Like excuse me for getting upset my Mama
Didn't want me. Ok? Excuse me. Excuse me for wanting more. Excuse me for seeing better. Excuse me for. It just staying away. Excuse me for bursting your bubble and telling you my truth. Excuse me, for raining on your damn parade. You know, the one your in without me?
Excuse me for tapping you on the shoulder and for wanting maybe a second chance to be who I am today because of all of this that I have grappled with for years.
Excuse me for daring to come back to the one I came from yo ask her about her side, so I could have the story straight. Excuse me. But. That's it. There is no excuse for me, there is a reason I live. God. Created me. Within a woman who could give me away to another. And I kind of want to that chic. What's her story? It's must have been tough back then? I seem to remember some painful moments along our way. Before we parted. Angry moments. Angry is an easier energy to ward off sentiment and emotions such as Grief and mourning.
It hurt like hell Mama. I get it. And I am not angry at you per say. Except your stubbornness. I imagine my stubbornness angers you. And somewhere in the mess has got to be some gold.
What's all this about? If we don't have love that goes beyond the madness we think this is. I've found you. Like a needle in a haystack. God lead me straight, well, through the back door and back into that broken precious heart of yours. Ok. I get it. Just let me love you. Like I came here to do. Your in the equation. You get my love too. Let's forgive it. Both. All of it. Now you know my side of forgiveness. It was a long road. I was supposed to be a good surprise. I am a good surprise.
If your silences means I hit the nail on the head. Well then. I forgive it all. Stop beating yourself up. It's like you don't want me to like you to much? It's ok. I'm ready for when you really go. I've learned a lot about life. God takes care of my with caring people.
But I want to know you. All of you. Even about the crazy you that made me. She's fascinating to me.
Excuse me. But I have a philosophy I live by. Ask. They may say no. But they could say yes. And if you really want it. Keep asking. And most certainly pray and ask Gods will over it all. There is so much love in my heart for you. And it takes nothing away from anyone. I've got love for all of you and we just need to grow it.
We are different. So what? We can learn each other again. As far as god will let us. As long as we have.
I'm signed up to go to Americas Got Talent. Mama. I want you there. If you can. So what we are a couple of crazies. So what. There's time to go forward past this crazy whatever this is between us. Your big enough to forgive me for telling the truth and maybe blowing the lid off this struggle and showing Adoptees and Bio Mamas and Adoptive Parents and the world for that matter what it looks like. For real.
You can't fault me for being turned around, confused, uprooted, and feeling rejected, abandoned again by all this? Surely you can see what I am , and have been trying to show you?
Even if you are angry at me.
I may not agree with you
But I respect you enough to tell you the truth as I see it, so you could adjust your thinking.
Excuse me for wanting some of your time. And care. Excuse me for wanting to know you all better than we have been. For wanting you all to love me as my weird self. Evidently you all think I am weird. I don't imagine cool people get blocked.
Well. My hopes my dreams. My pain my anticipations. Twisted and bent the life of an adoptee trying to cut away at the lies between her Mama and she to obtain the closure to their old story, so that they can begin anew.