This morning I wonder

  • Well. I think I've gotten it all out. It's like waves of emotions coming up and you have to just roll with it. I just got to a point where I was tired of no one hearing me. I've not been ok. My whole life. But what can a girl do when everyone seems to be so happy my Mama left me? Like what can a child do in that situation? What I realized is that I have to tell my Mama about it. If she knew. Surely she would do something? But, what can she really do? Now?
  • Well. I thought maybe if she knew? Maybe she would or could change her mind? But it does not look like she understands my cry at all? Of course she doesn't. She's brainwash and is not my Mama anymore for one thing. That's sure what it looks like. She's out. Not there anymore. The woman I remember has been killed by the one I try to talk to now.
  • It's like a demon has possessed her. She probably thinks I am a demon too. I get it. It's like we are deformed now and can not recognize each other. The woman I knew is no more? Or maybe scared? Not sure. This is confusing for sure. When your Mama act strange and tell you she's not your Mama anymore. And she shows you away like some ugly dog that had the nerve to show up on her door step and wag for a treat.
  • This morning. I guess I need to just accept that Chelsie and she just want me to leave them alone. They are fine now. Without me. So strange. I really never saw this one coming. Wow. It's hard sometimes to Not think that maybe God doesn't like me much. But that is what you get here on planet earth.
  • This morning I wonder. All this free will flowing around. And my free will affects your free will and so on. My free will wants my Mama back. Her free will say for me to stay away? Wow. My faith is being challenged and it feels like the devils got my family. Why do I feel so excluded? Why do I still feel rejected? I don't want to.
  • It's like a burr in my side. It's digs into my skin. The skin my Mama gave me. And it hurts. To be without her so long. I thought she would get it. But she doesn't. She's just the shell of the woman I knew. My heart is heavy.
  • I have hoped forever for reunion. And to have her back. Forever. In secret. I loved her. And she hates me. And she hates how I turned out. And I try to tell her. I know. I'm different. But that what we got from this. I try to explain. I'm not trying to hurt you. But my words must be daggers to her and she will Have none of it.

It appears my birth rights have been revoked.
She obviously thinks I want money. Every time I see her she shows me what everyone gets when she dies. I could care less about stuff. What is stuff to a girl who lost all. I really just want to be loved like I am. Ups and downs. Like my Mama would have loved me if she had of kept me. But my Mamas broken. She doesn't work anymore, not with me that is.
My kid said that I was writing to make her angry. I guess I just want to be heard. It's been 54 years. And I don't feel heard.
My Family could give a rats ass about me is what this looks like. Evidently I don't know the proper protocol to access the queen Mama. Damn. I'm left out in the cold. And my sisters would really like and probably are enjoying me tanking out here trying to talk to Mama.
I guess I am asking for something she never gave to the girls. Yeah. Who am I to ask for anything. Be grateful Bitch your out of line.

Have you ever been in line forever and you just had a question? And the person you want to talk to is so close. Close enough to touch. But if you step out because your just excited, they get you and take you to the back of the line to learn your lesson? That's what it feels like now.

How dare I not like the life my Mama gave me? That's How I feel. I just want to be heard. I am he child. I thought maybe by now she'd have had time to reflect on her decision. That maybe she might think differently if she knew? But nope. Good old Adoptions got her living the dream. Without me.

This morning. I'm just out of hope. I'm just kind of numb again. And that's not a good sign. My
Body wants her. Like I know, no one talks like me. I get it. I'm weird. Ok. I get it.

But. The part of me that wants her is my heart. I want her to just hug me so long that I get lost there. I want that memory to

  1. Hold onto for when she's really gone. That day will come and I will Mourn it. She's all I've wanted forever. To have her voice in my ear. I don't care if she yells at me. Or if she just read me some scriptures to sooth me. I'll take whatever. And have. Our arguing has given me much joy. Like I know that sound demented. Right? What? You like fighting with your Mama? That's crazy. But. If that's all she can do with me is argue? I'll take it! Give me all you've got. I mean. Yeah. I cry afterwards. Yes. I'm really upset and she is too. But at least I got to see her. Be with her? Sounds demented. Yep. That's what adopting me out did to me. I don't let go. She's my Mama. However crazy she is. She's mine. I probably get that part from Mama Jean. She loved me best she could. And I e loved her the best my broken heart could Love her. Adoption broke me. And left me for dead.
  2. I just had an thought. Maybe I am comforting myself here? Hmmm? Yeah. I guess I am talking out loud to hear my feelings, so I can validate them. And I do. Each time I type the words, I am saying to myself. You matter. What you went through matters. What your Mama went through matters. And what Mama Jean went through matters too.

  3. But, my Mama come from a different time. You didn't show your hand back then. You put on a good face and do your best to not let them see you cry. And I, just am Not like that. My feelings are raw and if I hold them it's not good. And I tried to Hold it in and be strong and all that. And push on.
  4. I'm tired of pushing. I'm tired of knocking. I'm tired of living without her.

Like I think to myself. My Mama's right over there. A days drive. Here house is so lovely. She's very keen on decor. It's a show piece full of treasures with memories attached to them. I love hearing the stories about her things. And I don't even have full access? I can't just show up? Or she'll call the cops. I've stayed away and she could care less? Like she just does not get it.

I pray all this helps
Someone. I pray these words will
Fly away to Gods ears and that God will send me an angel with a gift that when I open it, it's will be all better. That all this will melt away.

But this body of mine is wanting he so bad. I have hot flashes and night sweats, heart palpitations, this that. It's affecting me in a way I don't understand and it is scary and when I am scared. I want her. Always I have wanted her. Sucks. It just sucks.

Well. I've written enough for today. I think I can function. I've gotten today's shit that was waiting for me when I awoke out of my brain. How do I get it
Out of this heart of mine and make peace with her will that has affected my will?
Funny. We call it free. But I know that I have paid a
Price for
This. No doubt.

Thanks for diving deep with me.

God bless.

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