Just because I've told my truth, it doesn't mean there is not still time to change the course. I've told you my mental GPS growing up. Which means I was way off track according to Adoption. Or is it according to nature? Did I grow up feeling off course? Because this body of mine? Has other ideas about it. My mind has held the course as instructed for years.
And my truth does not change what has happened. Your right. So what my point?
Well, I have a few that I have experienced, and come to another conclusion as those well meaning people who helped my Mama do this. And I don't hate anyone. I do have strong negative feelings about being separated from my Mama, and Mama Jean had to help me. Her showing up to take my Mama's Job did not change that-
- I was still the child sent to her care. I always knew I had a Mama out there that left me behind for some reason. Not a good one either. I could feel it.
- Even though Mama Jean loved me like, her own child, I was not from her. For some reason, I struggled with that. I could not figure out why I struggle to feel a emotional bond with her? Was it me? Or was it her? Protecting herself? From attaching to me? Maybe she felt that was my Mama's?
- I do have strong opinions about Adoptions rules and regulations in regards to the handling of our personal affects and how adoption impacts us mentally and emotionally. I've observed myself and others for years trying to figure it out.
- That I thought about my Mama all the time. And that I wanted her back. That I wished God would give her back to me. That I would be a good girl and help God make this world better to be the best I can. My feeling was if my Mama does me like this? And if folks feel this bad about it, but won't say anything about it? Or show their true feelings? It was my duty to update my Mama about what folks say about it. And I feel it needs to change.
- That I would just move on, when my Mama lives and is a very worthy person to know? But she needs some training on me. That I am different and that I need to show her the madness i this child and how God uses me all day long. Because I am adopted.
- That at sometime we all would be faced with my decision to ask that we all lay it down and to unite. I know what I am asking my Mama to do. And I do expect her to do it as her Christian duty. And I know that when she does. A huge blessing is coming to us all.
- I love my Mama. I'm crazy about her. Haven't I made that perfectly clear yet? Love is crazy. And love makes you do crazy things to get the attention of a lovely lady you rode around with for 9 months. I want to catch up!! And get real. Just like Mamas and daughters do? What good daughter wants her sister hating her? Or thinking she sick or retarded?
- I would be homesick. And sick. It takes the wind out of your sales. Like who can you trust if Mama did this to ya? This are the questions I was asked. Over and over? I know she has a reason. And at the time it seemed right? But does she agree now that she knows what it did to me? Would she change her stand? Maybe help change Adoption with this child? So kids can have the parents they are sent to?
- Also, that would only love one Mama? That I would completely understand why my Mama wants me to do that?
- I would grow up and go find her.
She did not have all this info at the time. But she does now. I wonder? Would she changed her mind and dare to love the child that found her? While we have time?
I don't have to choose. I can have both. If they both love me? And could see, they have shared my heart since two days old.
Once you read and get into the rhythm, you start to see what this is all about. Demolition of the old. Getting it out. And change. Health. Prosperity and family. I always clean things up before I start a new thing. Tie up loose end. Everyone know where I stand. I am a Capricorn, and we don't take no for answer when God shows us what is ours. Slow. Methodical, deconstruction of the old, and systematic rebuilding what is in plan view.
I am ready for Celebrations of how far we came, and being proud to be able to be completely full circle.