You could say she made an impression on me. Yeah. My Mamas pretty amazing.
What the hell do you think I am so upset about?
Adoption, the system and the ideals it has said to stand for are not what we the mushrooms of this have experienced.
And if one family is struggling, or if one child struggles to adjust, then taking a look is the appropriate action.
I did not adjust well. No one even saw an issue. Doctors were baffled by my health issues.
I knew. But everyone was so happy. And no one cares about me and my Mama. All I could do was survive and pray God would lead me home.
Maybe I am the only one? But I feel if one is affected then we need to take a closer look at the system and make sure that every child is protected. But, I know I am not the only one. And that's kind of what drives me. Is the thought that my report could change it for another child. Maybe their Mama will hear about me and change her mind.
My Mama made a deep impression on me. And an even deeper one when she left. I've pondered this world about it.
I am the daughter who was adopted. But I am still her daughter. That never changed for me. I loved as Mama Jeans daughter knowing and feeling I was still my Mamas daughter. My mind did not accept the change and removal of my Mama from my life, and all memories of her have been lovingly stored in my heart. I am a living tomb stone for the woman I lost.
A tomb stone is not a dead person. A tombstone is the advertisement of who is buried within. Yep. She's buried inside me, trying to get out and talk sense to herself. Because she's kind of blind from living life without me to mirror that part of herself back to her. She's shocked. Both parts of her. Me and here. One part that's in me that she buried alive too. It's complicated. If she's reading this she will know I am inside her brain. And hopefully know that I always have been. She never let go either. I have always felt her with me, but we need to build on our physical bond as well while their is time.
I believe we are worth it
This is deep guys. My Mama buried the part of her that is me 54 years ago. And it takes a lot of mental force to maintain such a position with the kind of bond we have. It's magical and intense. And Ive switched the script on her. But she needs to know that I have full faith she's gonna make it. I'm leading her home to me.
That's how messed up this is. You have to help your Mama recover balance. She so off from loving you from afar. All the feelings just rush back and knock her down. My Mama, was completely blasted. Our Bond is strong. My bond with Mama Jean is equally magical. My Mama would have no less.
My Mama needs to know and trust me. And I feel that God wishes for her to accept and embrace all of herself, including me and including how I came, including how I responded to being adopted, how she responded to adoption, and to see that God is showing all that I dealt with, but we are both stuck looking at the so called struggles. And we definitely need to validate our struggles and pour each other's love over it. For Christ. For the cross. For the blood.
Why would God have us hide our light? Look at this! We've been through a lot! Without each other. Why speaks another day apart?
I forgive you of it all. I know. It's hard to talk about. Maybe now it will be easier. You are a pioneer Mama. With me. Pioneers of truth. The truths we've held onto each other. No one put what god brought together asunder. Not for me.
I love my Mama. Even if she thinks I hate her. God will show her the method in my madness. Xo