When I went up to see my Mama this years she told me that I looked Angry. Hmmm? I thought, “Angry? That seems more like her energy than mine?” I mean angry people don’t drive hours to spears time with the one they hate. I mean seriously.
And that when I saw it. She was seeing me differently. And how she saw me was not who I was at all, but was connected to my past and how I came to be. I was perplexed at first as you can imagine. After telling Mama the truth she seemed to recoil and began blocking herself off from me?
Everyone says that Mamas give their babies away because they love them. Right? So, I wondered,” what’s wrong with my Mama?”, ” she doesn’t act like she’s glad I’m back, and why did God want me to go back to this?”
My Mama attached the experience to me. She views me through a different lens. And the content of her story is steaming from our past, a past we both thought was long gone. Our past links us, and what I see is if we do not purge our old past together, it will be that past that keeps us this way.
My Mama did not see me as a bundle of joy, she saw me as a constant reminder of a past she wanted to forget, forever. But that’s not how God works. And if we have unconfessed missed marks, as Christian’s we are called to confess them. My Mama has confessions to tell me, if she wishes for this pattern to be broken in our family line and in our lives.
People tell me to leave the mess. That it’s on my Mama. By what folks don’t see. And what I see, is that she’s who I came from. And I can’t leave her ignorant to her own actions. Nor will I allow her to go down like that. My Mama trained d my sisters what she knew. Mama had know idea what I went through. Or so she thought. Until I came back, relinquishing me had tied herself up inside and my return would prove to be her undoing.
But undoing things is not so bad. It just takes patiences and truth to help her ground into our new truth. I was Mamas secret love child, or hate, as she chose to see me. Either way. I was a secret that she told not even my sisters. Wow.
When Mama said I looked Angry, I took it to heart. And searched within me for the hate my Mama seemed to see in my eyes. It was confusing, because, I am angry at many things and due to separation from her and reuniting, I’ve become inpatients about it. Because I really care for her. And Ive done my home work. Which was to forgive her. But forgetting is another things. And that my Mama sees anger in my eyes told me she was angry. She was frustrated too.
I was picking up on her is what accrued to me. I am in tune. And she sees herself in me. I am a piece of herself she broke up with long ago. And she’s kind of shocked that I am so much like her. She’s kind of riveted, like staring at a ghost from days gone by. With clear accuracy, I stand, looking much like my father, and yet her voice comes out. It freaks me out too. So cool though.
Mamas got a lot of emotions she’s not telling about. I had to go and get into her space, so that my body could feel it and I could help her. She is scared for sure. And worried about death a lot. She’s thinking about me as much as I am about her. And she very turned around and quite triggered by the past. She’s terribly grief stricken about Phil. But she does not let it show.
But what I have been feeling as of late is like an alarm that I must answer. And that my Mama is so turned around that she struggles to understand me and keeps hitting our snooze button. And she fears. And that is not what I desire for her to feel. God doesn’t not want her to fear. And yet. Fear is here.
My question is why? Why does my Mama fear and why does she see anger in me? What is the filter that she is looking through at me? Through love? Or fear? And why fear?
A lake gets fresh water each day. My Mama and I are like a stagnant pond. I share my truth to jar her truth loose, so she can at last speak about it. And so she can heal and move on. Someone told her she was fine. My sisters don’t know any different and can not see what I see at all. But I the child who’s been gone a long time can see, what they who have been right under her nose can not.
Mama, call me. I’m home and want to see you. It will be good. Just give me your faith. Test God and see. Will not God bless you? Ive come far to find you. I would never hurt you. Your are already hurt. I came to make it better. For us both. No regrets. Nothing left unsaid.
I am your champion. Some idiot told you a lie!!