What I really fear…

As I blog and release the emotions, words, ideas, and trauma of being relinquished when my voice was good for nothing except to cry for milk, I am scared. At times I think I will just self combust these days as I face the expressions and reactions shared by fellow Adoptees, my Mama, and the public at large in regards my truth. It’s a rough ride to come clean about something that is so charged with deceptive energies that cause a refractory effect and make it so hard for the adoptee to navigate and pick out the lie, and hold to the truth. This is so from relinquishment to adulthood and on.

We get bounced around by every belief in town and no one even see that we, know the truth that they dance around. We live it each day. And we experiences this ping pong affect first hand as we grow up with lies and fairytales as our foundation. But we know. It’s all not really the truth completely. Because their are many chapters that are missing very key characters in them and we read scripts that have been scribbled over by this person and that’s as they rewrite their own narrative over what was.

And those narratives are what we are feed. I bet every adopted child around has digestive issues, because we’ve been fed bullshit and our tummies ache from it all. We need to take a pole. I’ll try to post one and maybe we can get adoptees to give their feed back. But it makes sense. We’ve swallowed a lot of bullshit for sure. And many may get the truth? But I really doubt it. Adoptive parents don’t usually have a spread sheet of facts to fill their little bundle of joy up with about their parents, that is just dropped like a hot potato because it overshadows the dreams that the adoptive parents are trying to manifest with you.

What I really fear is to not obey my heart and God(source energy), and Mama wants me to disobey that and I simpletruths can not lie to save face and maintain this status quo. I simply must tell my truth about it and the devil be damned! Mamas gonna see. I’ve made my mind up. And when she does?!! Oh hell! Hath no fury like my Mama. That’s what Ive told people that have teased me and said mean and nasty things about my Mama. I’ve got faith in that as the day is long. Mama, is just jacked to hell right now and I am pounding that frozen heart of hers with the force of Jesus to make it beat for me again, like a Mamas heart should.

I fear not hearing God right. I fear I have gone down the wrong at times. Especially since Mamas not coming to me. And only see anger in me. I fear not telling her my truth over keepin it in. I mean when I moved back to California, I knew God wanted me to look for her. That does not mean that I was all excited about that prospect. Especially since I know she really wasn’t happy and overjoyed about being preggo with me. And going back was scary. But God made me face that fear.

And what I feared was what I saw. She had not really changed in the sense of how she saw me. Not that she did not try to override that urge, it was just where she was stuck. And I was struck there with her.

So I prayed for answered as to what to do. And god answered slowly. So as to not overwhelm me. And this is where those prayers lead me. I was lead to blog my story. I was lead to open my shame cave, the one I shared with my Mama. And Mama was horrified when I began to narrate the decor and emotion within this cave of our minds that she and I shared.

I fear not sharing this most connected and psychic phenomenon with you. Because it needs to be acknowledged. The psychic bond between a child and its Mother is a strong bond and is not fully broken after relinquishment as folks have said. And when my Mama see what I am saying and all the memories come up for her? She will verify what I have said. I do take a risk to tell this. Yes.

As I see it? I’ve lost her already. To gain her back? I must make my argument well to make her see. That takes time and writing and telling again and again and showing all the layers and complexities that such a young mind went through to show the fortitude that I have traveled to overcome. To win her back and silence the lies that have separated us.

I fear, not speaking. I fear not giving her every chance to realize this. Because she gave me a chance. And I owe her that. To be silent is to miss the mark I came her to hit. For my Mama. And Ive just begun punching lights out and taking names later. This shits got to stop!!

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