My Mama doesn’t even get this. She thought I was a mistake and god tied her to that mistake and brought me around for another look, but all she’s seen is a mistake again and again. And my sister are the same. Mistake my ass.
The things people tell themselves and say it is truth. I mean really! I am just amazed how my family holds onto the old. I am amazed that my words could make them run for cover? But you can’t hide forever. Especially now that everyone knows their names. People think they can hide from God. Kind of funny.
My family thinks I am the devil and I know the truth while they live in the dark. I was an invisible member of this family, but no more. I am visible now. And all can see who I came from. Well? Guess that God wanted me to see something too, who and where I came from and how it really is.
I was fed the story that my Mama gave me away because she loved me. That does not seem to be true. My Mama has not confessed her actions to me and now? Those actions are being known and seen by her girl. She under estimated the power of the person that God made in her. She underestimated the power of God who took me under his/her wing after my Mama abandoned me.
The way I see it is, if she sees a demon when she look at me, the reflection is her own and the demon is in her. Because all I see when I look at her is my Mama, so confused and turned around by her own lies she told herself about me. A woman feeding on lies is not healthy. And unlike her, I care anyway. I don’t have to like it. But I do have to love her enough to tell her. So she can have an opportunity to confess it and then watch it dissipate. My sisters don’t know how to do that. I do. For that what I have just done. I’ve confessed my feelings, and emotions and thoughts from54 years of living. I’ve carried the pain of our partying this long, waiting for her to just show up.
She will have to stand before the king and give an account of all that was not covered in Jesus’s blood. I want her to have it all cover in his blood. That’s what a good Christian does. They help you. See what you may have missed. And that’s what a good daughter does. She shows her Mama, how to confess it. And keep standing out in the street of the world waiting for her to finally show up.
It’s is no fun growing up when you know that your Mama thinks your a mistake, and a stranger could care less about it and loves you anyway. Mama doesn’t understand me because a stranger took her place and she never got to see her blessing grow up. But Mama Jean did. She watched and marveled that she could let me go at all.
My Mamas act of relinquishment was for herself, not me. She gave me away because she would have killed me. That’s just fear of what God would do if she did. She passed the buck. But Mama? The buck stops here.