I figure that telling my truth would either cause my Mama to wake up and realize, or cause her to run. She ran. Again. It’s just how it is with me and Mama. Separation caused by adoption. And now I see that what happens is looking like an irreversible thing. She’s been brainwashed so well, she can no longer see me as a piece of her.
Adoption told her it was ok. Adoption told her a lot that was not true about me. And Adoptions winning. Adoptions got my Mama captivated by a life without me. Adoption told her I was the problem and to get rid of it quick and don’t go back. Adoption tells Mamas it’s ok to give their gifts away.
That’s why I write here. Because children have dreams too in Adoption. I have a dream where every adopted child goes home and where healing comes to all. But we have work to do to get there. My Mama and I may not make it to the promised land of adoption healing. Without her understanding the full picture, I can see she will stay right where she’s at.
And maybe that’s best? She seems pretty upset by my truth. I guess I’ll leave her in her self made bubble without me. I mean I’ve sent the alarm out. If she can’t hear my cry? She just can’t hear my cry? Guess she never could hear it?
That the truth about Mama’s though. Some hear and some shit it out. Some Mama’s want their gifts, some regift their children. Some realize their actions and regret and are willing to reunite because they know what they did. Some just don’t get it. And some don’t want to get it, and change it. Some, are so out of date, and truly lack support from family to do the work to reunite a child wholly back into the family.
My Mamas just to far gone. She out to lunch. And my sisters and family like it the way it is. I can’t say I like it the way it is. But I’ve felt like that for years. Guess I better get used to it. My Mamas gone. And it’s now time to just grieve the loss. And let her go.
I told her how I felt. And she’s not interested. Silence is golden I imagine to her. I am sure she will forget me again. But she better not try to meet me in her dreams anymore. I’m done with being her secret. I’ve seen what she truly feels about me. And it’s fucked up, what she thinks I am. As you have read. I am not a devil. I am her daughter.
People tell themselves strange things. I surely don’t want anyone coming around telling me what she said to them about me when she’s gone. They can eat that shit. If I can’t hear it from her lips? No thanks. I’ll just go on. I don’t need siblings sniveling at my door after she is gone telling me they are sorry. I’ve got shot to do in this world and I have taken time now to clear the air. If they can’t see that? If they can’t recognize Mama in me? Well, don’t come around when she’s gone.
The woman I knew long ago is gone. Adoption kid napped her. That’s how I feel. Kidnapped her and her mind. So, I must accept that she died. The woman I knew died the day she did this thing called adoption, relinquishment, abandonment, rejection. She killed it. She bleached it away.
She can’t see the correct for the trees. She blinded by Adoptions lies. The urges of a child are for their Mama. But adoption changed all that for me. I’ve seen it. I went there with a psychological attack to show me what was there. She said it to me. I am just a womb that gave birth to you. And so it is for the adopted.
We have no place and no home to go to, the world is our home and our family is whoever shows up to love us.
Just remember this. It may not be your Mama. Not all Mamas love the children god sends to them. Ok.
So, I work now to educate folks about that. And I will educate the children affected by this. They will know, that their Mamas don’t care about them, that’s why they left. Not love for the child. But love for themselves and their reputations. That’s Adoption.