But it is interesting how folks are sick of me talking about my Mama and yet they have done nothing to help me, family included. It just floors me. But also shows me what’s missing here in our adoption triad, left out information.
Adoptions missing our narrative. My Mama blocked me in her mind, but is unable to block me from her heart. And all that her mind told her was true is now laying all around her. She’s exposed. And her mind doesn’t have a narrative to guide her through this very disruptive time In Our relationship. Because we are still connected. But the connection is torn. We’ve been like this for years. Mamas just used to it. And was prepared to take it to the grave for me.
Narrative is what Mama needs to drive the demons and thoughts that don’t understand what I mean because she told herself another story and need to real one to wake up to what she feels about it. Her mind say one thing. Her heart says another. She’s sees anger in me and not herself as well. It’s a total projection. It hurt like shit, what she did so long ago. But she can’t take it back, I have too.
I have to tear down the wall she build around herself thinking she protected me. And I can see right through the wall. Just With the eyes of my heart that is connected to hers. She needs us all to gather around her for prayer. Right now. She need birth mothers to pray for her strength, to do what many do not. So she and I can come full circle and clear this slate and start again with the knowledge we both now have from hard communication work and telling our truths, so we can forge a new truth.
That’s the Christian walk. We grow or we stagnate. We face it and lay it down. Confess it to each other, forgive and understand it so all learn where not to go and why. Mama said in her message of closure to me, “it was the best choice at the time”, I feel Adoptees can change the options of babies all over the planet, if we confess what we went through. If we tell our stories to make Mamas see what they do when they do this. It hard growing up adopted, the stain remains. Adoption is not the Tide or Oxyclean of the a stain that is not a stain. Children are gifts. We need to respect that. And honor that. And not kill it, or remove them from their Mamas.
My Mama can’t figure out why she goes bonkers when I come around. But I know why. Mama thinks it’s me, but that is only partly true. It’s what’s she thinking that makes her upset and it’s what I present and represent that upsets her mental balance. My truth makes her truth obsolete. And just my presents brings up all she’s stuffed. It’s rattling her cage she put me in. And wants out. But she’s holding it in. But her mind has been served notice.
I dismantle it all with my truth. Thought by thought, lie by lie. She will see how much I love her when this clean up is through. She will. But that’s Adoption for ya. Misinformed and missing out. Adoption is back in the dark ages. They don’t have the whole story, ours is missing. We, must give the testimony of our lives and experiences to bring a more balance view of adoption as a whole.
- These thoughts and ideas have held my Mama captive for long enough. I am breaking her out of this mental prison that makes no sense, with the light of my truth. That shows, the love and courage of a child not wanted and yet loved to run every thought that is not grounded in the truth. I am a gift. She’s is a gift to me.
- We got separated at my birth. But I never forget the woman I came from. And God has a sense of humor. To make me so much like her from days gone by. I am like a walking time capsule of the woman she trapped in the cage with me and labeled unfit to express yourself. God loves every part of her. Because god loves me.
Isn’t it funny? Not. That I am 54 years old and still, people won’t help me get what I lost back while my Mama still
Lives? And to think, they all say they love me? Strange world.