The black widow bite healed and the pain subsided. And I fell good. I have a new respect for black widows now. And am thankful for my bodies ability to withstand such a thing. Thanks Mama.
See. There are so many things Mama I don't share like real Mama and daughters do. Adoption dictates that all my love and feelings go to my new Mama and family. But I have love and feelings for the family I came from. And I am expressing myself now. First the bad. Which covers up the good.
But there is good. And we all could see it or will see it when we get all this misunderstand out of the way. What I see is these days, no one knows how to clean up mental messes like ours. I mean no one wants it is conditioned to handle conflict and resolve it. People block, as if that is an option. It's not. It does nothing to help. And in fact it keeps folks the same as I see it.
- When folks don't talk and give up, nothing changes. It's like writing a letter, and not finishing it and putting it in a drawer, and expecting the one you should Have sent it to to get it. People seem to be a bit weak on communicating their dark side.
- Conflict means that communication was not successful. My eldest daughter is a linguist. And she tells me that the way you say something with some foreign words can make or break the conversation. I feel we all speak different languages and that we all have meaning placed on words or expressions.
- It up to us to keep expressing ourselves until other understand. I mean, look at Jesus. Jesus communicated truth and was hung on a cross for it. That's it. Jesus spoke out and got killed. Did anyone change? Did those Jesus called out change? Hell no. They did what my Mama is doing. Because she cut off from her heart. Yeah. She is. If she treating me like this? Houston we have a problem.
The pain from the black widow bite was not even enough pain to stop my mind and body from thinking and praying for my Mama. Seems kind of amazing. Because that bite was painful. So painful it would make my foot twitch without me doing a thing.
Adoptions like that bite. I was bit at 2 days old. And the pain began. Panic. Confusion. My mind was a whirl. Nothing really mattered. I've done a lot of things. Dance, majorette, piano lessons, miss Colusa county contest, rainbow girls, and I was inspired by nothing about it. I couldn't share it with my Mama. That's just how I felt inside. I told no one.
My Mama is my muse. Ok. No Mama, no muse. And to an artist like me, muse is key. And I really don't want my Mama and I like this, it depressing me to deal with day in and day out. Trying to get through that thick protective layer around her.
I mean if all I do is blog about it? Who is hurt physically? And yet she called the police on me? That's a warning sign. And why? What's the reason? My words? My feelings? I guess I just expected better from her. I expected her to recognize that I care. But she didn't. That's what makes me angry at Adoption for taking a perfectly good Mama and fucking her all up.
And subsequently fucking me up. My kid told me I used to talk very fast. Well, well. A winner here. Someone's speaking up. Like I had no realization that I did that. Thanks sweetie for helping me wake up as well. I don't talk as fast as I used too. And I have calmed down a lot.
But my desire to straighten this out with my Mama gets worse. The more I pray, the more I desire to blog and help her understand. I've been through a lot without her and it's caused me distress.
I'm not distress all day. Ok. But it's hard to not think about your Mama when you and she are like we are and she in her 70's. Time is key.
She may never read this and get it. I face that truth. And so even if she doesn't. I'll
Blog so that someone else can learn. If I can't help myself, someone else can be helped by reading the pitfalls of Adoption from The child perspective.
Right now I have to go fishing with my Man. It's a self care day. He has been totally gutting my daughters trailer and it's
Hot as hell here. So, it's time to go have some fun in the sun. As fun as it can be when you are so Homesick for your Mama, you can taste it.
Anyway. Thanks for diving deep today with me