When I was still asleep

When I was still asleep about Adoptions affect on me. When I was still turned around and just following the path as instructed and taught. I was not full aware of the consciences of adoption. Adoption means no way home. Or at least that is what I am reporting today. Today. I am further away from family than ever. And it hurts. Now that I am awake and feeling the full force of Adoptions sting on me.
As I stare at my phone. With no texts from
My sisters. As I look at my email. No emails from them either. They are to busy for me. I'm such a mess. They have no time for that. But they have time. Yes. But they don't want to speaks it on us. They just want peace and quiet.

I guess? Not sure. Just a feeling I have.

When I look with eyes wide open I see a family. I see what is biologically my family. I wonder if the courts count biology now? I wonder if blood matters now? That I am grown? And what them back? I wonder what the law would say today? As I the child in question stands up to say how she felt about it all? Would they agree? Or would the law deny me too?
With so many folks in my cookie jar. Who knows. Who knows? God does. Yes.

Maybe God can turn it around? Is God big enough to now give me what I want? Since God gave my Mama what she wanted? Is my free will good enough for God to grant me what I wish and long for? Not sure if God hears me. My Mama seems to have Gods ear? She says she does?

She told me I was a devil. And that I practiced blasphemy. I am out of line. Yep. mama. I stepped out of line. Your right? From a line you put me in. And I have made my win line now. I have my story to
Back me up. My experiences are valid even if you don't believe me. Time is on my side. Folks will see soon enough. My people are tired.
Of sleep walking to make folks comfortable while we have lived torn up, rearranged, moved, and relinquished lives. And it's just got to stop.
I am done with being brow beaten by gratitude. I am tired of being
Guilted to back down on my stand for fear of hurting the feelings of crazy folks that did me like this. I am tired of folks not getting it.

So the only way to find a new way is to make a new way. That's what I am doing. Straight up. Honest reporting from my Wounded heart. And my Mama may not ever get it. She's pretty turned around. And messed up. And not getting any encouragement from My siblings.

Like they have not even helped her find the silver lining in this? They never gave me a party? What family does that? I'll tell you, an Adopted family. If I had been kept. Like they were, I would have maybe gotten a party and a welcome
Home. But adoption. Takes that away cuz your now, on paper and in your Mama's
Mind, no longer the child she bore. You're Pinocchio. Your a weirdo who just shows up at her house for stuff. Your a stray cat who's welcome will
Never come. Because of Adoption.

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