You think you’re going to die from the pain

Growing up adopted meant to me that we all lost. And for me the child in the middle of this kettle of fish, it was most rigorous a climb to the place of the mixing of the twos I now was a part of. All mixed up. All over the place. And all or nothing is what I say. We all matter here in this.

My Mamas matter and my sisters and brothers matter. Each one of us has our gifts and our places within the framework we call family. And I am no different than any other child that has stayed with their family or had to leave or was left. We all love our families as much as they will let us show, but the well goes deep for me. There seems to be no end and no bottom to the love I have for my Mamas. Each of them special. And both crazy. And mavericks of their day.

I have taken what the world gave them to give me and now give you my take on it. And that’s evolution. Closure is completion. Completion is the final. When we come together and take stock of what was, what is, and finally can see what is to come with fresh new perspectives because we weathered the storm of truths arrow into a heart filled with lies that now have been exposed to light so it could heal.

My Mama did not know she gave birth to a preacher. My scream should have been the first clue. Me finding her? The last.

I thought many times in my life when I had achieved something, I would die because I could not really share my moment with my Mama. It was bittersweet for me in those times when Mamas your cheerleader. And that is not to say Mama Jean did not celebrate them. But, that’s how I saw it and felt. And no amount of distractions or redirection could silence that truth within me. To this day, I want my Mama still.

Like a fresh born child, I still want and need her still. And it’s not like I can’t go on. I could. Many have, just left it alone and gone on. I am not one of those people you see. I just am not. And I am not the kind to cling to one and deny the other either. I want and need them both differently and for different reasons.

The feeling still comes over me and has become very strong as of late. It’s intense and Mama thinks I need help and I try to tell her that she’s the help I need and she pushes me away. Not even realizing what she’s doing to us both.

But god is with us both. So God will take this and work it out. I do have faith. And faith helps me when I feel like I am going to die.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

God bless.

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