As I close the door

As I close the door on the room inside me that I crammed so much into, I feel a sense of calm. As I realize to the fullest extent why I was adopted, I see. Some babies just do not get safety and loving arms from their Mamas.

Many, like me, get a stranger to raise them. Not all Mamas want their kids. Many have sex and don’t even consider the child. They just kills us, or give us away. And that kind of makes me see how hard it is for woman. No woman should feel ashamed of the child that grows within. We are the future. To bad some Mamas think they birth monsters. What a bad rap.

Many children don’t make it to the gate, let alone win the race. They are snuffed out by their Mamas before they even have a chance. My Mama gave me a chance. As I have witnessed. That really is all my Mama had to give me. Society, at the time made it pretty much impossible for my Mama to show up for me. And not to mention how I came to be. That did not give me a good rep with her either.

I was raised in a home of love and care. Yes. And it was difficult because. Somewhere out there was a woman that could think about me like my Mama did. And I wanted to set the records straight when I grew up. Mama Jean knew I would. Mama Linda did not. But as I received this love from my new parents, I wondered how my Mama couldn’t see what my new parents saw in me?

And as I was growing up and I saw many children thrown away and mistreated, I made it my mission to not leave them down. My life was spared by a woman who really did not want me around. She could have killed me, but she did not. It’s upsetting that woman all around the world do this to their own flesh day in and day out. I wanted that to change.

I just wanted my Mama to get it right. And I wanted her to know that I heard, felt, and experienced it all. She didn’t hide a thing from me. If she would have made friends with Mama Jean after we reunited? She would have known that by now. But Mama doesn’t know herself like I do. Not this side of herself at least. She forgot this part of herself that she gave away because she was ashamed of herself. She actually believed I could ride inside her for 9 months and not even know it. She felt that I was just a blob of cells with no consciousness. She was wrong. She thought I would forget what she did and said about me while I was inside her. She was wrong. I knew. I may not have had the words to describe it at the time. But I felt it. And I heard it all. It’s kind of sad because I taught my kids to be honest and tell the truth. I taught them that being honest was best. That holding it in would only make it worse. Well. Mama didn’t listen to me because I wasn’t their to warn her. And now look at the mess.

And I came back. Which is a miracle in itself considering how my Mama acted about me while I was growing inside her. Like that’s huge. She wanted me dead. That’s a spirit of murder that my Mama entertained in her head. Much like Joseph brothers who thought of killing him and then sold him into slavery. Very much the same energy.

My family of origin is a very religious family. They signed a paper that they would not drink alcohol during prohibition. And to be a part of this family and be the stain on them. Well. Hello? I was a baby back then. My Mama made me into a stain. Ok? She could have made me into an angel from heaven like Mama Jean. But my Mama could not even and still can’t see me as anything other than a demon seed. That’s just unacceptable to me.

My family can keep their opinion of me. Because 24 years of feeling like this, watching this, seeing my sisters like they are, is enough. They want me gone? Well? I will be a household name soon. So good luck with that one guys. Your linked to me now. And I am not like you. So leave me outside the family circle will ya? Ha ha.

Whatever I do from this point on. They will have to watch from afar. I don’t need this shit show. I was gracious enough to offer to help clean it up. But you guys like this mess, so sit in it. Ive got things to do. Good things. I came here to change some things. Especially Mamas and woman’s rights. I want to change the way men see us and that’s gonna take woman seeing the programming that young boys get from Television, screen and reality, and us. We just pass the old way on without questioning it. That needs to stop and we need to train boys about woman and stop keeping them in the dark.

One life. Let’s make them count. I e got enough ammo in my mind to blow this up. And you too. Our experiences are our ammo to change. Let’s use it.

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