I guess my Mama and I will meet in the by and by? Right now she seems to not be able to see the Forrest for the trees and visa versa. That's Adoption for ya. It Puts you in another persons box. And afterwards. After you grow up like your Mama wanted you too? There is no reward. No pay off. No Mama.
- I mean I got to the point of watch my Mama dangled over there behind the sister curtain and thought to myself?" She's right there?" I think to myself, "I just need to get through all this stuff between us". There are years between us, and what Adoption said in the 60's is definitely between us, and then there's what I experienced that doesn't match what Adoption said, there is my Mama's guilt and shame that seems to be between us, and there is what my kids said to clear up, there is what strangers said, and finally, but not all, there is my feelings about it, and they are still are very strong to forge ahead and keep going. I keep going, chiseling away at the lies that keep my Mama from me.
- I just know in my heart this is all a mistake. She loves me. What Mama doesn't love her child? Not mine? She's such a nice lady? She's a Christian. She helps people. Why won't she help me? Like all I want it time and a story. I wish to get into her inner circle. I wish to earn her trust. My truth is my bond. It may be ugly to you now, but it is my highest gift to show my loyalty. I've been loyal. To them both. My Mama's. I have done my best to keep showing up and doing my best.
- I guess my Mama changed A lot since I knew her. She's so uptight and if it's not scripture go away. It's hard building a case like mine when your up against what the authorities said back then? It's hard doing it by yourself. I've asked my family for help. Yep. I have. I've talked to my kids and asked them to help me do better. But they are to busy living. And they don't care about me and my Mama.
- I wonder why my Mama can't see my good side in my baby she loves so much? She came from me? And was raised by me? Like that's what Adoption does. Takes your credit awAy. It's like your some ghost. It's kind of like Chelsie's me. And my Mama likes her. But not me? Sounds crazy. I know. It's like I am some trash can for her to throw all the family garbage into and if I open my lid, I smell and they don't like that. And I don't even get to say I don't like it?
- It's like my whole family is having fun with her and I have to watch outside the window. Silly. She's just a woman. Why does she mean so much to me? She's my Mama, that's why.
I figured that my sisters would fill me in, wrong. I figured we would learn together. Wrong. I represent a part of my Mama's life she would just rather not talk about. Shhhhhh. Don't speak of me, it will upset her. And I feel like, she's been upset for years guys. She gave her baby away. And that's hard. Maybe she should talk about it. And maybe we should support her in being ok and working through it all?
It's hard to do the family math without all of the numbers. Call me crazy. I feel that if she could articulate it to me, that she would feel a lot better. I'm the one who needs to hear about it. It's our story. My sisters have lived with the woman beyond relinquishment and the story. And they love her too. I get that. They must think I am hurtin her. But what I see is that she's hurt already but no one can see it. But me. The one who shared that pain with her. I drank the cup with her. She gave her cups to me, but I woke up from the poison. She hasn't. And I'm trying to wake her up.
Lord. I pray for my sisters. I pray this prayer. I pray that all the thoughts they have about me will be cleared up. I ask that you send angels to them all. I pray those angels will speak the words that clear my name. I ask that you bind the words and thoughts about me that are not for the glory of god. I ask that gran gran and gramma rough would send signs to them. To show them the way back to family. Amen.
This life makes me looks crazy. Adoption makes me look crazy. Not many hold on to their Mama's like me.