When she lost her children and mother and father in a Christmas fire in her own home after presents were opened, baked goods where made, and all were in bed, she ended up in a hospital. And after tests and counseling, they said this one this, ” she’s just sad” (my paraphrase) and I think to myself, “ya think?”
They did this and they did that. But nothing could bring her back except her. And time. Grief is an energy that has to be processed and accepted.
I’ve grieved for years in secret. And no more. It’s not healthy. But what could I do? Risk the family I had to speak up? Would they listen? Would they love me Enough to take me Home? How could I dahs their dreams? And yet my dreams lay on the rocks. What did my Mama want me to do? Why did she send me here?
But that the thing. Mamas not dead. We lost each other. Yes. But now we are found. We were blind. But now we see. Why do we sing such song and can’t even get them and practice what we sing?
Mama was blind to my struggle. She knew. Deep down. But denied it was true. I just burst her bubble and she’s got 20-20 vision now. She sees what she felt. And it hits her buttons. It lights her up. Well, of course it does. She’s my Mama. She’s just rusty. About caring for me. She does it without thinking and yet her brain tells her this and that. But when I show up. It’s all over here. She loves me and just doesn’t understand.
So I have to explain it. And it’s daunting. And time consuming to educate your Mama about you. She’s different than I remember. Back then she was a fireball of energy. Today she’s strum and rigid. I wish she could loosen up. I mean she can’t get pregnant now? So why feel bad about me? Why keep us here where we have been for years, just in secret. When can I come out? When is it safe enough for you to love me Mama? When?