What’s the point?
That’s what I was trying to get to by typing out loud. Arguing each side and seeing what fits best here. Because my Mama’s not acting right. And apparently I am not acting right either.
Oh adoption. But my Mama is really upset. So upset my daughters has taken her side. And granted that is noble. But very unnecessary.
See the wants of a child created as I was need release. Even when your Mama thinks you are a demon seed. And as much as I would truly like to be a part of her life. I don’t think she can make it and see my as I am. She’s just not gonna make it.
But not all hope is lost. Because this blog is a testimony of a child’s love for a Mama. Even when she’s been raped and abused and has become pregnant as a result, or any variable the same as that. My Mama needs peace about it.
And what I see is she does not have it. And if I am the one stealing her peace? Well. At least I tried. At least I reached for the brass ring. I may not get it. The priced brass ring. But maybe someone else will by reading this blog. They can know what their child thinks about it.
I am no demon seed. I may have been created by a devil, but I work for God. So I am dangerous to any ideas that don’t jive with natural law. I am a person that grew inside a woman. I am meant to be here. Just not in her world. That’s not what I get from this life.
I get to be raised by a stranger because my Daddy rapped or pushed himself on her and I am paying the price. But the price is high. But I’ll do it. If that make it better. But I am not into rely sure it will. Trauma is trauma. Whether I am in her life or not? She was wounded and do with to make amends for my father.
It is truly horrific to realize how you came to be from all this. But I think I get it. My Mama just can’t go where I want her to go. It’s just to upsetting. She never got over it. And blamed herself for being stupid I imagine.
It’s to bad that she did not know how to protect herself so I could go to another person. Maybe self defense. Or something. Men suck at teaching daughters. Except mine. He didn’t have a chance but to raise me right and teach me. I asked so many questions of both my parents. I am curious.
I see now what my Mama was doing. Her best. And now I just present a challenge because her PTSD flares up from her past when she sees me, she see him. And she’s tried. But it’s not working. I am used to different. But she’s not. She has her way and that’s her way.
Anyway. As I go along and say what I am thinking out loud or here. I am gaining clarity. But it is a process.
My family should know the truth about me and what I have felt. Whether they step up? Well. I am rusty at requests. It comes out as a demand or a threat. And it’s only because I am so trying to explain myself.
Nothing will turn my Mama around. I am changing. And need to accept that she feels this way. It is her right to block me out, again. It does hurt to see it. To see that my Mama sees me as a trauma is very upsetting. Because I the child from the act? Really cared about her.
Like do you think that I enjoyed her being all upset? And wanting me gone? I came like that for a reason, I can see it now. And I am quite good at it. Changing men. Making them see. One by one, what they do to woman who become Mamas in this way. My Mama was hurt so bad that she associate that hurt with me.
Association happens when we experience trauma. My Mama is unable to face me. Because she saw me as a demon seed. Please don’t hate her for that. Ok? She thinks I hate her. But she so wrong. So wrong.
But I am gonna just accept it. This is how it is. She did the best she could, better than many. But this men must be educated. And this must stop. It stops with me. I the product of this will change it. I already do as I make men face their urges. And take responsibility for what they put woman through when they just can’t come tell themselves and want a woman. Her body is her own. She’s not your blow up doll buddy!!
Men need to realize and woman must show men that we are not just pleasure machines for them. Society must change and we the woman must bring this change in. Woman need self defense class. All woman need to be able to defend themselves. Woman should not have to defend themselves. Men need to learn some manors!!
My Mama just has not healed from what brought me to her door. And I so want to make it better. For her. But I accept it. And am gonna just let her go and be in the world without me. I did not come to traumatized my Mama. I came to love her. But I just have to do it from afar.
My daughter can love her for me. She seems to. It get upset at her. And that’s real good. If Chelsie can love her and she accept it? Then I’ve done good. I’ve loved her through the children I boar. So, I am loving Mama. Because the love Mama Jean gave me, I gave to my kids, and so Chelsie’s my ambassador. To show Mama in a way that I love her.
If I hated my Mama. Do you think my kid would be near her? Hell know! I knew Mama was hurt. It’s a hell of a way to come in. But I gladly came to do this work. Men got to change. Woman got to change. Parents got to change. This world needs to be safer. And educations the key.
I really hope I am not right. But I feel I am. I’ve thrown the kitchen sink at my Mama. And all of it scared her to death. That’s trauma. And I want my Mama to heal. She’s been chased by that demon that took over my Dad for years. It stops here. I remember why I came now.
Thanks for reminding me Mama.
Children however we are conceived, are better than the way they came. But I see, Mama just couldn’t, it was to much for God to ask. I am so thankful she let me live. I couldn’t change a thing dead? But I can alive. So change is what’s going down.
I guess I just didn’t want to believe it. But now I see. Unless Mama writes me and tells me different. This is the truth for us. And I just need my Mama to know. I was not the act. I was just what came from the act. My Mamas a good woman. Don’t you hate her. She’s turned around. But she a good god fearing woman. This I know.
And Jesus is her savor and she clings to that to make it through. Good thing. Jesus will help her heal. This I know. And whether we meet and can get past it is up to God. But let the record show. I love my Mama. And I will make this right.
It’s ok Mama. It’s ok.