Now by now it should be sinking in that Mama just ain’t gonna lay down and just let my family dismiss me. Lordy Jesus girl. You must think your Mamas some kind of mess to even think that. I hear your silence. And now you hear my heart.
Mama love you. And this is our life baby girl. My Mama chose this life for us. And it’s been hard on YOUR mama, to live so long without her Mama. And that takes nothing away from Nana. It only reveals my deeper truth. The truth of a daughter and her Mama.
So walking away, shutting up, being a good girl and keeping my mouth shut, to keep a status quo that I can clearly see has affected us all. My family, all of them, nana included, my Mama added her to our family tree the day she relinquished me, are important to me.
I agree with you. We should be able to sit and talk, and sip tea, like we all did when you were young. I planted that seed in you. By taking time I could never get back and spending it with my children, because I wanted you to have as much good memories as I could create with you to draw on when my time to go came.
I only had nine months with my Mama. And I wanted more, more that Grama fails to see, and is not giving to her own daughter. I am flesh of her flesh and bone of her bone. There is no evil in me. The evil was when my Mama let me go and buried me alive within her heart. I was bound to rise again for I am not dead.
And Gramma was pretty turned around back then. A fired up woman. With passions and desires. Within her were demons she didn’t not see coming out. The pressure was great. She, has struggled with her decision for years. Even as I did for our bond is strong and is a testament to god power to reunite what man separates.
My love for my Mama, is strong and taste of hate at times. Not for each other, but for the time lost and the changes to who we are today. It appears we hate. But we love most deeply. To the very bone. That woman is my Mama. And I will not back down off my duties as her child to report to her about my life so she can understand her girl.
I truly fail to see why folks don’t see me as her child and that I possess all of the desires and natural needs a child would have except that I have waited for 54 years for a full circle with the woman I came from.
To day I listened to my Mamas message about closure again. And the words coming out of her mouth are not the words of the woman who carried me. They are from the woman she became after relinquishing her gift and choosing to see that as ___________ fill in the blank. She filled with poison. She’s not evil. But she’s been poisoned and is bitter. And I darling know why. Yep.
I know the frame of that woman. And the heart within that beats so strong. She’s not fooling me. And she knows it. Check mate and she’s just procrastinating, a favorite pastime of hers on things like this. And as she gazes at me in horror, she faces herself and must accept that I am a part of her. Like, I totally am her from the sixties. And she does not want anyone to see that.
And I am like, “why?” Some of that part of her is the best. She was amazing back then. She sang like crazy with passion and full on. That’s why my Daddy liked her. I am proud to be from them. I know many people have interpreted my blogging as a big negative. But you need the negative to show the positive. Like art. Black makes white pop.
Honey, you know me. Please. Don’t let your wound go so long like this. Look at gramma and me. With our wounds. Surely you see that. Grammas just scared. Of me rejecting her, for karma getting her back. And I am saying by airing it out. Despite all this. I love her and give my life for her. I have lived the life she wished for me. It is not easy to do. But I did it.
And god made a way where there was no way, to find her. For a good reason. All this? Is just old trash that Mama needed help letting out, to clean away. A fresh slate only goes to those who do not hold onto the trash shared. I have thrown it out into the worldwide street. Do not pick it up? Leave it. That’s the old way.
Communication is key. For this family to update. It would be best to come together. And with proper communication, which to me is, just speaking freely. No restrictions except physical Contact of a Angry nature. This subject is heavily charged. I know you see that.
Honey. You were born from me. So that means you were sent to me and you chose me. So this is our life together. What will you tell your children? Or friends when I am gone about me is up to you. But my Mamas live. And I want to clear things up now while there is time for us. Can you see it in that beautiful heart if yours to work on us? I have always been willing. Lead me.
Honey. I love you. And I know it’s hard being the child of a child relinquished. But you rock at it. And I miss you so much.
Ps. I love you more.