I wonder if my Mama has gotten it yet? I wonder if she understand that I saw right through the lies? And realized at a young age that she was alive and out there thinking I was a mistake all along? And maybe right now she’s looking right at it and can’t see that.
I wonder what in the hell she thought a child born from her would act like being adopted and raised by a stranger? I am just not sure what she was thinking at all? I played the game she wanted me too and still do. And I have learned to love people I otherwise would not have known, and to call them my parents.
I wonder did she think I was just a blog inside her and did not feel, hear, it all while inside my Mama? That’s just amazing to observe! Like she had no idea. No consciousness further that her own mind. Not that she was dumb. No. Just not exposed to the other side of the coin of being abandoned and what that really feels like.
I watch the same pattern in my own children go on and on. I see it and try to tell them. But they tell me I am speaking psycho babble and dismiss me. Oh being adopted is so much fun at times. Especially when you have to clean up what the world said about you, what you Mama said about you and what they all think they know and do not. At all.
It’s hard to explain is what Adoptees say. As you read what I write? You can see what I mean when I try to explain this many sided thing.
I wonder when my Mama will just talk to me again? Will she stay held up in her Fort Knox forever? Hiding from her own daughter?
And I wonder why? Why would a Mama be sacred of her daughters truth? I wonder.