Without Christ I just would have died.

Without Christ in my life to help me along this argues pass called adopted. I've walks a tight line. Ive followed the strict rules. Ive had no contact with my Mama. As Adoption dictates. Ive grown up without my family and my Mama. I learned to and am a loving daughter to my Mama. I am as loving as a strangers daughter could be to my Mama Jean that my Mama Linda gave me to.
Without Christ. Without the scriptures to hold onto, I surely would not have found her. God has a plan for us. And reuniting is part of it. My poor Mama acts like it's strange her baby came home with such a report. And I really did not want to tell her. But Christ within me deemed that I tell the truth. Without my truth we were a lie.
Without my experiential truth we were just playing roles that at reunion were now no more. And that's what I saw with me and my Mama. We played roles before our reunion. And our reunion means that we don't have to play those roles anymore. We can pick new roles. New roles are available. And have been.

But what I've seen is that we did not change in our minds. We needed to share our experiences with each other. And my Mama just is having a real hard time doing that. What I see is she buried all her feelings, alive. Now why do I always alive? Well, that's the thing about it. When ever I go see my Mama, she gets triggered. She reacts. She reacts to me, to my words, and to my actions.

And her reactions to me tell a story. A story my siblings can't see cuz they were raised by her. They are to close to it to see it. But I am close to it too. I'm so close to it that I am it. My mama has years of feelings about me with nowhere to go, or it would seem? But the truth is I am here and those feelings can go towards me. But they don't go towards me, cuz they are covered. Those feelings a Mama has for her child are covered in lies that hold them down and do not let them escape and find theirs way to me.

My Mamas been rerouting her feelings for years. She pouted those feelings into my sisters. Of course she did. She couldn't give them to me now could she? And contrary to my siblings mindset, our Mama has feeling towards me, but they stuck under years of this and that. Her feelings are stuck inside a Mama who relinquished. And I think that's sad.

It looks like by my Mamas actions that she wants me to go. But I know that's just not right. Of course she wants what she thinks is me to go. That's the thing. She thinks all this is me? But it's not. It's just what was poured into me while she was gone. And she got some stuff that needs to go so we can see each other for who we really are. Which is Mama and daughter.

Adoption makes it hard for us children to come home. Our Mamas have been brainwashed by this system. They have been indoctrinated by this system. They signed their rights away. And that's huge. So huge not even I can break the signatures affect. But Christ can.

My truth and Christ can turn this around. Grace covers all. But to gain mercy and grace we must first confess our missed marks. I have confessed. All. And my Mama has confessed close to nothing. But with Christ's help, we will make it full circle. Christ has a plan. For us both. I feel it's together. I just have to prove it. Cuz Mama isn't not going to change without my commitment to that.

How does an adoptee prove their love and devotion to their Mama? When the world told her you were a mistake and she lived that lie for 50+years? How does a child come home and prove her worth and the worth of her Mama? How? You see me working here? How?
I really don't know. How? But God does. And I am confessing the best I can. Mama's got some wild ideas about me for sure. And she's got some crazy ideas about what I felt growing up without her. For sure. She simply thought she was invisible. She carried me inside her and thought I would not notice? Who thinks that? Mama's who relinquish, that's who. They've been fooled, lied to, and raped by a system and don't even know it. She trusted a system. And a system is not god.

Without Christ in my life I would surely shrivel up and die. I owe finding my Mama to Christ. Christ lead me home. And I simply don't want to squander that gift. So why all the truth? Like I've been saying, it's the context my Mama needs to get me. And her content is mine to understand her.

She's really a good woman. She's doing her best. I know. But change has been in our lives for 24 years. Yep. Change came the day I made contact. That my Mama wasn't happy I made contact should tell and show you that she's got some junk in her trunk. Like hello. But people get used to things, even bad things. Or unhealthy things. And us being like this is not healthy.

With Christ I've learned you can love more than one Mama. With Christ I've learned that your Mama is your Mama til you die. With Christ I've learned that Children bond to their Mamas, even when they are adopted away. That time and space did not change my love for her, it only made me love her more. Why? Cuz obviously she needs it? To be like this with me shows me that's she hurting inside, so deep, so intense, my family can't see it. But I do. I see.

Cuz I've been inside that woman. Ok? Years have not erased the memories my
Mind and Body and spirit shared with her. God did not wipe my hard drive if that. Why would God send me to her? And why would God just make me forget her? She's in the equation. Has always been there. Tucked in my DNA and in my brain. She's there.

My sisters think they know our Mama. But. Obviously they didn't and still don't. Cuz how did they miss me? I came out of no where and they did not even know. Wow! Like wow! And they act like they know what Mama needs and nothing's getting better? Hmm? Guess they are just brainwashed too. Thinking the woman that's loved them, didn't have another child. But she did and does. A sister no doubt.

So my side is needed if they ever want Mama settled down. And they need to step up and help her with it. She needs their support. Jealously and worry have no place here. I've been a part of you alls life. Just not physically. I've been the ghost in Mamas head. Quietly living there. And Mama would go there with me as she prayed and went through what must have been painful reminders each day, that I was gone.

Wake up sisters! Christ brought me home. You can scoff. You can doubt. But I am disappointed you have not learned the lesson Mama wanted to teach the day she left me. If you can't love me, your sister, now a stranger, what good is your relationship with Christ? If we are unwilling to work this out? What is Christ to us? What is Christ power to us? And is Christ pleased with us.
I'm not perfect. I never said I was. But at least I am honest. Honest is all we have to hold to and build from. This all will get worked out if we allow Christ to do what's here. Reunite.

Well. I'm glad Christ is her with me while I work to work it out. I am glad that Christ covers my missed marks as I confess them.

Thank you Christ for helping me adjust and come clean. Thank you for giving me the strength to come clean. Thank you for forgiving me for loving my Mama. And for showing me it's ok to do so. That I don't have to play by Adoptions rules anymore. I am grown and have a choice. And thank you for helping me turning my Mama around. Amen.

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