my honest truth. I love them both. And did for a minute fear loosing them both. They mean so much to me. How do I tell them I hurt anyway? How do I tell them I forgive. How do I tell them I survived. And How do I tell them I want them to meet? Oh. How do I set it up so it’s smooth? How do I get two Old Best friends to finally meet? It’s so outlandish. What will they say?,”an Orphan can not ask such a thing?”.

And yet that is what my heart says is the next step. Mama Jean earned her blessing for raising me. I feel God would be honored. I am bold and irreverent, But I have a good point. And time is of the essence for these two ladies. I talked to some mean woman on line who talk smack about Bio Mamas like they think they know. And some that don’t get A-Mama in our own ranks. Should not be. My feeling is we have a mission. Seek home. Find Mama. Follow your hearts. And not forget who showed up.

This is what my heart said to do. Throw that old mess up on a blog and let them see and read what this did to you. There is no doubt, my Mama even said it, I need help. And yet no help has come and I’ve known this since birth and could not even tell what it was that I felt. Because if my love for her, I lied by withholding the truth I felt. For fear of loosing her. But Mama Jean stayed and loved me even though at times I hated her. She sowed seeds of love into me. Knowing one day they would bloom.

My Mama needs to bless me and Mama Jean. For her work with me. And her care for me. Are you saying manors has no place in Adoption reunions? I may tell my nasty, But Mama Jean respects that. So. It’s a very complicated thing to come out with the truth you hid from your A Mama. But she’s bonded to me now. That’s the thing. They both have had me. It’s like your bodies at war sometimes trying to make it work and not seeing it work from the two woman that controlled how your life was.

Like they are not working together and wonder why my kids are as they are? And the family? And this is just a stream of consciousness post. So I am surprised I ended up here with this. But oh well. If the shoe fits. Wear it. I mean yeah. Like they have not even met after 24-5 whatever year reunion. Wth. Victoria?!? What’s the delay? Your SCA queen FOR how many years running? And why have you not helped Mama see this needed gesture of good will from our family to hers?

I seriously worry about Mama these days. What ever is she digesting about the world around her? Is she getting out of her comfort zone any? Who has taken her to a concert lately? Angela will. Btw. But like what else besides spending time on you the children she kept, and churchy whatever she’s doing, does the woman do for mental stimulation. Why must I be the one to remind you about Phil? Your father and her husband. I do believe he took her places and showed her things. She needs mental stimulation from all of you beside doing for you. She’s a person. She has needs. Lift her up. Make her feel good too.

What have you done to help her with me except neglect? What gives?

And now your all gone, what do you do to spend quality time with our Mama? I don’t know? Or do I? You don’t tell me? ….Because move over I want some quality time. I think you all have had long enough to squander her on yourselves. And you need a wake up call. She can do what she wants. She doesn’t have to take me up or show up. But I would be lying if I didn’t make a very worthwhile attempt to persuade her to bet on me. I bet on her. Because Mama Jean worked with me. She loves me.

This is how my conversations go. Round and around a subject to go at it on all sides. This is the only place to get anyone to hold still long enough to read and listen. Getting your attention is a job. You all are loud and filled with your own selves. Please Don’t get onto me about being crazy? I don’t need you to do that to me too. But we can learn. It sounds defeated. And yet I know it’s not. I am uniquely yours and Mama Jeans, and God’s always. So how can that be bad?

I am writing to all of you. I can talk to more than one person at a time. All at once. That’s how I am. I want to feel good about who I am. Why can’t you?

I guess I am a circular thinker. I circle a subject and hit every point until folks see what I see. And much of what I have seen has caused me pain that was more pertinent than the good. It left a mark in me. An ImPression that changed how I see things. And I feel it is my blessing to the world. I see what people hide. Because I was hidden and hid. And it also made me feel what folks feel without telling me. I can feel things folks try to hide from view. Like Mama and her pain.

Like when I went to see my Mama, I just heard from my Grama Roush that I gave my Mama a look that made her see her there for a flash. I am telling Mama so she knows it’s gramma. And to prove I see and hear things she used to. We are a very visionary family. All my children have it to some degree or another. I see it. And bless it. They are gifted. Very intuitive. The church has other names for it. I am publicly speaking about it now. I am safe from being locked up.

Psychic abilities are accepted these days. And I am very psychic and blooming in my gift these days as my knowing grows and my connection increases. I am showing you all what Adoption did to me. And I have written about my struggles to hide my love for my Mama because I am so connected to her I know what she would do. And yet she can’t see me doing that to her. Waking her up to who she is as well. And that we should celebrate. Each other. Family. Mama Jean.

Yes. I realize that many will call me Crazy. And if that’s how you feel? Well maybe adoption should be stopped. Cuz I don’t need this kind of shit. If folks can’t accept me. I just can’t change. I was changed. I love my Mamas. And want them to meet. While we have time.

Thanks.

Just because you can dance

Just because you can dance does not mean all can dance with you. Each person does dance to there own beat. And you have to really get to know a person to know the beat they dance to, so, you can join them. Being adopted is like dancing. Adoptees come from families that dance to their own beat, the beat we are born from.

And it takes time for us all to be able to move in the beat that we each have and learn each other’s beat and join as a throng and throb of movement. Adoptees come in as fools filled with a beat that throbs like a haunting call. I think it’s the hero’s journey. As we stumble from not learning the beat of our new families, we bang and bump into the others genetic beat and we grow and learn about other people. I feel that we fail when we cut of ltd the beat that showed up and abandon them as we were and dance on without them and there beat that was our salvation at one time and our provision to live. We fail if we don’t recognize this humanity.

Our adoptive families have lost as well. And they dared to love another’s child as their own, pet adoption rules. And many find that they loose again when we are grown. That is the shame on Adoptees. It is a shame we need to clear up aka do better by those who were not prepared for us and did not know what they really did when they chose to play with our lives without fill knowledge of what really they have done

Adoption is one sided and not on our side. It’s like a blindsided goblin and leads us all array if we don’t realize the child takes the big hit. The parents that adopt in ignorance of this very fact, stumble along in the adorned left from relinquishment wake. And it makes it hard on us. The ones they came to love and care for.

And we learn their dance. Love would lead us to teach them ours. It goes a lot Smoother if we all know each other’s dance.

My Mama can’t see her in me, and yet I see her there.

Yesterday was a great example. Mama Jean wanted to go home. She came to stay because I wanted her here while she got better. It’s no fun to be sick and alone. And she helped me a lot growing up when I was sick and took off work to care for me herself. So. It’s only right and fair to return the favor. We are friends.

But we were all out back having a beer after we had gone to the store. And I had hoped she would stay the night. Angela was here with her friend and it seemed like we were all having a good visit. And Mama Jean just decides she wants to go home before dinner. Ugh. Why? We were just having fun?

And We all had not had dinner. Which meant Angela would have to take her and not eat either util she got back. And that upset me. And who comes bubbling up? My inner Mama. Who told her that it’s was kind of selfish to just demand that my disabled Veteran take her home like that. And I just don’t know what going on? Why couldn’t she stay and Visit? And I can feel when my inner Linda Marie is coming. Because it’s clear as a bell what needs to be said and how it should be. Where did I get that?

I’ve asked myself that question for years. When Mama Jean doesn’t appreciate me or acts mean, Linda comes to set her straight. It’s quite disturbing. And yet I feel that is what happens to us. It’s like the inner Mama just resurrects herself within to protect us. And that is survival, not illness. Illness is to just take it and not correct. I mean if Adoption is for our best? Shouldn’t we want the best adoption can give us?

Mama Jean started to walk off. And I went to her and hugged her. She’s just seems to Not get it. I imagine it’s our genetic differences getting in the way. And that’s forgiveness and grace. Love anyway. Show up. Keep trying. It is confusing for she and I. But we keep going. And forge love anyway, over misunderstanding and confusion as to what Adoption has really meant to us.

And I see as she adjusts to my now known truth. And I see us all adjust as a machine is adjusted to work as it always has, just openly and known. We are like an outpost of the family where I have lived in exile with her. My Mama exiled me from the family. And Mama Jean has raised me as her own. But God owns me and I chose to love them both. I serve (God by loving both of my Mama and trying to understand them and learn from them is difficult with Adoptions rules that limited my access to my genetics. And from me being able to express how I truly feel about them both.

This blog shows the raw unedited emotions as they come back up and slap you in the face like they did me. This body said, “no more stuffing, it’s time to deal with these things you stuffed.” And when the body does this? The mind has no say so. It’s about survival and the body knows what to do to make it better and clear your way. And that’s all I did. Was follow my body’s intuitive gps, lead me out and give me no choice But to let all the demons out. Demons don’t live long in the light of day.

And evidently by Mamas reactions? We had some demons we shared. So. Like a good girl. I cleaned her clock too. So it would tick better. Like ok Mama. You can’t say it? Lord? Give it to me. I’ll get it out. I really had no conscious idea all my truth would hit her like a ton of bricks and send her reeling. But. That’s how we felt back then. I see it now. But there were so many demons, like flies. This has been my green mile moment. She John throws up those bugs after healing someone. Yeah. Like that.

Cus like the lady John helped said. I saw Mama in a dream.

Melinda Moores: I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark.

And I found Mama in a dark place inside me. And many said this and that. But I grew up and showed them all who Mama was to me and lead us both out of the darkness. Wanderers no more. We walk in the light of day. And the world is a better place for it. Because one sheep found the other in Gods flock. So there is hope.

Yes. There is hope.

Thanks for diving deep with me.

I texted Mama Jean later and told her I loved her and reminded her how I feel when she leaves me. And she said she felt the same when I leave. Mama needs to see how overcoming goes. Weeds grow right over shit and take over. And I am a weed from her own garden.

God bless.

Like yes. And all know who.

That’s why blogging this that I have held is so difficult. It takes a great amount of strength to go here again. And that’s why I place it all here. So I don’t have to go here again. This is what letting go looks like for me. And I have shared my process with you so you can do it too. And find your own way to let go too.

What I have gone through is not exactly the same as you. True. But I am sharing mine to show you that you can get there. What ever way helps you to get it out and move into another space, and energy that is more in line with who you have become because of all you went through. I am still here. After all this gut wrenching emotions have found flight and have been validated by expressing them.

I see the horizon. And I see past the smoke of my own burning has subsided. I self validate my struggles and learn their value towards my own evolution of mind, body and soul. And I am grateful. I made it back to Mamas door. Strong. And beautiful. And knowing who I came from and who I was raised by. And that I am blessed.

Thanks for diving deep with me

God bless.