I mean what really did I face loosening? By coming forward and speaking my mind? The woman I found is not the woman that left me. She's changed somehow. She is a bit up tight and rigid in her belief system.
I mean my thought was? Shall I Hold all this in to make everyone comfortable or shall I Stay bound up with all this trapped inside? Or shall I just let it out? Since Mama doesn't seem to care about me anyway?
Like I've played this Adoption game, by the rules laid down. And you're damn right I was upset when I realized what I'd been told growing up was a bunch of bullshit?
My Mama told me after 20 years that she did even look for me to come back and basically that she had written me off! I am sure she was shocked! I know she was. She just laid the phone down and just couldn't even responded. I cried so hard after that call. Like it hit me like a brick! It was a sucker punch.
Like How would you like it if you were an adopted child, being the best one you can, and in your heart, where dreams are made, you've dreamed of meeting your Mama, and you find out she just wrote you off? That's what being Adoptees like. Like wam! Think again little girl. Not so fast. Ba haaa! "You want your Mama do you?" Adoption says, "she's mine now, go find another". Just shew!!
Like what did I have to loose to speak up? She obviously gone, mind, body, and spirit. She gone. And I feel that all of life is part of our lesson here. People need to know what Adoption does to our Mamas. It is very traumatic. And healthy Mamas don't write their babies off. Ok? They don't.
If my Mama had been properly informed she would have known I would come back and she would have been ready for that coming home. But my Mama was not properly informed. She was so misinformed that she was found, by me, who did not know she was misinformed, with her pants down, unprepared. That sucks.
And what I do here is to prepare her. I work to educate her and my family about my side of this world she through me into. A world deeply with her and yet without her. A world beyond the glass wall that separates us. Me on the outside and she on the inside. And because I grew up with an artificial family, or a new family that my Mama created for me to grow up in without her, I grew up in a bubble, that made me feel like I was an observer, watching all the families as the interacted. I could see the difference between my new family and the other normal families. The difference was me. Because I felt different being this way. And I wanted so bad to go home, and had no home to go to.
Mama couldn't see all this in the 60's. True. Would you pray for her for me? She needs god's love and forgiveness for what she probably feels bad about now that she's finding out how I really felt, beyond her own very strong imaginings about me. I need prayer warriors to pray Gods will here.
Mama has free will. And she could decide to not join me for our days left to us. But what I figured is this;
If she really knew how I felt, if she really knew and could see that I never forgot her. Maybe, with Gods help and my honesty, she might, show up. She might, change her mind about it, if she had all the info?
If she doesn't? Well. I lost her once and lived. It wouldn't be easy, but I would still go on. There will always be a pain in the place I saved just for her, but I've had that pain for years.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.
Thank you lord. For loving me in spite of my humanness. Thank you for forgiving me when I miss the mark. Thank you for teaching me through all this and never letting go of me when I fly off the handle because it so intense telling everyone my personal thoughts so my Mama can see my heart that's connected to hers still. Thank you for the grace you have afforded me to live this life my Mama wanted me to live. And thank you for forgiving her for not seeing beyond my words. Lord, thank you for taking my Mama from me and allowing me to feel what that feels like, it's an intense feeling. And thank you for giving me a heart big enough to love two very unique woman that I call Mom.
Thank you lord for the time I have been able to speaks with my family before I broke down. I have the good memories to hold onto and remember when, I thought it might be real.