We do need help.

And help behinds at home. So let’s help ourselves by clearing all those dumb things people say out of ignorance, with out truth.

As I see it silence may be golden. But it changes nothing. Our stories show the truth that people need to see. So that they can see what we are trying to shed light onto.

We know what Adoption means to you. But what it means to us is another thing. How Adoptions made many of us feel is an j

Portent telling point for us all to learn and grow from. Change demands review. Review give us a more complete view the affect Adoption has in fact had, and our life stories about how we perceived it dispels the myths that are a pain in our adopted asses.

If you struggle to understand what I mean.

Read Primal Wound for content and context. A link is below:

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child https://www.amazon.com/dp/0963648004/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_uRFMzbXKH8BFB

If you can’t understand this book? Then take a moment to realize that this is what we struggle with. We don’t understand why we feel the way we do? And we live with a pain no one can see. It’s hard to describe. It’s so deep that many of us just dance around it, trying not to irritate it.

I made it to the place where I could identify what was causing it. I have been in mourning for years. I had not processed my intense feelings and bond with my Mama. She’s so strong she carried my my whole life in secret she prayed for me. That’s love.

What folks say is their truth. My Mama needed to hear and read the truth from her girl. What does what others say about us have any bearing on how I truly felt growing up? And my Mama needs to get used to being loved like I love her. Seriously. It’s intense. I won’t deny it.

I feel my love will calm down as I am with her more and my body can relax. I mean we all feel better when we are with our Mama. I have two. And one has been absent for years. And my Body is saying it’s time to spend more time with my Mama I came from. And I do admit I feel better after my vista as I have said before. And I wish people would see me as her child as well. I never was not her daughter inside. I feel that I am now more fully who I am, which is the daughter of two strong woman.

I want to celebrate that. And who can celebrate that kind of pinnacle when we have not made it yet? If my Mamas are not united, I am not united. I am resolved to ask for what I wish. And I do expect my family to support this change. I do feel we are ready. And that we will succeed.

I have shown all the bad we may have been dealing with. Harped a little to toughen us up about it, so we can learn to accept it as part of our life. My sister needed to Mom up and own her stuff. Tell her kids. She needed to not be like me and Mama. I want better for her. She really is a great person. It’s part of her story and has become a driving force that has help molded her.

Our Family coming together and grieving a loss is the healthy thing to do. We are the professional here. This is our family and our lives. We carve our legacy with each step. Our legacy is strong. I am strong. My family is strong. And Mama and me do need to outwardly express our penned up feelings about the event we both went through when we were separated after my birth.

Birth Mamas go through trauma. My Mama is no different than any other Mama. She suffered a loss. She lost out on me being the kick ass daughter that I am. She’s blown away by how bold and direct I am. How I am not afraid of her words and chew them up and love her more. That’s a crazy love. But that’s what makes it so precious.

I used to hate loving my Mama. Yeah. I did. I mean I was upset because I could not give Mama Jean that love. And I made me angry. I felt like I was cheating on her by loving my Mama. And that’s just a bit much to expect of me or any other child. Like these two woman want me to go against my nature? It’s my nature to love my Mama. I love Mama Jean too. I am soooo tired of my love for her being on the chopping block because I love my Mama?

These woman were adults at the time of my adoption. They understood what they were told By others. They entered into this contract about me. I am tired of people trying to hold me to their standard. I feel the happy medium should be where we go. See both side. Consider. And plan the new course. With all in consideration. We all matter. My sisters do matter. I do not take anything away from them. I want them to see that. I feel they do not see that. I feel if they did understood and felt secure about Mamas love they would simply tell me and not act like they have.

Why would my Mama be I trusted to protect them herself from me if my family was thinking sanely? And within reason? My truth is upsetting. But I am no longer the person who went through that. But I am damn good at making you feel it. And see how disruptive it made me. I went there and showed you. It’s not easy going back to update folks. It’s hard on our nervous systems. But the purge was needed for me to go on, lighter and more my authentic self.

That’s an excellent legacy to leave my children. My truth to light the path of the adopted, so those who are affected by t can see their way home. So that we can just stop this madness called adoption and the reasoning behind it. If it hurts one of us. It’s hurt us all. And should change. Do not brush our pain under the rug. It’s a mountain now. Time to clean up the mess Adoptions made of our lives.

Yes. Mess is harsh. And I did not always feel like that. But as of late with my Mamas like they are has taken all the fun out of being me. Like ugh. They expect me to just live like this forever! I simply am not able to live these two lives they wish me to to keep them separated. It’s ridiculous. I’ve had enough. Time for change. I need help from my people as I dare to do this that I dare to do.

Which is to unite my Mamas and bring myself full circle in a more complete way. Just to know my Mama and hang out a while is just silly when she right there and I am right here.

And I have done all the dirty work. I called you all out so we can go on and be better. Today is a new day. Will we chose the old or forge the new? Will we dig our roots in and withstand a storm that brings the rain for our spring. If we think about a tree, the roots have to have good dirt to hold onto. Our city’s been dug up. Let’s spread it all over us. Spring is to come for us beyond the death of our old.

Thanks for diving deep with me.

Thanks for your likes and shares as we forge a new day for Adoptees.

Beyond all this.

I do love who I am. Beyond what my Mama think. Beyond what Adoption thinks. And beyond what the world thinks.

As I stand on top of it all. I can see what living like this has made me. I am strong. Strong enough to stand in the world wide street and say how I felt, feel, and what it’s like to lived as an adopted person. Not everyone’s able to do that? Many are worse than me in the sense of trying to figure out who they are? Now after adoptions altered everything.

As I go back and gather what Adoption threw to the four winds and stitch it back together as it is. I work to educate folks on how it is. By see what is and saying what is appearing before me. Many have not liked my feedback and yet I know they needed it.

Just like I have gotten my feedback and have not particularly liked it. But that’s my families truth right now. Will it stay that way? Well, with Christ help, no. That’s how twisted and turned around Adoption is. It makes strangers of family, and family of strangers. And that can be a good thing when we accept that a stranger is now part of the family.

I appears strange to my family. My family acts strange to me. Not what I expected at all, but ok. We can work on it. And so I am working and working to fill in the holes of our stories, so it all will make sense in the end.

Their are rough spots in the story line. And missing pieces. I am a missing piece of my Mamas story and she’s part of mine.

I fail to see why folks still think I should just go away and leave us like this? That is not an option. The buck stops here.

After 54 years. It can’t hurt anymore to tell your Mama.

I figure that telling my truth would either cause my Mama to wake up and realize, or cause her to run. She ran. Again. It’s just how it is with me and Mama. Separation caused by adoption. And now I see that what happens is looking like an irreversible thing. She’s been brainwashed so well, she can no longer see me as a piece of her.

Adoption told her it was ok. Adoption told her a lot that was not true about me. And Adoptions winning. Adoptions got my Mama captivated by a life without me. Adoption told her I was the problem and to get rid of it quick and don’t go back. Adoption tells Mamas it’s ok to give their gifts away.

That’s why I write here. Because children have dreams too in Adoption. I have a dream where every adopted child goes home and where healing comes to all. But we have work to do to get there. My Mama and I may not make it to the promised land of adoption healing. Without her understanding the full picture, I can see she will stay right where she’s at.

And maybe that’s best? She seems pretty upset by my truth. I guess I’ll leave her in her self made bubble without me. I mean I’ve sent the alarm out. If she can’t hear my cry? She just can’t hear my cry? Guess she never could hear it?

That the truth about Mama’s though. Some hear and some shit it out. Some Mama’s want their gifts, some regift their children. Some realize their actions and regret and are willing to reunite because they know what they did. Some just don’t get it. And some don’t want to get it, and change it. Some, are so out of date, and truly lack support from family to do the work to reunite a child wholly back into the family.

My Mamas just to far gone. She out to lunch. And my sisters and family like it the way it is. I can’t say I like it the way it is. But I’ve felt like that for years. Guess I better get used to it. My Mamas gone. And it’s now time to just grieve the loss. And let her go.

I told her how I felt. And she’s not interested. Silence is golden I imagine to her. I am sure she will forget me again. But she better not try to meet me in her dreams anymore. I’m done with being her secret. I’ve seen what she truly feels about me. And it’s fucked up, what she thinks I am. As you have read. I am not a devil. I am her daughter.

People tell themselves strange things. I surely don’t want anyone coming around telling me what she said to them about me when she’s gone. They can eat that shit. If I can’t hear it from her lips? No thanks. I’ll just go on. I don’t need siblings sniveling at my door after she is gone telling me they are sorry. I’ve got shot to do in this world and I have taken time now to clear the air. If they can’t see that? If they can’t recognize Mama in me? Well, don’t come around when she’s gone.

The woman I knew long ago is gone. Adoption kid napped her. That’s how I feel. Kidnapped her and her mind. So, I must accept that she died. The woman I knew died the day she did this thing called adoption, relinquishment, abandonment, rejection. She killed it. She bleached it away.

She can’t see the correct for the trees. She blinded by Adoptions lies. The urges of a child are for their Mama. But adoption changed all that for me. I’ve seen it. I went there with a psychological attack to show me what was there. She said it to me. I am just a womb that gave birth to you. And so it is for the adopted.

We have no place and no home to go to, the world is our home and our family is whoever shows up to love us.

Just remember this. It may not be your Mama. Not all Mamas love the children god sends to them. Ok.

So, I work now to educate folks about that. And I will educate the children affected by this. They will know, that their Mamas don’t care about them, that’s why they left. Not love for the child. But love for themselves and their reputations. That’s Adoption.

Adoption told me my Mama gave me away because she loved me so much…. mama is not acting like she loves me now.

I mean hello! Adoption lies to me. My Mama is not happy I came back. So what’s the truth here? Does she love me? Or does she not? Because the way it looks is like it’s not. So, adoption lied to me.

Mama thought I would think this was great! And that I would not even notice her absence. Adoption lied to her too.

So, it’s not like anyone thought. Who’s right? Well, not adoption that’s for sure.