You know. This whole thing is weird. "What is weird?" you say? This whole thing. Getting so upset. Blowing up on here. My Mama and family blocking me. Them not understanding me and me not understanding me?
I am sure glad I have Christ. Folks want to say that when you're acting a certain way, like being upset, that the devil has that person. What does this mean? Is the decile now living inside of me? After I gave my heart to Christ? The devil can just take over? Wow!
And I guess I thought. Silly me. That my Christian family would understand. Yep. I know. Silly huh? I thought that my family being of a Christian faith, would have the love of Christ in them. Yeah. I know. That is a pretty lofty idea.
I've lived my life and grown up like my Mama wanted. And when I turned 18. I had an urge that would not go away. An urge that had been locked inside me. That urge was to find my Mama and one thing I wanted was to know her side.
My Mama did not prepare for me. That's a big one folks. Any Bio Moms out there, need to know that we most likely will search for ya. Ok. We don't just write you off as a donor. No.
some do subscribe to the psychosis of that. Some hide away in that mentality. I, could not.
I just did not fit with that. It was like a box I was placed in as an infant and I just grew out of it. It appears that my Mama wants me to stay in that box forever and she does not realize that I'm grown. And I have a mind of my own now. A mind that has battled with relinquishment sting for years. A mind that's stronger than any lie that would swallow me up.
I'm glad I have Christ during this crazy time. My Mama's got Christ too. And that's what's got me baffled. We have Christ. And we are like this? What is this all about? I wonder and pray. Lord? What is this? Why have I blown up like this? Why are my words not making her see?
Where are you Christ in this situation and why are my family and me like this? I surely do not want this. But there are two side of this coin. I see that. And I have shown my side. Yes. And it has not been easy to show that side. It's taken a lot of energy to pull out my ugly truth I hid for years.
And I marvel. All the scriptures. All the hymns. All the prayers. All the Bible studies. And here me and my Mama and family are. Where is God here? Because God is everywhere? I see a lot of fear in my Mama's camp. Cuz if she was on solid ground she would not be like this.
What is solid ground I ask myself? Well. Truth is what I feel solid ground is. It's a base. My Mama's holding onto every awful thing I've said. She's taken it personally. Hmm? Kind of like me? So. I must admit. I did take this personally. Adoption. Yes I did. I took it very personally. And to show my Mama my side, what I just wanted was her to get what I've been through. I wanted her to have the context of my story line. So when I do act strangely she will understand what I've been through and maybe cut me some slack.
I surely would like to and have cute her 24+ years of slack. That's a lot of slack. I've been patient. I've been kind. I've worked to send letters and gift to her and to open up a real, live, honest relationship.
But what we had was fake. It was reversed and was restricted. I want all of my Mama back you see. What kids Mama is not crazy now and again? Like hello. And rift now me and my Mama are crazy.
My Mama and myself may never make it to honesty and a lasting relationship. That's a fact I face each day. She just may not be able to jump the fence of her previous thought process.
I wonder. Why adoption does this to us? Why when we are adopted out, our Mama's clearly not given the whole Intel on what it truly means to relinquished, why we come home to such messes. I feel talking about it shows a systematic issue with the system we call healing and adoption. Ok.
I can't go back into that box. I'm out of the box now. No going back. Guess I'll have to accept that my Mama may never recover and come back to her sense. You know. The ones she gave away with me? Yeah. Those.
But the best I can do with this messed up thing is let you all see it. Maybe, if folks knew, how it really is for us, when we go home, maybe folks would maybe adjust their high and might Ing thinking they do us favors by taking our Mama's away.
I know. There are kids who are adults now, who's Mama's were bad. They are messed up, folks say. But what I'm saying is, look at me. Adoption supposedly saved me? Right? For what? From what? And what, as you look at my words about it, has it
Helped? I am more upset today! Look at my family! Look at my Mama. Look at my daughter. This. Does. Not. Look. Like. It. Helped.
In fact. It's more complicated now. Just what I needed. Two crazy Moms. Yep. Guess I did.
So don't be calling me crazy. Ok. I know who's my Mama. I found her. And I act and look much like her. And what did this really do? Hmm?
It put off the inevitable. What is so scary about me? Really?
Thank God I have Christ. It helps me to know that God is on my side. And that God is helping me through this. God is helping us all through this rough time. I am grateful for grace. And that God gives me many second chances. Maybe God will help my Mama do the same.