Do you know what it’s like?

Do you even know what it's like having to figure out how to tell your Mama this report? No. only Adoptees know.

And it sucks big time. Cuz she been told all kind of stuff while I was away trying to figure out how to find her and go back. See. I am not one of this regular Adoptees. I am different.

You know what kind of adoptee I am?

I am the kind that never forget her Mama.

I am the kind who's big enough and my heart is wide enough for both my Mama's.

I am the kind that will not leave my Mama in ignorance. She deserves the truth.

I am the kind that will not back down off this fight for my family.

I am the kind that can use truth and tough love to turn their twisted minds around.

And I am the kind of adoptee that will win my Mama's heart back. Damn straight.

And I am the kind of adoptee that rolls her sleeves up when things get shitty and I help
Clean it up by telling folks my
Honest truth.

My mama's never lived my life. She does not know from experience how it was. She fantasizes about my life to only make it bearable to live this way. Telling herself stories of my wonderful Life without her to soothe the ache every Mama who relinquished has.

I could have just played along. Yes. I could have just let my sleeping dog Mama lie their in her ignorant state. Yes. But that's my Mama! Who would do that I say. Who?

My sister would. They like life without my complications. They obviously have not learned from our Mama about family. They obviously have not grown up enough to set Mama down and soothe her fears and shown her the way to do it. They don't want to do it. They like me in the outside and they like the portion that was
Mine to go to all of them. That's what Adoption does. Give your seat at the family table away. Like musical chairs. They sit and laugh at me as I toil over here on the internet not realizing I have called them out on their actions in front of everyone. I fight here where they can't hide anymore. I am done. But I am not gonna go away dear sissys.

Nope. It's Boot Camp. You all need to learn how it's done. And I am the instructor. Never thought I would have to go home and clean up all this shit in my Mama's mental room of mine. By ok. Let's go. My Mama needs me and I need to get this done.

Yes. She says she doesn't want me. Yes. But. Well. That's just not an option here. Ok? No backing down. No backing off. Theirs is much work to be done.
We need a picnic. And there is camping. My sisters need to come visit me. We need go shopping and drink wine and eat sushi.

We need a sleep over. And to go get massages together. We need to text. And we need to act like what we are. Family. I'm your damn sister for god sake. And I am Mama's daughter. She don't put up with nothin. Did you think that part of her was not inside me? That's where Adoption gets ya.

My family obviously believes that adoptions made me a stranger to them, forever. They obviously think they can shun me away like some stray cat. But-

No one. For remember. God is my maker. I was knit together in our Mama's womb. Can I help it she did not show up and pasted me like a
Hot potato to another? It was the 60's. But it's now 2017 and we know better. Or at least I do. So I'm gonna teach it to you all. Where ya like it or not. Right hear.

So. Run. Go on. I'll throw this ball at you running and it will
Hit ya. Cuz Gods helping me. I asked God to help me and then I follow Gods lead. Go on. Hate God for it. Cuz sissys. God sent me first to Mama. Ok? Which links us. Forever darlings.

Your running from a
Monster you made your sister into. That is delusional. And that Adoption for ya. Making perfecting fine folks act crazy cuz they just don't understand. Adoption that is.

Adoptions like a spider web where Adoptions the spider captures young ignorant folks and gets them to sign their God Given right away.

Well. I am the person who's rights were taken away that day and I am taking my rights back. Today. My truths breaks the silence and pierces the airwaves of ignorance forever. You all are
Living a lie right now. You have a fourth sister your Mama hid from you for shame sake. Show her their is no shame except to run from what we have done and to chicken out and hide.

I have the right to make an addendum to the original contract. I the child who was not old enough to speak for myself. Cuz I would have stayed anyway. Even if Mama's was a mess. I guess she thought she was a mess. No Mama
Backs down like that. Not my Mama.

I say today. I am the daughter of two strong woman. Both courageous. Both humane and caring. They came together to do a work for me. And now they work to do the same work for us all.

Years have past and the truth we can see is emerging from the ashes of what was. We are all family Now. Adoption added my Mama Jean to the roster the day she showed up to do my Mama's job and signed And you all better snap too! Cuz I expect better from you all.

And don't worry about me. I'm learning a lot too. We all are. And it's shocking to have the lights just turned on like this but it's the o my way I know to get you all to see. That's how it was for me. Shock. Dismay. Panic.

And a question. "Where is my Mama?" Over and over in my head. Wishing she would come get me. Confusion as to why she didn't like me? Perplexion as to why my new Mama was so strange and why my Mama did not like me enough to keep me? Why do I have to grow up like this was another question.

I felt like I was left in a box with a stranger and had to live in this darkness about myself forever. But I out grew that box. Thank god it was suffocating in there. I kept thinking. I have a Mama. Where is she. Why did she does this to me and us.

And no one cares about stuff like that when your a kid. No one listens. And no one offers to help you find her. God no! That's against the rules. No going back. And you better suck it up and Clean up that blood from your bleeding heart that's torn apart but still connected to a woman who's a live but now dead to anyone in your new world. Be grateful your Alive at all. Cuz you could have been an abortion. Lordy.

Cuz their are only two choice for those who complain. Abortion or silence. Just suck it up and move on little lady. We don't give two shits about your Mama that left you. She's worthless and a piss pour specimen of a woman, you're safer with us. We saved you from that monster that did this to you is how folks try to get you off wanting your Mama.

The way I see it. And it's cold. How I see it. Is that in Adoption, well meaning folks are trying to do Gods work, like they know God got it wrong, so they are gonna fix it. Not. And they could give two
Shits about my Opinion. I mean they are saving children and their lives stick with a crazy Mama that don't want the stigma you represent in her life!

Stigma. That's what I felt like. And the stigma against my Mama is Huge. And I really don't appreciate it. My Mama had a reason. And when she tells me. It will lay all this to rest for me. I will know from my won Mama mouth what happened in 1963. And their will be enough grace for it all.

You don't really get anything new until you let go of what you have. My families got information they held onto and my truth defies that that held. My anger is at myself for no having the magic words to break the spell that keeps us who are family acting so strange toward each other.

Hell. I e held onto stiff as well. And as you can see. I was told a lot. I wonder why they don't want to clear it up? Guess they don't like to get down and clean things. So strange. My Mama loves bleach and clean. What's the deal? Trust most likely. Mama trusted a system. And obviously doesn't realize a system could care less about her. A system is just a bunch of ideas, implemented into a way. And honey. They is not an ideal way.

Any words I have lobbed at them is directed towards the thoughts they are holding dear. I am not hating my family. I hate what Adoption did to my family.

My one sister has a child that is probably close to the age of searching if he is not searching now. And I'll be damned if he's gonna come home to this mess! My sisters in over her head if she not prepared. Look at Mama. And look at us. Does my sister want her son to come back to this? And put up with her acting like this? Like wake the fuck up. This is deplorable.

And now I am angry. Yep. And anger if used properly can bring change if we don't shirk off doing the work needed to obtain better. Education makes knowledge and knowledge is power. My sister have no idea about me because they have chosen to stay ignorant to the affect of adoption on their owns sister. Cold. But adoption told them to be cold to me. I'm a stranger.

Adoptions not strange. Adoptions cool and wonderful. Let's stay this way. We don't want to Share Mama with you. We are not going to help you. Even though this could have been one of us trying to come home, we want Mama all to Ourselves. Disfunction.

dys·func·tion
ˌdisˈfəNG(k)SH(ə)n/
noun
1 abnormality or impairment in the function of a specified bodily organ or system."bowel dysfunction"

◦ deviation from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad."inner-city dysfunction"

Abnormality. Yep. Not normal. The last one hits the nail on the head.

  • This relationship is dysfunctional all to hell. And I have educated myself about dysfunctions affects. And we are loaded with them.
  • Look at Chelsie Lynn for one. Dysfunctional realigns with me.

  • Look at my Mama for another. Blocks me. Unable to talk reasonably about it. Can't share he side with me.

  • Look at my sisters and family. Standing by, not doing a thing even thought it does affect them.

  1. Look at me. Writing in here because my family can't hear my voice because adoptions made them deaf to me.

  2. Look at Adoption. Who's taken from me all I really want. My family back.

Thanks for stopping by. And reading my process. Pray I get through. It's time we all went home and healed. That's really what I want for us all. Healing.

Change is messy. But worth the time. Xo

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