Ok, Now that I have you right where I was, let me lead you out……

Ok, Now that I have some of your attention. I can see that some people have hung on, and probably are adopted, or part of the triad called Adoption. My Mama is one for sure, I speak to her, and you can take what speaks to you as well.

What is all this about? Why are there so many incoherent posts, that don’t make sense and sound mostly like a bunch of pain and puss that no one wants, right? Yeah, I felt that way at first too. Kind of sour and balled up inside. I felt like my whole being had been hit with a sucker punch, that literally blew my mind. Yep, burnt the Mother board, and fried my hard drive. The words here, are my art about it. As I have taken all that I felt and experience, and smear it all over this page I show you a horror story that I work to build and show the residence and reserve of the spirit of a child given away.

This place is a representation of my mental space growing up, until the day I dared to speak out and up. This place is the memorial of my inner child. This place is hallowed ground for the spirt of God within me that has observed it all. God within me is my witness, and God alone has given me the strength to stand and be counted. I add my voice, and story to the narrative of this that we call Adoption.

Many run far from my blog. And many chew on each morsel gleaning anything that will help them along their way. Whether you are an Adoptee, a Mother, an Adoptive Parent, my truth will give you a true north to shoot for. If you are an adoptive parent, read, accept and learn about your childs inner world. If you ever wish to be allowed inside you must follow my words to the letter. For trust is the first key to turn the first lock. So treat carefully dear soul that showed up, there is a child within who needs you to help them make sense of this. Accept that you are part of the problem and the solution, alway. And what you do will carve a space within the child you have adopted, forever. Its ok, we are all human, but own who you are, and don’t pretend.

I need you to accept that the universe did not give you a child from within you, and Adoptions told you that this child is just as good as the one you would have grown. They are right, except that now, you have signed your childs rights away, and changed their story until they are old enough to gain it back. And you need to own what you have now just done, or did so long ago. Its ok. WE do things that don’t always turn out like people say. We don’t hate you, but we do wish you could learn and be aware, that is what I am writing for, to help you be aware.

A big thing has happened and you can’t see it right now, because your child is taking the world in right now and trying to make sense of it. Many people will talk to your child about being adopted if he or she is brave enough to say that they are. Being honest about it is very challenging, folks will say some pretty fucked up stuff to them about them, you and their Mama’s and family. That is just a fact right now. But we can change this with education and awareness.

Do you all realize how hard this has been on me? Like I did not do this with gayety and joy, ok? And I did not just plan doing a blog about it, no, that was not my choice at first. But after 20+ Years of reunited bliss (cough, cough), had just proved to be mortifying to me as the child of a woman who was so turned around, jammed up, and in denial that I had to go into that turned around mind and push every button she has, to get her to cough it up. What i have written, and she had read and listened to, is my experiences, my truth, and hers. I have pushed to button for us to self-destruct. I have spoken words that have pierced the airwaves, I have let out a battle cry, and done the unthinkable. I broke rank with Adoptions standards, and have stood up to request my right be given back, to my own Mama.

What does court have to do with the natural relationship between child and Mama? What hold does a lie have on the purest love of all? Nothing, I tell you. And I am rock solid, because my case is clear, and my Mama needed to know exactly what happened to me, and not her version, mine. Am I happy she’s all freaked out? Am I pleased that she has blocked me because of my daring to tell her my truth? Am I happy my sisters have not rallied around me? Am I happy they are so confused and scared by me? Am I happy that my children are not together? Am I happy? About that? Well, no. But that is our truth right now isn’t it? Yes, it is.

What do I work for? Its like pounding a nail, you just keep hitting on it until its in. Ideas like me, people like me, the things I want to show my family must have content to be understood. And even though they think my story stink, and I do agree with them, I work for harmony. But if folks are not in the same library, book and page? Well, then the story is all jumbled up, right? Well, that is what we are. My Mama and sisters are in the Adoption standards of 1963, and I am the 2017 updated version trying to be downloaded, but they have not deleted the old program and it can’t download into their hearts. The old app of Adoption standards are obsolete as of my vocalization of the contrary.

For us, my side does not line up with their information about me. I would like to know who is telling my Mama to call the police on me? Yes, I would. My information about them was out of date, but after a closer look at their actions, I was way off. I thought they wanted me around? And they did not. They were all uncomfortable about it, because my mama did not lay down the ground work like I did with my family. They got blindsided, because my Mama thought I would never come back. LOL. Oh,  we can thank adoptions standards again. Yippee! My Mama and I were both way off.

And thats just not ok with me. I mean I have played the game of being an adoptee well. I have done as well as a homesick kid can do. And all this gobbledy gook is a ball of feelings, mixed with experiences that formed my opinions about adoption in regard to the child. Adoption and relinquishment, being separated from my Mama was most painful and disruptive to my mind. It was so disruptive that it made how I learn different and how I do everything different. How do I know? Well, I watch how people acted around me? I didn’t know I was different, except that folks told me so.

Mama Jean did let me see it. She did not want me to feel any weirder than I did. But I was different, and I could see that people treated me differently because of it. MY truth has been hard to hide. And I have been triggered my whole life about my Mama and me. And I already lost it all, guys. My Mama lives, and yet she is dead. So blogging about it seems to be the best medicine. She’s out to lunch, but maybe someone else wants to read and needs to read my words. Maybe I can save a Mother from this road, maybe I can save a child from this road. Maybe my pain, can be used to make the garden of a child world better, by sharing my shit. Maybe it will lead them in another direction. And maybe they won’t be like me and my Mama. If I can’t change us, I can change it for another, if I am honest and share.

The only way out of being a lie, is to tell the truth and expose the lie for what it is. I am not a lier, and have expressed the feelings and emotions I felt with pinpoint accuracy. I have not edited it. But can explain any parts you need clarity on. What I see is that what goes in, does come out the same as it went in. I know I have hit some of you right in the heart, and you have wept. And that is actually good. Tears cleans. And triad participants, need to cry.

I don’t really know if Mama Jean has really mourned the loss of her children? Did I stunt the process by just being a distraction? I surely want her heart to be healed and her children to be proud of their sister from another Mama. I hope they know, I did my best and continue to strive to do better for their Mama. See she was a Mama before she got me. I wish medicine had been able to give her her own. Its hard being someone else’s kid. I will not say I was perfect. I wasn’t. But Mama Jean accepted my gestures, even if she did not truly understand them. We have learned our way in all this.

Mama Jean has her way, I have mine, Mama Linda has hers. its quite challenging to keep it all straight. Mama Linda expect me to tow the line of who she thinks I am. I am tired of being who she thinks I am though. So tired of it. Fighting, arguing, trying to explain and getting hung up on, yelled at, called disrespectful, having my sister shew me away like a stay dog and slam my Mamas door in my face after she ordered my Mama to go inside. I did tell Mama that Victoria was a chicken shit, I stand by that assessment. She sucked as a big sister and just got sucked into Mamas trauma again and again as Mama kept telling everyone how sick I was and how I needed help when she was the one who needs the help from her daughter who just wants to love her but she so turned around that her daughter who’s been waiting for 20+ years for a moment with her Mama, can’t even get close.

To say I am fed up is an understatement! What we bastards must do after it all is said and done and we just want to go home and the world has filled your Mamas head with lies and she can’t even grasp what you are trying show her, or she maybe does but feels she to weak to go there and does not even see that she’s been there since the day I left, she just lied to herself to survive.

What is so frustrating is that I have battled guilt for years living my Mama in secret for fear of hurting anyones feelings and yet mine where in pieces. Like talk about narcissistic? I have had to wrap my mind around such a mess of an idea, it takes  you down one road and it not where you really want to do. And none of the stories line up? Why? Because no ones talking to anyone, and telling whatever come to their mind to make it better and not telling the truth because it is not ok. Dont lie to us anymore. Tell us your truths, or change your truth.

I speak to change the truth of those who have said stupid things to me that they don’t even know about from experience? I mean talk about the blind leading the blind? Well, I am blind no more, I have all the research I need to change this. My story changes the script of Adoption for me. I do not agree with the practices and adoptions has caused me much mental anguish. I thank God for showing me the way out of that pit of feeling so bad about who I was. I thank God for showing me what to eat to help my mind turn around and to shed the lies that held me down and kept me silent.

My prayer is that my Mama will hear my cry, and come to me. So that we can unite, daughter and Mama. Then family, then, change it for children everywhere that are grown and mourning the loss of their Mama’s. Its not to late to change it. And My Mamas are sharp shooters, and amazing woman. I do have faith in them. I have faith in the woman I came from. I have faith in the God we serve to shed the light on us all, so we can see their are no monsters here, except the ones in our heads called ideas that suck.

When God tells you to do something, trust, and obey. God will make sense out of it, if we faint not. xo

Thanks for diving deep with me!!!

 

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