If I had anything to loose it was my past, with my Mama…

I mean if I can speak my truth and it upsets my Mama so much, she blocks me? Like maybe the truth I found out by being an adoptee is the issue, not me? I feel strongly that I am finally getting well adjusted, because I finally can speak things that I felt were taboo growing up because of the sensitive nature of adoption. The Mamas and Daddys we go to have lost something they have dreamed of, and there is a lot of pressure to preform as expected by the new parents, those new parents are different than the ones, or one, you just lived with for 9 months.

My Mama is colorful under all that starched white she wears to hide the heart she broke herself the day she left me behind. And I am blogging her to help her find her way back. It is so complicated that my siblings don’t even see what I see. People who have been in denial for years are hard to turn around, they do get rigid, not because they want to, but because they have to to survive.

My Mama has 4 daughters…. and more that did not come from her for sure. But to not accept me into her life fully, as her daughter raised by someone else, and to not wish to know all, and to bond like Mama and child is what I point at. This is an issue, houston. Children know how to bond to their Mamas, but well meaning people, get in the way. Like Adoption, got in my way and sent me on my way. Ive been wandering around this earth, living, learning, without my Mama filter, but through another woman filter. And I have many things I have learned beyond what my Mama would have taught me.

Loosing all this is helpful. Letting all my feelings out, with he words that describe them is the healthiest things I have done as an adoptee. And it feels good to validate myself in this way. She can’t see what I see either. I mean if she could see what I see, and if she knew what I could do to help, she would run towards me, her child, that came to love her, and came back to finish the job she could not do growing up because her life was altered and she was removed from her Mamas life, so I could not do what I came.

What is lost is lost, time has taken away what we could have had. I get that. But there is still time for us. There is time if we update and adjust to the new information that I have shared. Reporting this has been a challenge, I do not say that I did it perfectly, but I showed up and did my best. I did the best a turned around girl who loves her Mama dearly, and has wanted to come home to forever!

What we can gain from this interaction is clarity and resolve, to do better by each other now. WE can choose to do the work here, and to clear it all up. Things did not come out like I would have liked, but I did not edit any of it, so it was not polished, it was raw, as it came out, kind of intel. No grammar, no punctuation, just raw feelings flowing out of me, words, mixed with intense emotions, mixed with lies I was told and fought not to believe.

I am well. But I would have a more rounded, healthy life if I was attached back to my family fully. What does that mean?

  • Cards and calls from my family
  • visits and fun with my family
  • compassion from my family
  • empathy from my family
  • willingness to go here with me to help us all turn around and get it right.
  • sunsets and camping trips together without all this invisible gunk from whatever is between us.
  • I would like to know when Mama is sick
  • I would like to have my Mama call me once and awhile (I’ve spend so much money calling her over the years, it is about time she work a bit)
  • more letters from Mama about what she’s doing
  • visits were me and Mama cook together
  • trips with Mama, to the ocean with me and my children
  • Stories about family members, all the news about all my family
  • No more secrecy and exclusivity.
  • parties together celebrating whatever
  • maybe them coming to hear me sing in Vegas on Americas God Talent ( sure could use some help)
  • My siblings being proud of me for being so strong
  • my sisters rallying around me as their sister, protection like sister do for eachother
  • my family coming down to visit me, bbq’s, food, fun, and love
  • deep sharing times where we open up and allow each other in, and healthy interactions slathered in love, and care.
  • I would like my sisters blessing. Can they bless what Mama made?
  • I want my sisters to adore me, and to adore them. I do adore them, I just don’t like how they are acting right now, I am sure they don’t like how I am acting either, but the difference is I show up, willing to work. It is time.

Did I expect to have to verse them? No. They don’t know shit about adoption except what the world said, or Mama. That is just not cutting the mustard for me, their sister.

This is what I stand to gain, when they finally get it. But it is complicated as I keep saying, and peoples thoughts are powerful, what my family is thinking about me is having a powerful affect on them and is keeping them from trusting this process. It would seem that the counselors they have are not training them at all? They are not practicing what they should be learning from their counselor. Many people do that. They just dump on the counselor and the counselor just files it where no one is helped at all. What is helped when you rant to someone who does not even know me and is only getting one side of the story?

I am ranting in front of everyone. So people can see. If I don’t share, no one sees, which is the problem I see. No one can see, because we the adopted have been struck silent.

 

So loosing is not much, I have lost it all. Now I am gonna get it all back like Gods word tells me. And you can judge me for how i am doing it, or you can see how important it is, so important that I bared my heart here in hopes.

 

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