I just wanted my family back

But…..Adoption strikes again….

I just want my sisters, brothers, and Mama back?

Why is this so hard to do?

Well, Maybe because people say a lot of things about returning adoptees that is not founded in truth.

And ignorance plays a huge role in the Adoptees saga.

We face alone, so many ignorant people.

We face alone, without our families of origin, countless situations where folks make fun of us, talk bad about our Mama’s.

Our Adoptive Parents can’t see that, because for me, I did not share what I went through.

Why? Well, I worried about my Adopted Mom. I did not want her to worry anymore than she was. But I could have told her, and maybe she would have helped me? I will never know.

I do know that she really can’t help me with it, its my road, and its my struggle.

See I care for her, because she showed up for me. And even if she was not my Mama, she became my Mama and did the work to carve a space within my heart.

That is what is sad about my Mama’s reactions, she does not even appreciate that I did that? She took for granted her gift, but Mama Jean did not. And that is a lesson for Mama to learn. And I learned too. That appreciating your Mama is important, even if she gives you away, and has another woman raised you.

See? It is complicated? Right? Like for most folks, I don’t make sense. Without my content, I look crazy. My Mama verifies that with her reaction to my truth.

And I write and I write to try to give her the content so she can get what I am saying. Mama Jean knows, she learned about me, raising me. But My Mama did not. She is so out of the loop, she’s treading water.

She is over in her world, just going on like usual. And her daughter is knocking at the door of her heart, and she’s dead. The woman I knew is dead. The woman I go to see, the woman I share DNa with is not the woman who bore me anymore. That is what Adoption does to us. And its frustrating as hell, because I am not dead. She acts like I am dead, and am some ghost that rattles her chain. And that is what I have become to her. A ghost of a child, that floats into her life and turns her upside down again and again and again. She treats me like I want her money and things. She calls the police on me. Oh, yeah, I have said that before haven’t I. Well get used to it. If I have to get used to this, you should too.

You know, they say the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Well I am squeaking for all I am worth, I am yelling from the internet mountain top, and Mama’s turned a deaf ear to me? Like wow!

You can imagine how I felt to search for her and have her turn me away?

Can you imagine being rejected over and over and over by your Mama? Well, that not how it should be, and it not how I want it. And my Mama thinks I will just go away? Well, I am not a baby any longer, I can not just go back.

As a baby, all I could do was cry to speak. But I am grown now and my feelings have found their way from my subconscious to speak what I could not speak when born.

One of the things I grew up hearing about my birth story is that I had good lungs. I screamed loud as I could, they took me back to my Mama, she still gave me away. She turned a deaf ear to her creation, her baby, her daughter. And that,,, sucks folks. It sucks and I am not going shut up about how bad that sucks. No Mama should be like that, but she was, why is what I look for. Because when I know that, I can truly begin to make a difference for woman like her. I came to heal this.

But healing takes God, work, and time, mental strength, resolve, stamina, and copious amounts of prayer. And to heal and create something new is what I am doing. To do that? You must tear the old down, brick by brick, I work to turn my Mamas mind around, by weeding her mind of the lies planted within her. She is brainwashed. And My voice is loud enough to break her deafness to me. Because I have God. Like Joshua, I will beat the drum of my heart and the walls built around my Mama will fall. Those lies living in her, don’t have a chance agains me and God, who sent me to her.

I really don’t think God is happy about Adoptions like it is, a bazillion dollar business, and children are commodities to adoption, we are like puppies and I would just like to say? Hello! I am not a puppy that can be rehomed! I have feelings and attachments to my Mama, still to this day! I wake up each morning and thank God for the day, and then the pain shows up, and I work through the day, even though each day, I miss her more. And time keeps ticking, and I worry I will not make it to her heart, that my sisters will squash us, that the lies will rise up again and squash me to her. Like she hates me. She sits and prays lamenting prayers for me, that are so sad. She has chosen to believe that a part of her is crazy. She want me to be crazy, so she can be sane again in her world without me. Why would a Mama want to believe that her child is crazy? Mama Jean doesn’t do that?  She used to, but not now. She did not understand at all what I was going through, I was to scared to tell her.

As I write here, and more of us are writing, I will soon be in the international street we call the world wide web with my brothers and sisters who are fed up too and working to turn this world around about adoption. I will be standing with them all, we will be united and standing in the streets soon, waving our flags, showing our scares, and educating the masses, she thinks I am alone. You think I am alone, but I know I am not. And I have faith in my brothers and sister in this, we are strong. The ones of us that don’t commit suicide, and go on,  must make this right for those who did not make it.

I feel strongly about this. And I feel it is my charge. I am that kind person that tells people about my experiences, so that we can do better if needed. And Adoption, has got to go! At least how it is  now. It sucks for us who have to grow up confused and removed, feeling cast aside and rejected. What the hell people? Look at it! Look!

Look at this I speak of and learn. Adoption is like a tar pit, don’t go there. It gets all over your soul and sucks the fun out of life. I will mourn this out. I will go on.  But I will go down trying to get my Mama to see. She will not go down ignorant, she may not want to be with me, but she will know how I feel.

I can’t say that I will welcome her back if she does not get with it now. I am angry. And I am trying not to take it personally. But its hard to maintain an objective stand when your trying to get home to your Mama and she doesn’t want you. Look at that sentence! It makes me cringe reading it. Like wow!

Is this what I get for all my trouble? Is this what I get for being a good Adoptee? There is not gravy train at the end of being adopted as I see it. Only torn hearts that bleed, and no one who knows what to do to make it better.

My kid, Chelsie Lynn is still not talking to me. I feel that adoptions caused that. Because Adoption caused many issues for me. And Mamas who are adopted and have babies get a lot of shit from their kids about how messed up we are. My Chelsie got tired of hearing me talk about my Mama, and helped herself to her. Mama loves Chelsie. And hates me.

You know, I thought that Chelsie was my champion, but she isn’t. I thought we had a strong bond and nothing could tear us apart, but adoption showed me different. Chelsie thinks I am crazy too. I guess she doesn’t even think about her Mama, me? She never calls me, probably because I am a broken record, and she’s just to young to get it. I had hope that she would help me, but that a pipe dream.

Each time I go through the town she lives and my Mama Jean tells me where she works, she quits and get a new job or apartment. That is not normal. And she won’t talk about it? I guess she wishes I would go away too. She got my Mama now, and I can go fuck myself for all she cares. She will do nothing, and leave me like this. She will just not talk about her Mama, and act like she doesn’t have a living, loving Mama who has done many good things for her life. She may think me unappreciative. And definitely subscribes to the family feeling that I am a mess and need professional help. UGH!

Thanks world for filling my family with shit! I just love cleaning up messees!Thanks a lot.

I think about Chelsie everyday and miss her so much. Lately it feels like my heart is breaking. My dreams dashed to the rocks. Sometimes I wish I would not wake up to face this each day. And I really don’t want to do anything anymore. I just want to forget, but I can’t seem to do that. And why should i have too? forget my family? My Mama?

Mama Jeans gonna die someday, the thought terrifies me, and where will I be? She doesn’t even really understand me, but she shows up and does her best. I mean when she is gone, I will have no Mama to turn too. And I know what that feels like, and I don’t want to go through it alone again, loosing a Mama. I personally hope I die first. That is my truth right now.

If living is got to be like this? If my Mama can’t see me and we can’t get to a better place with each other, what is the use? I came to love her too, and life sucks if I can’t. She is my muse. Why is that so bad?


Well, thanks for visiting my shame cave as I clean it up. Thanks for browsing around my mental space, I hope maybe something I said gives you strength to stand up and speak about what you need to say.

I would not recommend Adoption to anyone, that is my truth. It is most difficult for the children left in the care of another, there are to many fairytales and life should be founded on truth. I would have thought my Mama would get that being a christian, but not all christian are christ like, thats why Jesus came, to wipe our dumb ass sins away.

God bless.

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