One thing I do know, as long as I can remember, I have loved pen and paper. I love pencil and paper. I love paper. And I love fonts, and beautiful stationary. I have loved to write and fill things out forever. I don’t know why? I just do.
My Mama writes on lined paper in different colors, she has very nice hand writing. Easy to read. And her letters are many pages long. I miss those letters she used to send me and I could read all about her life. I still have those letters. I don’t read them these day, it upsets me.
I write here to process my experiences. And to get my emotions out. I have held so much in all these years, trying to find my voice, its time for me to own my unique experience. And it time for me to report my unique experience. My Mama was the most important person who needed to know, and well, getting to her is like trying to get into fort knox, so I guess I just felt that maybe, all this could maybe shed some light on the reunion process for my Mama and me.
Whether my family gets it is really not something I truly can make happen. It is up to them to educate themselves and to report their side as well. It is up to me to tell them, its up to them how they respond. My responsibility is to tell them, and their responsibility is to respond, or not, in this case so far. But I can suggest strongly that they do respond. I mean I give good feedback and most folks that don’t listen and heed it, well, come to me later and say something like, “I should have listened to you”, or they say something like, I did not see what you were saying, but I do now, and I say, I didn’t lie to you did I? And I feel that by doing that I win trust and trust is hard to win. Its easier on yourself to just tell a white lie and avoid all this that you see me going through. Please want praise, they want to be liked. I, want to be trusted and respected, as an honest counsel that the people who come to me know, I will not just tell them what they want to hear, I tel them what they need to hear. That, is a very challenging road to take. But the other road makes me feel slimy, and yucky inside.
Over the years, growing up, I lied. I lied, and was really good at it. I did not like lying. Because lying takes work, it takes a lot of memorizing what you said, and remembering what you said as truth. And I could do that very well, I lived as the child of one Mother, who was adopted at birth. And on the surface, I was by all appearances, happy and well, adjusted. The years of lying were in my teens, but when I found christ, I worked on
A lot of people have not liked my feedback and tell me to butt out. And they usually regret it, don’t ask me why? I tell folks what I feel about it, and then let go. It is their choice, who am I to tell them what to do? but I can tell them my impressions and give them good feedback even if its not what they want to hear. At least hearing my impressions gives them a perspective maybe that they did not consider? Well, and when they see that I did not lie, I have won trust.
I have a few impressions about his world and family. Being an adoptee has given me a unique perspective and lens to view the world from. Growing up, I experienced many things that many children are not exposed to. Many of those things have been fun, enjoyable, yes. But the balance of fun and enjoyment was always off because I had to experience such good things without being able to share them with my Mama. It is challenging to face such things at such a young age and no one to honestly guide me through, except God of course.
Thank God for God as my on board navigational system. Ive felt God everyday of my life. And I felt God guiding me a long life way, helping me to grow and learn from this life. I have felt many things that are spoken of in the bible and connected to Christ. I have felt alone, condemned, rejected, refused, invisible, denied, under appreciated, and yet, Mama Jean has loved me as best a stranger could. I mean no harm to say such a thing. I am a stranger too, she and I have been learning each other for years. Its been a lot of work for us. I want to be a good adopted daughter to her. I can not be her daughter, from birth, with her DNA and mannerisms and genetics, but I can be the best that a child from another woman can do.
Mama Jean has carved a space into my being. And that space is just hers. I have many good memories we share together. And there is love there inside my heart for her. She did not save me from a life with a bad Mama. She did not save me from a system thats broken, she did not save me from anything. She just showed up to do a job, a job my own Mama could have done. But for some reason did not. What that full reason is, I will only know when I hear it from her lips. I have feelings about why, but I did not speak at birth and so I only know the vibrations of the words that match the feeling I felt. When she utters the words I will recognize them as truth.
I process her in front of everyone to show my uniques process. I process grief here, pain here, confusion here, and hope that won’t go away. Hope is a powerful energy. Hope is fuel for the dreamer who dares to dream of more. So that is why I process.
There is so much that I have not processed for lack of support. There is so much information that I have had to process and did not get processed as long as I was living a lie after my reunion. There is so much information that is missing in my family tree. My Mama for one is missing from my tree, hell she’s the root system.
Writing is a way for me to get out my feelings that have been trapped for the lack of support for my needs that were not even seen and still are not fully seen. Adoptions has told my family so much that is not matching what I have experienced and I work to help educate my family as to the truth from my own experiences. It is a challenge to educate people who think they know it all. I don’t hate them for thinking they know it all. But I do disagree. They surely are lacking my side.
I write here in hopes that I will get through to them and you, society. I write to educate people about my world in adoptions system. I write to open the veil of secrecy that has kept my Mama bound to silence for years about her baby girl. I write to break open the doors on this pandoras box, so healing can come to us, and to a world that thinks this truly is the best way.
My Mama has held her ground as best she could. I do not blame her, even though some of my posts have been interpreted so by my Mama and family that agrees with her. What my family does not see is a hurting woman, a wounded Mama, a scared human who just wants the best for us. And it is not easy, because I am coming up against not them, but the thoughts that they hold and they don’t know the difference, which means I need to educate them.
Proverbs 12:1 – Whoso loveth instruction loveth knowledge: but he that hateth reproof [is] brutish.
Proverbs 9:9 – Give [instruction] to a wise [man], and he will be yet wiser: teach a just [man], and he will increase in learning.
Proverbs 4:5 – Get wisdom, get understanding: forget [it] not; neither decline from the words of my mouth.
I wish to be wise too. And my Mama has the information to help me with that as we lay our old relationship to rest and I step into the role I was originally cast in her play. MY sisters need to step up and step down. They need to, as christians display christlike character and to do this with me. Yes, this is crazy. And my method unorthodox, but I have never done this yet, so I am new at this thing. your love and support will be most appreciated as you guide me into my role as your sister and friend. Your wisdom will be embraced and considered deeply as I step up to be our Mama child, adopted, but home.
I am standing here if you will, in the world wide web, ready, for instruction from you my sisters. Who do you want to be to me? Who do you want me to be to you? I am not going away. OK? That is not a choice. So, lets roll our sleeves up lady’s, and lets get going and lets make Mama proud she gave me away. I have tales to tell and I want to hear yours without me. I want to cry, yell, jump, pray, hear, feel and do all that we can with our time left her. What are you scared of? Ive told it all. And look, we are still here, living lives and loving our kids, but we are just not sharing it with each other.
Do you guys think Mama wants us like this? She is going to test you, even if she doesn’t realize it. She will get you ready for me. But it is you that needs to step up and do this work with me. What are you saying? YOU can’t learn? I can learn. I am ready to learn you all. I am ready to be the best sister you could get at the age of 54. I am now myself fully. And I am ready for you all.
Our Mama deserves us to get together and show her her sacrifice was not in vein. Ok? Her life matters to me deeply and I am her child. I care for her reputation matters to me. Ive been taking the heat for years about our Mama, and why she left me. Is that not enough dear sister? I have worked to be a good person, money does not move me. Its fun to spend, yes. But I work for appreciation and to make a difference in people lives. This is part of what I do here.
Teamwork means taking the honest bad review. Let us be a team. Let us turn this into a testimony for our whole family and christ’s restorative power. Our story is savable, by us. Let us lay our fleshly ideas down, and grab love, family and words that can articulate and steer us towards our ultimate desire. This is not going away, because God put it on our plate the daY I was conceived.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.