I wonder

I wonder if my Mama has gotten it yet? I wonder if she understand that I saw right through the lies? And realized at a young age that she was alive and out there thinking I was a mistake all along? And maybe right now she’s looking right at it and can’t see that.

I wonder what in the hell she thought a child born from her would act like being adopted and raised by a stranger? I am just not sure what she was thinking at all? I played the game she wanted me too and still do. And I have learned to love people I otherwise would not have known, and to call them my parents.

I wonder did she think I was just a blog inside her and did not feel, hear, it all while inside my Mama? That’s just amazing to observe! Like she had no idea. No consciousness further that her own mind. Not that she was dumb. No. Just not exposed to the other side of the coin of being abandoned and what that really feels like.

I watch the same pattern in my own children go on and on. I see it and try to tell them. But they tell me I am speaking psycho babble and dismiss me. Oh being adopted is so much fun at times. Especially when you have to clean up what the world said about you, what you Mama said about you and what they all think they know and do not. At all.

It’s hard to explain is what Adoptees say. As you read what I write? You can see what I mean when I try to explain this many sided thing.

I wonder when my Mama will just talk to me again? Will she stay held up in her Fort Knox forever? Hiding from her own daughter?

And I wonder why? Why would a Mama be sacred of her daughters truth? I wonder.

There is no comfort

There is no comfort for the adopted. We don’t need comfort from anyone except our Mamas. And if we can’t have our Mamas! Well, it’s time you all felt a bit of what we feel, uncomfortable is what we feel. All day long and each more break.

Many commit suicide because the realization of that fact? Is just to much for the spirit within to take. And the spirit within us all is God. So God in them couldn’t take it in human form.

My eldest daughter showed me today, the full extent of the injuries to my psyche by telling me what I look like to her. I see what she says even if she thinks I don’t. And what she can not see is she has been hurt too, by adoption, through me, her Mama who was so deeply affected by it that all I can think about is my Mama.

It’s like when Mama left a homing beacon was set off, seek home, seek Mama, do all you can to find her. And what I see is that as time passes, it gets louder and louder so as to cause me discomfort until I comply to my bodies demands. I am my own best friend now. I must break through so my children can also heal. For they deserved better than what I was and am. I want better for myself than to have my own children lash at me as if I am a monster. That is no fun to experiences when I bore them in love and thought that maybe they would see and help me make it better. But they don’t see anything except a Bizrate woman rambling on and on about someone who I came from.

I do feel like a records going around and around saying the same thing and no one even doing a thing to help me. It’s really hurtful to watch folks and hear the words they say to me. It’s nothing new. But I never thought my own children would be part of the mob. Hey have watched me and seen how I act? And have just abandoned me too. Emotionally and physically. Many times when they were all I had to cling to, like they when they were born clinched to me. But in Adoption, the child like Jesus keeps getting crucified.

I’ve criticized myself my whole life trying to be better than I am. I have a long row to hoe. And I do most of it myself, like other adoptees in their dark closets. We do piece work and peace work trying to piece our now torn lives back together with little help and no one qualified except us. The mavericks if this cause. Who dare to stand up and say change is the only way.

Death of my body, or death of adoption. Those are my choices. Yes. I know. That’s a tough target indeed. But I’ve got a bead on it. I need to steady myself and aim. Take my time. Do the set up. And then shoot. And I could do it way better if I had some more determined marksman. Yes. We could pierce this thing for good with the amo we’ve been saving. I believe the armory of our experiences could set the world straight. And could settle it once and for all. For we know. Our truth is solid as a rock. We only have to fire. And then we watch and see the change happen.

I know it’s hard. And you don’t want to upset anyone. And you always seem to. But why not make all this upset count? Say what WE MEAN, and not what they say we mean. Let’s put it down on paper, up in the cloud, and deep in each person hearts what needs to be said, by us! We need to come to attention and speak our precious feedback. Precious because we sweat, bleed, fought, and many died because of this life. And many of are like me. Hung up and hung up on.

Unity is what we are. Linked by Mother Earth and God the Father. We are the children of this planet. We are Gods chosen. But we must show up and step into our roles as citizens of this planet and tell the feedback needed to help folks see why this change is needed.

Please pray protection over me. As I speak truth into the air waves, a new consciousness is created by canceling out an old program that is out of date and not of good use. It’s not the best solution if it does not benefit all. And Adoptees, many, I feel all experiences a diminished sense of well being having to face the world without their own Mama. And also, the diminishment of family connections cause a defragmentation affect on generations to come as the emotional detachment of the Mothers energy continues.

Let me pray for all Adoptees here. I don’t know all that you e been through. It I feel many of your intense emotions and identify with you. I see you. And I am calling for help!! I am calling help! Don’t give up. We will change this! I have felt all of it. god let me feel it so I could express it for us all. It fuckin hurts like hell!

Lord. Give Adoptees all over the planet some encouragement. Lord let them know like you showed me, that they matter. That you see them right where they are. That you are also their in Spirit within them. Lord, I pray for strength. I need your strength to do this that you have shown me needs doing. May I do well. I ask that you help each and every adoptee to know that this is not your plan. But that your in it. And that you see what has been done. And that you through us will change it if we let you use our truth. Lord give us courage to speak what we know and let folks make the only conclusion that is. Change.

Truth is subjective to the one who experienced it. Each person has their own truth, or let’s say take on everything. Each person is their own expression, if you will. We are like conduits. Our bodies are finely tuned equipment of biological matter. And biological is not logical and makes miss steps. Unaddressed missteps make mistakes and if left unaddressed, become sin, (a missed Mark) Adoptees know full well they are out of place and need to go home. It’s written in our DNA.

Adoption does not validate that because we don’t validate that. Well we are staring too. But we can do more. But standing by while this goes on when you know full well you have the medicine for the cure us Sin as well. And Adoptees must face that truth first to even have the strength for the rest. Stand in our truth and watch our truth change is what I say. And will say, until I round all you 1’s back into the 99.

My Mama may not know it. But she saved me so I could grow up and make it better for her and all you all Bio Mamas out there! Your Babies do need you. You’re their leader? We all need to heal. And we need a big hug. Lordy this is intense!

Let’s take this intense energy and send it back where they can feel it and stinking change it. Gods blessing is not on us if we know to do better and do it not. For all you Christians out there. Gods calling. Pick up the phone or suffer your own consequences. Do nothing. Get nothing. Do Much and receive much.

Let us begin. It’s time for change. Show up do the work and see. Truth is power. Use it. God is with us.

Oh Mama

My Mama doesn’t even get this. She thought I was a mistake and god tied her to that mistake and brought me around for another look, but all she’s seen is a mistake again and again. And my sister are the same. Mistake my ass.

The things people tell themselves and say it is truth. I mean really! I am just amazed how my family holds onto the old. I am amazed that my words could make them run for cover? But you can’t hide forever. Especially now that everyone knows their names. People think they can hide from God. Kind of funny.

My family thinks I am the devil and I know the truth while they live in the dark. I was an invisible member of this family, but no more. I am visible now. And all can see who I came from. Well? Guess that God wanted me to see something too, who and where I came from and how it really is.

I was fed the story that my Mama gave me away because she loved me. That does not seem to be true. My Mama has not confessed her actions to me and now? Those actions are being known and seen by her girl. She under estimated the power of the person that God made in her. She underestimated the power of God who took me under his/her wing after my Mama abandoned me.

The way I see it is, if she sees a demon when she look at me, the reflection is her own and the demon is in her. Because all I see when I look at her is my Mama, so confused and turned around by her own lies she told herself about me. A woman feeding on lies is not healthy. And unlike her, I care anyway. I don’t have to like it. But I do have to love her enough to tell her. So she can have an opportunity to confess it and then watch it dissipate. My sisters don’t know how to do that. I do. For that what I have just done. I’ve confessed my feelings, and emotions and thoughts from54 years of living. I’ve carried the pain of our partying this long, waiting for her to just show up.

She will have to stand before the king and give an account of all that was not covered in Jesus’s blood. I want her to have it all cover in his blood. That’s what a good Christian does. They help you. See what you may have missed. And that’s what a good daughter does. She shows her Mama, how to confess it. And keep standing out in the street of the world waiting for her to finally show up.

It’s is no fun growing up when you know that your Mama thinks your a mistake, and a stranger could care less about it and loves you anyway. Mama doesn’t understand me because a stranger took her place and she never got to see her blessing grow up. But Mama Jean did. She watched and marveled that she could let me go at all.

My Mamas act of relinquishment was for herself, not me. She gave me away because she would have killed me. That’s just fear of what God would do if she did. She passed the buck. But Mama? The buck stops here.

You think you’re going to die from the pain

Growing up adopted meant to me that we all lost. And for me the child in the middle of this kettle of fish, it was most rigorous a climb to the place of the mixing of the twos I now was a part of. All mixed up. All over the place. And all or nothing is what I say. We all matter here in this.

My Mamas matter and my sisters and brothers matter. Each one of us has our gifts and our places within the framework we call family. And I am no different than any other child that has stayed with their family or had to leave or was left. We all love our families as much as they will let us show, but the well goes deep for me. There seems to be no end and no bottom to the love I have for my Mamas. Each of them special. And both crazy. And mavericks of their day.

I have taken what the world gave them to give me and now give you my take on it. And that’s evolution. Closure is completion. Completion is the final. When we come together and take stock of what was, what is, and finally can see what is to come with fresh new perspectives because we weathered the storm of truths arrow into a heart filled with lies that now have been exposed to light so it could heal.

My Mama did not know she gave birth to a preacher. My scream should have been the first clue. Me finding her? The last.

I thought many times in my life when I had achieved something, I would die because I could not really share my moment with my Mama. It was bittersweet for me in those times when Mamas your cheerleader. And that is not to say Mama Jean did not celebrate them. But, that’s how I saw it and felt. And no amount of distractions or redirection could silence that truth within me. To this day, I want my Mama still.

Like a fresh born child, I still want and need her still. And it’s not like I can’t go on. I could. Many have, just left it alone and gone on. I am not one of those people you see. I just am not. And I am not the kind to cling to one and deny the other either. I want and need them both differently and for different reasons.

The feeling still comes over me and has become very strong as of late. It’s intense and Mama thinks I need help and I try to tell her that she’s the help I need and she pushes me away. Not even realizing what she’s doing to us both.

But god is with us both. So God will take this and work it out. I do have faith. And faith helps me when I feel like I am going to die.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

God bless.

Like I am so curious.

I wonder so much what my Mama thinks and just so wants to actually talk to her face to face. Our past is an up and down roller coaster ride. But I really would not change it. I mean a daughter will take what she can, for as long as she can before stepping up to her Mamas table and asking for more.

I am that person that wants to hear what she thinks when no ones around and revel in the knowing that she trusted me enough to let me into her inner court, to hear the tales. Oh. What a thing to sit and listen to her tell it all to me, her daughter , who’s waited so long to hear it.

Curiosity killed the cat. But satisfaction brought him back.