Did she expect me to come waltzing back into her life? Hell no. She payed me to rest in her mind. Gone. Dead. No way back from that kind of mind set. Or is there? That is exactly what I am attempting to find out.
I beta she is pissed as hell! Like what's wrong with my Adopted baby grown up now? She does not act like everyone's else's? And she sure does not act like they said she would! She wanted me? She wanted me?
I can imagine that's a pretty big pill as well to swallow. Or choke on? Did I realize I was doing this to her? By wanting her fully in my life? Hell no! I most certainly did not.
I really didn't know what to expect. I never met my Mama before. Let alone try to get real with her. It just a messy thing that I have to do. I want her to know, no matter what. I tell the truth as I see it. And I feel that is good. It's a firm foundation to build from.
And after our reunion I was just dismayed, year after year that she just kind of went on without me still, even though I am right where she can see me, she chose not too. I don't want her to feel like the outsider on my life anymore. Nor I of hers.
One thing I do know is I am an excellent friend. I am the kind of friend my Mama needed when she conceived me. One who would give her the straight shot. So she could maybe see what lay ahead for her, each way. Because there were other ways. But it was back in the day when a telephone was a appliance, not a modality. Meaning, we lived inside bubbles of consciousness.
But with the internet we are forever reminded, loud and clear how visible we truly are here. And that makes me think of God. And how God knows us, deeply, down even in the dark places we ourselves have forgotten about. God saw my Mama in her distress. And god helped her. And the child she sacrificed raising grew up to help her again.
That's a miracle as I see it. And I am not backing down. So that says a lot in all this mess I loved growing up, inside my head. I journeyed back. Trusting God had a plan. I surely don't know all the plan. But I can see that God would not wish for she and I and Mama Jean and my family to be like this. That I can see.
Telling your truth is challenging for sure. Because your truth comes up against another's truth as they know it. My truth trumps my families truth. That is clear. And they had no idea! They were going along on the boat of life living the script they always did, until
Bam!! Wam!! Bong! Here comes Belinda, messing with the script!! I crashed the family party by being, …..and showing up.
My Mama was gonna live on as though I was dead and still does from what I can see. She's so spun out she doesn't even know what to do. But I do. I know what to do. If she can just trust me.
I mean what's not to trust? Who tells such things for no reason? If I can tell her this? Imagine what my good thoughts are that are dying to be let out? Yeah. Below all this is love. And I know below my Mamas issues is love. We just gotta dig all the junk out so the good stuff can rise to the top.
I know Mama irritated with me. But I am not the enemy here. Adoption has that job as we work piecing our lives back together as best we can do that we can have a stronger more vibrant family in the end.
Mama may not have prepared. But she's got me. I prepared for it all. God trained me to come home by following my heart back to the precious woman I came from.
Those things I said? I lived those things I said, alone and without my Mama to set me straight. A child has no business trying to understand this with no help from those who are supposed to care for her. The ignorance of the times lead to this. I want folks to know. So they can make sure it doesn't happen to them.
Knowledge is power. If we stick our heads in the sand, what is gained at all?
Thanks for diving deep with me today.