Well, that’s a very good question. Thanks for asking.
I have been using Medical Marijuana for 5 years now. And my life as changed since I began to use it for my, what I call anxiety. I get very anxious, but I have worked my whole life, to not show it. Because it’s viewed as a weakness stemmed from insecurity or lack of confidence. Well, what the hell? Where did I get insecurity?
Insecurity!! Why are you here? What do you want for God sake? What’s the point? And why am I feeling not secured? Grounded? What is my issue?
I’ve asked myself, God, doctors, lawyers, preachers, people, children, dogs and cats what they think my issue is? I’ve gone and asked for honest feedback. I have been to counselor after counselor trying to ease this pain!! Ugh. The hours! The books!! The seminars! The sermons? The prayer meetings and healing sessions. I’ve exhausted my resources and read till my eyes bleed and are red. I’m up day and night. This bone is tied to me. Why? How did it get here? I want to take it off. It stinks.
Adoption. A nasty bone around my neck, like a hand cut off and tied around your neck to warn others!! What is my warning? What is the point of this stinking bone around my neck that stinks? That’s where we are going.
Why do I feel ill? Stress? Feelings. Many overwhelming? Am I just that sensitive? And why is my Body so sensitive? To everything it seems these day. MM helps calm that anxiety as I call it. It’s like electrical
Shocks to my body, like an internal alarm that compels me to desire my Mama? I am so used to it. I am realizing it as I write. That’s how jammed up this made me. My
Chest feels tight. And yet my heart is strong. I am able to read people’s feelings and emotions extremely well. I imagine it’s some residual affect of being abandoned. It’s like fight or flight. But different words. Fight was my crying!! At birth. Flight was my refusal to accept Mama Jean as my sole Mama. She would get used to knowing and would be remind throughout my life that there is another. She looked at her in me. And that I expected her to be ready for that day.
Mama on the other hand was in Linda La La land. God sure plunked her? Or did she punk herself? Well either way? She’s just not ready. And seems to like the snooze button a lot! Angela Marie would not be happy as she is very versed on waking up, and duty, and honor. She served this country. Grammas over in lala land. Mama can’t seem to wake her up!! Sounds like a song. I’ll write it.
Change to subject a bit. But it’s kind of linked. Lala land. I can’t tell you how many people tell me and ask me? Are you sure you have never done LSD? They tell me I act like I have? And I wonder about Mama? It was the 60’s you know. And I really don’t care in the sense of if she did. I’d be curious to know? I mean I like me. And if LSD helped make me? I’d like to know? It’s helpful on your journey of life to know what made you who you are. And my Mama has not told me the story of me yet. And so want to hear it I can’t stand it. It’s like the next episode of Game of thrones kind of yearning!! Oooh. My. It’s intense.
MM helps that feeling not consume me completely. I mean if I wake up and don’t smoke, I begin to cry about everything. I just become emotional. And I get fixated and argumentative. I want my Mama back. It’s like my body is taking over and I must reach my Mama. It’s written in me to do that. And my body’s like taking over. My
Mind can’t stop it. It’s strange. People call this kind of stuff mental illness. And I call it god calling me to go home my Mama needs me and can’t seem to ask or tell me. It’s like she is trapped and I need to get to her. That the love in me has a power to heal her and me at the same time and I know it. I use it everyday to help people. I channel my love for my Mama to to others who are down. But I need the Mother
Ship. Now. Her. While there is time. We have things to do and places to see. And memories to make and love to heal it all.
See? It’s pouring out of me. The poison I swallowed growing up because that’s what folks fed me on. Junk and mean stuff about my Mama. I had to look at each day without her. Do you realize what I am saying? I woke each day and remembered her. My sisters don’t even have that kind of loyalty as I can clearly see.
I can clearly see how they are. But they don’t have to stay that way? I guess they didn’t really know this side of Mama now did they? Yeah. I’m her ace in the hole. Sister should do better than we. I see it Mama. I’m trying to get through. I know. You can’t do it all. One sister can not do all of the work to create a relationship. We must realize we are a team. I am a secret player Mama made. Ive come home and you better accept me. Cuz if your not? What are you really saying to Mama? Hmm? You suck? Keep that part of you away? Mama made me. Or god made me with Mama. How ever you Alice this pie. I am in it. The only way out is to die and get a new pie. Pie is family. I am in it.
Mama made me. And if you all don’t accept me? You are slapping our, OUR MAMA IN THE FACE!!!! Stop doing that! Begin to get to know me. For our Mama. This is cruel to leave us like this and just ya ya about it. Mama can’t care cuz your not letting her. Now that what I see. From my side. And I do believe it is a fair assessment after 24 years of observing you all. Like wow guys? What’s Mama got to do? Lead you by the ear? The apology should be from you all not me. I’m here making sure Mama knows I have not given up on her and you.
I feel her heart. Always have. And she mine. She just denies it and hides it in a journal. I want to see that thing so bad. I can taste it. She’s not happy about this. But you all have free will. How can she show you what’s she hidden if you can’t even accept what was made? Your sister. And Mama had to make a hard decision. And has carried that for 54 years. Alone. With only Phil to help her. You carried it subconsciously, a knowing, and a sense. That’s why Liz did what she did. Mama hid it and it resurfaced again. Patterns that need to be broken in our family. I have the gift to see the patterns and help people change the course. That’s what this is. A classroom.
I had a great aunt who was a teacher. Auntie O. And I am a teacher too. And a healer. I allow God to use me to heal. My love for my Mama is so strong that it heals people. I really just get out of the way.
That’s what this blog is about. Cleaning your mind up, by purging the old thoughts. Like deleting old apps so new versions can take their place. People say don’t over think it. And that’s kind of silly. Why have a mind if you’re not gonna us it? With a pure heart. And my love for god is pure and my love for Mama is pure too. Pure love comin at ya! If you see hate? That’s you looking in the mirror.
I’m not just blogging for me here. I am blogging for Mama. She can’t talk like me? She can’t tell you how I can. Mama chose to go through this. She’s tired. So I am helping her by speaking out. No one should go through this, like this. This is what it is. Adoption. A tar pit. I am trying to plant my flowers and bloom where I was planted by my Mama but without her? It’s a tar pit. Ugh.