When a relationship ends we are left with the energies that were at the time of separation. My Mama and I shared some pretty intense energies while together. It was a wild ride. I was preconditioned, and exposed to a whole mother world. My Mamas world at the time.
When our relationship ended I was to young to say my good byes. My Mama knew words that I could not understand consciously at the time, but could feel the full weight of their meaning and it was not good. It scared me. I was anxious, just like she about this new world she would send me too? Would they send me away as well? Was a very real threat for most of my life and it drove me to make sure that did not happen.
My New Mama had a need, and I had a need as well. My Mama was gone. She did not like me
Much. I made her sad and ruined her life. She wanted God to kill me. Down deep, where I lived. She has been hoping, and praying for a crop failure with the truth she left me with so long ago.
And she got it all wrong back then about me. I guess the universe played a cruel trick on her to let her just go on thinking it was over. That I would have nothing to say about it and would not even remember. But she is most definitely mistaken. I have felt the same energy from her. And my body remembered, which jogged the memories loose. And she’s scared. That I might do the same.
Funny how people tell on themselves. Even the best liars tell on themselves. I am different for what she did to me. She showed me what I was Capable of. And I never forgot that fact. And I never wanted my kids to feel like that. Ever. And being adopted makes you different. And it makes your children different adults. I feel they are better. But it’s rough on them as well. I’ve seen it with my own kids.
My Mama and I ended with her thinking I was a mistake. And that was not true. It was only the way she chose to see it. She chose to see me like that. I was always, just her child.
Thanks. For coming by and reading my words.