This morning.

I woke up crying again.

Missing my kid.

Turned around.

Upset.

This is the life of an adoptee trying to grieve a loss no one really saw. Not really even my kids. They saw it growing up. How I would get upset and seemed so distant at times. It was this. Living in a world where a Mama can do this.

Giving me away was bad enough. But when I came back to have a second look, to see, with my own eyes, whom I came from, I have been riveted. She wasn’t any better? She gave her problem away. And the problem just came back is how she treated me. Her baby a problem?

As soon as I medicate, the tears stop. And I can think of. Happier things. And I don’t really like that? I really would like to be ok on my own and maybe after all this garage is out, I will.

The only second chance I see is for me. I must get this right. And make this right for me. Mama Jeans not paying anymore for what my Mama did. Mama can own what she did, or just keep living in the dark. But I can see now that I’ve said it out loud.

Mama Linda hated being pregnant with me. She only had enough sense to not kill me? Or did she? I am not sure. Part of me says, she did try to kill me. Part of me does not want to believe it.

As sick as I was as a baby. I think she did. Want me dead. But she did not get that. And it sucks that she even went there. But shit happens. She was in a bad place. To bad.

As I go through this. And as flashback from days gone by wash over me, I can see why people just go crazy? With no support system how can they not? I am glad Mama Jean showed up. And commuted to me. It is her love that shows me my Mamas truth best. It’s her encouragement that grounds me. Mama Linda just doesn’t get what that is.

And that’s it. I am done with her and my sisters. I am done holding on to a dream that’s only a nightmare to they. I give it to god. I want to be done with this energy. So I am writing it all here. I’ll leave it for others finding their way. Maybe it can validate someone else and save them from the suicide that haunts many Adoptees. Maybe my pain will validate theirs and they will know they are not alone.

Thanks for diving deep with me.

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