As long as I can remember Ive dreamed of the day when I would be able to have my Mama back. This probably sounds a bit crazy to most folks. But I am not most folks. I am an adoptee who has been homesick for years.
And as we can clearly read here. Or maybe not so clear to many, my Mama doesn't get it and I am pretty upset about it. See, back when I was growing up, and still to this day, people don't see us, Adoptees as people, humans, with needs that maybe someone on the outside can't see or comprehend. I've felt the need for my Mama for years.
And though I have learned to cope with this urge people seem to want to dismiss, I have been waiting For someone to just get it. But, people are not that bright, or in tune with a child's need for their Mama, especially if you are adopted at birth. You can try to show them the hurt. But they really don't want to consider that maybe all your problems stem from your need for your Mama. No. they really don't want to do that kind of Math.
Because if they did consider that maybe children who have been adopted might not want the change in their lives. And well meaning folks at churches and government offices have spent years digging into the bellies of young woman who just don't realize what this road will send their child down. We suffer. Or at least I did.
But my wounds were not physical, even though they appeared to be. I was home sick. And I wanted my Mama. I know, now, by my own Mamas response that my chances are slim. And that the odds are stacked against me. But, I weren't this way anyway. I just could not take another day, of stuffing my truth, or of being poo poo'd for speaking of my Mama to friends and family, of my need for her being dismissed and ignored. I've been ignored for years.
And really as a child from the 60's, private adoption, and illegitimacy, what chance in hell did I have that anyone would even listen to me and grant me my desire? None. Or I would have taken it.
I am 54 now. And my chances are getting slimmer and slimmer. God alone is my hope. As you can see, my story is so complex, and filled with every other persons opinions, that have seemed to have had to matter more than my own. And so I speak now for educations sake. I speak of my experiences and opinions from being ignored for so long.
I think many times. As I have considered my options about this. And going this way is a risk that I had to take. My Mama may
Not get it. It appears she may not wake up from the brainwashing of the 60's until now. I imagine it's just to much and she must block me out to save herself from going mad that her baby felt this way.
And I imagine she feels maybe still unable to show up and be herself to me. She may feel that she is saving me from some monster she thinks she is to me, or me to her. It's quite complex. And quite half sided since she will not open up to me. What right do I have to demand an explanation of her? My rights to do anything with or about her have been taken away at birth by her and the state I was born. Who am I? Now? Or ever?
But I will write my feelings out. I will express myself to the best of my abilities until every child is safe. If my story can steer a girl, woman, person to keep their child and believe they can raise them just as well as a person with money and influence can. That Adoption takes nothing away from a child except their name and Mama and family. The stain of illegitimacy is not erased. With Adoption stamped on us forever, we all know we did not come here with permission. We were less than ideal.
I gave birth to a surprise child myself. Of course I told God in prayers long ago to send me my children when I was ready. My youngest came soon after I had potty trained my first two children. Sure. I wanted a minute without diaper changing. 4 years is what I got between her and her brother. But I was ready for her. Because she came. And I am glad she came to be my daughter.
Each child adds to your life. This is what I have learned. And I shutter to think. Well I shutter right now as my baby girl is not a part of my life these days. She has blocked me too, like my Bio Mama is. And I know she has been an amazing person in my life. I know that she has made me a better person as all of my children have. People do that, make you better if you show up and keep trying until you get it.
I never got to add to my Mamas life. Well. Very little these days. But I feel she is lacking. I mean the facts are right here in front of us. She's missing a piece of herself and she's so brainwashed she can't see it.
I write here so people can see into a real Adoptees life. Real meaning, I'm showing you my truth and telling it like I see it and showing you our struggles. Even though my Mamas real reclusive. Can you blame her with people telling me the things I've shared here? Yeah. She knows what folks feel and think. She's no fool. Hiding me was best for her. But I took another road. I did not assimilate to adoptions standards. I never forgot her. I did not comply to adopt a demands.
I have a Mama. And now thanks to adoption. I have two. That's a lot to dump on a kid. That's a lot to expect me to deal with at so young. That is a whole lot of hurt to cause me, just to have a child, or not have a child. And that's a lot to expect me to grow up normal, when their is nothing normal about this. Ok.
Folks get so upset I say such things. But excuse me. I've played the quiet game long enough. I've seen your hand. Now let me show you mine. And this game, Is just getting started. Adoptions been playing with my life long enough. It's time to take it back and state how I feel about it all.
This is really nothing knew that I say. I've felt this way for years. I've come to terms with the fact that I may not get what I want. But I will speak up so that maybe. Some other child will.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.