And I know I am right. Why? Because we have lived separated for years physically. And yet have stayed connected mentally, and spiritually. Like where do I get this faith of mine from? After my A-parents divorced, we stopped going to church. Mama Jean, their was no place in the church for she and I. They were not prepared yet to help Divorcees.
My Mama shot for a target. But society and adoption officials at the time, did not give her the whole coordinates to hit that mark. I feel that had she had the information that I report now, then? She surely would have adjusted her stand and maybe shot different. If she knew then that I would feel like this then? I know. Yep. She would have done differently. Cuz she's a good smart person. She's just been misinformed. And I'm clearly that up for her.
If Adoption is love? Why did I not get the message? Could Adoption being leading young trusting woman astray? That is precisely what I point out here with my life experience and my Mama acting so wigged out. Or is Adoption God letting us practice our free wills and letting us see the consistencies if those action from those wills we have. Was my Mamas will for God? Or was it for protecting herself and in fact not trusting that God had a plan for us?
- These are the questions swirling in my mind these days looking at all that's transpired and my families actions and lack of actions say a lot. What do they wish to say to their sister? I do wonder why they hold it in? Do they not see my invitation to the table of honesty? Do they not see me turning our Mama on her god fearing ear to stop this secrecy in our family? Holy Cow it complicated.
- Our family is a blessed family. Even though it's been hard for Mama and me. And Mamas struggle needs to be validated as well and it's not. Well it hasn't been.
- If she processed her grief about me and is fine, should she teach me? Like if I am struggling and she's doing good, should she show me her process as my Mama?
- See? Adoptions got holes in the support for kids who had adjustment issues and were not supported by the system that moved them, because no one at the time knew how it affected us, or could identify the signs.
- I saw well meaning people try to help me. And me just wishing I could say without hurting anyone's feelings that I needed my Mama. And wanted to just go home. I've said it now at age 54. That's how long it took me to get the courage up to call Mama!!