Primal Wound, written by Nancy Newton Verrier is a rough book for adoptees to read. The first time I read the firsts words I cried….. This book touched me in the place no one could see or explain. And as I read the words within the cover, I felt, a strange settling, even though I cried, and the words gave my feelings words to describe the pain I felt and could not identify why?
In the book on page 12, the importance of early experiences tell about how we don’t want to remember the painful experience of separation from our Mamas. And yet, I feel that talking about it, is what sets us free from it. And we don’t want to be set free from the pain, its all we have known, and its the vibration that we remember and feel our Mothers. Pain is all we know, about our Mamas, and talking to anyone about her is sacred, and those who listen must earn trust to hear our sacred words. At least for me. Ive gone that deep within me, and it took me a very long time to come up and share mine.
My Mamas reaction is not a surprise, people have been acting like her for years towards me. And so you can see why it has not phased me, in fact it drives me. That my Mama is like this is proof, adoptions messed up. That my precious Mama blocks, calls the police on me, whatever she does that is not like a Mama should act, is because of adoption, the perfect solution, that’s torn this planet apart literally, child by child, we have wounded ourselves by being so ignorant not to look at design, and for not realizing the value of a Mama to the child she bares.
Primal Wound on page 13 suggests and I agree, that we understand what we are doing when we take a child away from their Mama. It affects us, forever changes us.
On page 14 of primal wound, she says, “What the general population considers to be a concept, or social solution for the care of children who cannot or will not be taken care of by their biological parents is really a two-part, devastating, deliberately experience for the child.” She is spot on.
She also says,” The first part is abandonment itself. No matter how much the Mother wanted to keep the baby, and no matter what the altruistic or intellectual reasons she has for relinquishing him or her, the child experiences the separation as abandonment. ”
That is a true statement. And that is what I felt the day I went home. Many of the feelings from my childhood have come rushing back up like rotten food eaten. And it has been intense to experience again. I have struggled with all the disruption washing back up on me.
I have felt like a person with the flu as of late, except that I feel ok at one moment and then throw up on people the next and there is not control over it. I can not go back to being quiet, again. Out is where this shit needs to go. I refuse to stay quiet another minute to save my Mama’s peace of mind, or reputation, or secret. Its time to change. I wish my Mama no ill, but I wish my Mama’s thoughts would go back to hell where they came from and stop infected her mind.
I would appreciate whom ever is telling my Mama to block me, call the police on me when I try to see her, slam doors in my face because they don’t understand me, stop, please. You are not helping myself and my Mama by doing so. And if she and I wish to be healthy, we must speak about these things. The sooner the better, I am tired of this, but clean up must be done. And Mama’s got to much shit in her head that’s nothing more than lies.
I am done being lied about to my Mama. If my Mama can find her strength, and read, this is my testimony of love and commitment. The commitment of a child to her Mother, and the commitment of that child in honoring her Mama, by loving the Mama she gave me to, but just not like her.
I tried to give my Mama’s place to her, but she knows better. She lost her children, I did not make up for that, I made something new for her. I was shared by them both, my lOve has gone to both for my whole life. Why is that so hard for people to understand?
Oh, yeah, they only have one Mama, Ive got two. xo