I am sitting here with my foot in an epsom salt, Celtic Sea salt in a cool bath with olbas essential oil. The pain is quite intense. And it comes in waves.
I am altering this cool bath with an ice pack.
I’ve taken charcoal tablets,
Drank diatomaceous earth,
And drank a turmeric tea my son made me.
My foot is covered with a mask made with three different clays, olbas eo, and water. I also put on top of that a mask of charcoal and baking sofa.
Aside from the intense spas and of pain, localized in my toes, I feel ok.
It is a numbing pain. It’s like a bat hit your foot and pain just radiates from the point of impact.
I know this spider did not intent to bit me. For I saw, As I pulled my foot out and her crippled body fell, limp and lifeless onto the floor. Her life over. And in a space so small, no way to escape.
My toe had hit her stinger. But I feel I did not get the full force if her bite. And I do not feel she wanted to bite me, she had no choice.
My foot took her natural choice away by accident and by ignorance on my own part. We would have never collided if I had checked my shoes that were on the patio, which is outside.
As I look at the shoes I slipped into. I can see that they are a nice place to get out of the cold and heat in. For a spider. She just though they looked like a good place to maybe make a nest for her eggs? Or maybe a cave that she could woo her lover into, so she could procreated and then kill him?
But not to bite me. But what the bite has done is make me divert my attention from the pain in my foot. Which I do feel is a good life skill that I could use today in regards to the pain I feel about my Mama. See everything’s compared to me and my Mama.
See I was bit by Adoptions black widow stinger. And that pain made me focus on it. And to ask me questions about that pain. Most folks did not see it and pushed me away. Kind of treating me like a silly little girl who’s just complains to much. Ungrateful. And demented.
But Adoptions sting made me keep paying attention too to it. It made me not get comfortable and kept me wired for sound. Like on the edge of the other shoe dropping.
My Mama may feel this way? Maybe she is waiting for me to give up on her. Cuz she feels she gave up on me? And maybe I am popping all her balloons and fears. So she can see me as her child.
Adoptions a weird thing. It Messes with people heads. If you let it? But for me I could not. The pain was so excruciating that nothing drowns it out. Except, one thing makes it better. Being with my Mama Linda. That surprisingly helps me calm down.
Cuz. I am tired. And my Mama’s still alive. And I think she’s got some love for me. But she just needs some help. Someone to quite all her fears too. About me hating her, and being a disappointment. But. I really am not. Disappointed in her. Well. Maybe a little.
But. I came prepared to go all the way. To take this to the limit to show my loyalty and that one day, one of us will pass. Let’s clear this air between us. I’ve told you the truth. Even if it hurt you. And you have told me some of yours. Well. Your truth right now. Slammed door.
And I’m not impressed. Like hello. I guess you haven’t realized that um, no one dismisses me. Ok? And I do not appreciate your disrespect of me. Yes me. I am on your level now. mama jean taught me not to stoop to the level of those who are mean to you. But excuse me. I needed a close look at this. Is my Mama disrespecting me right now? Wow? Again?
54 years. And this pattern has not changed. But it’s about too. Cuz Miss Belinda don’t take no ft an answer. Not even from her Mama. I know my worth. And Christ’s blood was shed for me too. And that keeps me going. As I work to wake my Mama from her dream without me. Because that’s more of a nightmare than even I can be.
What I mean is the nightmare for me was the day she left me. Living my life arguing with her? Priceless. Working it out? Is a given for me. I take this seriously. Even if I am sarcastic. This matters.
What people have told me to do to my Mother is upsetting. It is bad to tell me to give up. The shame is on you now. Not me. I love my Mama and she is seeing the light. She is gonna come back to me. You wait and see. I know what and who I was made from, and God does not make any mistakes.