Being unwanted by your Mama is probably one of the most horrible feelings. Especially when your so young and there is nothing you can do about it, and no one can see what your pain is about.
Yes. I know. My Adopted family wanted me. But what folks don’t see is my internal process. Because no one gets what I get. Because the people who (helped me) were not separated from their Mamas and had no idea what they even did to me. On a instinctual level they knew. But no one wants to admit that your baby’s may not have wanted to be adopted. And did not bond and forget her Mama and where she came from.
To see me, and then my Mama, you get it. I am like her for a reason, but am a bit different because she did not raise me. And it makes me strange. I have lived with being strange my whole life. But I would not change being strange. I did not act like my adopted family, they got used to me. And my Mama. It’s not fun staying true when folks want you to forget your roots!!
My roots that were cut, grew back. I forced my roots to grow within me so I would be like my Mama. So no one could deny it. I am so much like her? Sometimes I speak? And it’s like she’s with me. So trippy. I did not realize it until I meet the one I mimic. How I talk to my pets? Lol. Just like her. The bleach bottle under the sink. The gadgets galore. She’s strong minded. Me too.
Mama didn’t see that one coming. She did not even imagine that her baby would patch onto her every essence and run with it. Mama Jeans there now, I can see that. And Mama sees her too. Evidently the combo is a bit scary to Mama. But that’s another reason why I blog. They each need to know that they are within me and we don’t need to do this polar dance anymore. Where one is viable and the other is not.
I look messed up to those who compare me to one side or the other. That’s where they ere. Both Mamas contributed to the whole of me. And they must stand proud of their accomplishments. To be ashamed is to say they were wrong. And if how I turned out is not to their liking? Then we need to work and change this world. So other kids don’t have to go through this. That’s how I see it.