The link above is, a Good read. I think I did really good. I did not hit crisis mode until my 50’s. My Mama should be proud. I feel crisis now like no other and I know. It’s because I held it so long that now I can’t hold it back and don’t want to anymore
My Mamas were adults when I was adopted. I was not. So I came in with what Mama Jean told me, which was not much. So I lived with huge gaps in my history and story. Gaps my Mama must fill in for me.
I mean if I was created from a rape, or abuse, I should know. Like that’s my business. I came like that, if that is the case. And if she can’t face me? Because she still all messed up about how I came? Well? She need help. That would mean she’s held a trauma for years?
I am not a monster for sure. But I am a bit Perturbed by my Mamas lack of decorum and inability to explain her actions back then to the child who’s life was affected by those actions.
These are simple requests. Unless she’s. Not telling the whole story. Which looks like the case.
And in that case? It looks like I will go on without my history and family tree, including my sisters and nieces and nephews and Mama. And that’s just to much for me to take. I mean it’s so messed up. I was raised by a stranger who loved me more than my own Mama? Wow! That’s harsh. And the. I don’t even get an explanation that’s more than five words?
Adoption sucks. These days I do wish she would have just killed me. I mean it’s so messed up. And I just want some peace about it and all I get is blocked and police called on me? My adopted family never did that to me. Even now Mama Jean stays close and loves me anyway.
And my Moms a Christian? Where is Christ now? In her heart that hates me? These are the questions that swirl around in this baby’s girl’s head? Baby girl my ass. She called and quoted scriptures at me like I was a Demon!
And she defiantly doesn’t even get what I am trying to say? Like where is god’s grace right now for us? Where? Mama? Where? Is the god of you and me? Now? Where is my daughter? Where are my sisters? No sisters for the demon seed I guess?
They think I am just messin. I am just getting started. My voice will keep hitting the air. Until we change it for the adopted and conceived in trauma. This blog is my therapist. And this that I speak is for me. To heal.
And my family can just deal. There names will be linked to me. And all will know how I felt about it. There choice?, is their choice. I don’t have to agree. Nor do I have to be silent about it. People need to see what we the children of woman who are not able to see their children as blessing, hurt because of that.
And I feel God hurts for me. I am so thankful for Jesus and his blood and grace that covers even me.
I felt like this woman said. I did. It know why? I hurt all the time and was depressed. Now I do. My Mama hated me and wanted me dead and gone.
Thanks for diving deep with me and witnessing my struggle as I let it go and move the hell on. With or without her. 54 years is a long time. God never gives up on us. Lord? I am trying. Send the hokey spirit to me. So I don’t hate her back. Amen.