This thing has gone on long enough. We go on day to day with our scripted lines and we read them and place feeling in the words and life is good. Or so we think, until change knocks on the door. And it's not really a new change you see. It's an old change that just stalled at the gate.
I the message was to young at the time to make sure the message was received and that the change happened, but I was intercepted for a while. Messages sometimes get lost in the mail you know. And I was so lost, for so long. Singing a song in my heart, for a woman. A melody for about the woman I came from.
As a child I sang a lot. I sang in the fields where I grew up to the woman who Bore me, my Mama. I Made up song to my Mama, from her daughter, filled with loving intentions and prayers. I sang to mary at the top of the Catholic Church in town and would sit inside the church and just feel the presence that would meet me there. And I would remember my Mama, there within the walls of a church that represented my Mama. I did not know it at the time, consciously, my Mama was a Catholic.
And I am grown now. Ive read the scriptures that tell me God hears my prayers and saves my tears. Their have been many a tear for the Mama I knew. But the tears for her have been stuffed inside me for so long, their healing balm not yet released. They had no where to go except into my broken heart that pines for her.
These tears were for her. Held within her child. And I have lived off the juice of those salty tears for years. My pain of loss, so deep inside the pool of tears I held within. Because, they told me, we don't cry. They, you ask, are those who's words trained me. So I held them in. For fear of appearing weak. I suffered alone, well not entirely, Christ was there. And still is.
But as I have let every single one out, and allowed them to sing their melody over my life I feel a release, and a self validation. As I stand up and tell my story, however jumbled it is, a light comes on and hope springs within me. Whether my Mama gets it is not my task. I was sent to sing my love song for her and every other Mama out there. As a warning. And as a testimony of a child's heart.
I bring the message that,
- You matter
- You are important
- You are meant to love us, no matter how we come
- You are strong enough
- The universe will support you, pray and believe.
- We love you and are looking to you alone for guidance.
- Learn, read and educate yourself. We need smart Mamas.
- Find other like minded woman to surround yourself with a support network.
- It's hard. Yes. But we must unite and stand up for a woman's gift to create and protect the lives of the souls that come from those gifted woman. Those woman are the trainers of the children they bare.
- We feel it all, we hear it all. We learn about the world from you first. Inside you first. That is our base. You are our base.
- Life is crazy. Don't make it any more crazy than it is for your child. Show up
- It's worth it. We at worth it. And you are worthy.
My Mama made the best choice she could. She's not so pleased that Adoptions claims were false about her precious baby. But I survived and thrived. And that my Mama can't seem to see that and make the adjustments in her own calculations means that what Adoption told her is way off. Way off.
I feel if we the children with the experiential research gleaned from our own living of it don't stand up and speak, we've learned nothing. There is a way out of our societal imposed incarceration, through the mind of every child, we all know the way home. We just have to speak, cry, and tell our truths so that those who are blind to it can see. Our experiences are light on this dark thing.
And dark is not evil. Ok? It's just that I see darkness is ignorance. Ignorance on the part of a society so disconnected from itself that it can not see us. The children going through this. Our cries were silenced by a society that could not see our pain. Pain from relinquishment and separation from our tribe, and our Mamas.
Ignorance is darkness. Education is light. My experience is my light to
Shine upon this. So that we can see what was and is and do better. That is the love of this
Child. Working to make the world a safer place for my sister and Mama. And whom ever conceives. Children matter. A woman's gift to conceive and bare offspring matters.
My Mama has told herself for 54 years she is not my Mama. And I the child relinquished say," you ere dear lady, you are my Mama and you do matter, you did matter and you will always matter to this child." I have lived like this for her. And for God. Of course. And God has granted me access to her. God has made a way, through me. Because I dared to trust, gods words that says the truth will set you free, and because I speak my truth to show her, so she can have all the evidence and information so she can see me as who I have always been. Her child.
My allegiance is to both my Mama's now. And I claim them both. And it is they, that now need to adjust to that.
Thanks for diving deep with me
God bless. Xo